A thousand contradictory words stammer through his head. A thousand different ways of saying he wants to meet them but he's scared. A thousand different ways to laugh and say he didn't mean it, because he sees Kes in his head telling him he would have taken him as a pledge and Owain's heart still aches because on some level he wants that.
But he can tell this is-- not an easy thing for Poe to bring up. He chews on his bottom lip, then forces a smile that flickers into life then ies a moment later.
Poe gives a soft snort from his nose, giving Owain a small, fond smile.
"Who doesn't like cake?" He paused, wet his lips, then looked back toward the city. "... All I'm saying is that... It's a doable dream, Owain. But it's a dangerous one."
Owain would smile back, if he weren't so focused. His chest feels too small for all the nerves jumping in every direction inside his ribs. He runs his fingers through his hair and already feels his resolve crumbling into pieces.
"I just want to be with you and not-- go back on that-- just because someone else makes me feel like I have to. You've given me more freedom than-- probably any Pledge has had. This should be... normal. For me. For everyone. I shouldn't be raised... to die. Maybe? Unless that's wrong."
"You're not wrong." His voice had dropped very quiet - habit, more than actually worrying that anyone was listening in. "No one should be raised to die or serve with no choice."
"But you're not the first Pledge to be given this freedom, either. I may run my mouth more openly than most, but - I'm not the only one, who believes in abolishing the pledge system. There are... a few. Of us."
Owain feels safer talking about this out here, surrounded by nature, than he would in their room, thin walls so close to so many people in the military. He watches the clouds drift by overhead for the second time, lost in them until he sees a shape that reminds him of a flower his mom used to like and he has to turn away.
He gave Owain a sad, sympathetic smile, even as the other man kept his eyes on the clouds. He leaned over, pressing a warm, dry kiss to his temple.
"... Not really my call, sorry. When assassinations are on the table, people tend to be cautious about it. But I'll... I'll put some tendrils out, see who's willing to put some skin at risk. Everyone's a bit paranoid, at the moment."
He paused, but then added: "The General, at least... She'll be willing to see you. But not here. Not on this planet."
Owain's expression doesn't change, but that kiss warms him and melts away a lot of the ice that had been starting to rest in his chest. He turns to look at Poe, considering something, then leans over to kiss him as quickly as he can on the lips bfore pulling back just as fast.
He wishes he had important people in his life to introduce Poe to. A cousin, maybe. But he's alone.
"I want to do anything I can to help, or-- or aid, or assist, or-- or anything else," he mumbles. "Maybe we should just-- skip my birthday stuff and go find her. This General lady."
"She was banished from the Capitol planet over ten years go. We have to get out to the frontier, first." He paused, wetting his lips, before sitting up so that he could watch Owain's face carefully.
"Look, you have - absolutely no idea - what it means to me that you're even thinking about going this route, Owain. I'm never going to be able to explain that. But I'm not throwing you into the lion's den without any protection. It's gonna take a little bit to make sure that doing this isn't just a one-way street to getting you killing before we can celebrate your nineteenth birthday. So - no skipping. We're not going to have a whole day like this just to ourselves for a long time."
Edited (fuck you i know how grammar works) 2018-01-31 23:40 (UTC)
Owain's disappointed, but if there's nothing he can do, there's nothing he can do. He figures dragging his feet on this and asking to, like, steal a way off this planet to go find her already is probably not the right thing to do, but even if it was, he's caught up in the last thing Poe says.
Wait, fuck.
"Shit! What?!" He panics, a little, bolting upright, grass in his hair and head a little dizzy from the motion. "This is the last peaceful day we'll have that's just-- just us? Fuck! We can't just do Owain stuff, then! We need to do Poe stuff!"
Poe immediately reached out a steadying hand to grasp Owain's shoulder.
"Hey! Hey - relax. It's your birthday. That's what I want to do. Alright? I want to give you the whole day, so. We'll do Owain stuff, and that'll be Poe stuff too. Yeah?"
He eyes Poe with just the greatest fuckin' surplus of suspicion, but then his shoulders droop. Enough thinking about Kes. Enough thinking about the rebellion. He hopes to his feet and holds his arm out for Poe to anchor onto as he pulls him to his feet.
"Cake. At the clocktower. And then-- I want to buy you a present. And then... some slight fucking." Well. He scratches his neck as he thinks on what else he might want.
"I don't know. I just want to be with you. I don't actually care about the context of the date."
An amused smirk flickered across his lips at 'some slight fucking', crinkling his eyes. He took Owain's arm and swung up right, dusting himself off so that the little loose pieces of grass all fell away.
"Just slight, huh?" The tone was teasing, but he nodded. "Cake, clocktower, and present? Apparently." Though he frowned at that. "... Right. I should get you a birthday present. That's usually something people do on birthdays, rather than the other way around."
Owain brushes some extra dust off of Poe, an old habit to always keep an eye on his master to make sure he's dressed appropriately ingrained into him. That habit might feel toxic, if Owain wasn't still wearing his cravat like a trophy. Active decisions overruling instinct. Finding equality against all odds.
"You gave me my journal. And my clothes. You don't need to get me anything else." He smooths down Poe's lapel, nodding when he's satisfied, though the firmness of his body beneath his uniform makes the tips of his ears go red as he thinks about last night. Yes. There will be. Some slight fucking.
"The journal wasn't... necessary. The journal was you showing me a kindness. Just--" He roughs up Poe's hair, messing all the work he put into smoothing him down and making him presentable a second ago. "Just!! Don't worry about doing anything. Okay? I'm serious. You've given me so much already."
He folds his arms over his chest, but is of course immediately placated by the acknowlegement of cake and potential fucks-of-the-slightest-nature. He looks over the city, and he doesn't want to leave the little slice of tranquility they've found here, but they'll find it again at the clocktower. They'll always find it, as long as they're together.
They stop by a bakery and pick up the darkest chocolate cake Owain's ever seen, and it's so much more bitter than sweet, but he loves it. The clocktower has winding stone steps to the clockface itself that opens up to a balcony just below it, and they sit out there together to eat, high above the rest of the world and the jungle that spans over the planet. Owain cuts Poe a slice of cake once they're here and he reclines against his side, wanting to dangle his legs over the building but having the common sense not to. Weird how much caring about not dying gives you a sense of self-preservation, suddenly.
He digs a fork into his part of the cake, chomping down and getting crumbs on the corners of his lips, and he looks at Poe. Wind in his hair.
He hadn't touched a bite - had instead gotten distracted by watching Owain, those traitor butterflies in his chest again maybe everything tremor with the power of their combined flight. He'd gotten distracted just looking at the way the light bent around Owain's cheekbone and the way it illuminated his skin, slightly transparent and warm with the red bloom beneath skin and he--
Fuck, he was in trouble.
"Sorry," he murmured, but he didn't seem in a rush, watching a sliver of dark chocolate cake slide into Owain's lips. He was in a lot of trouble.
Owain tilts his head, uncharacteristically innocent in all of this. If he'd known what Poe was thinking, he'd have very obviously tried to pose to catch the light at his best angle, or would accidentally choke on a segment of cake that he was pretending to deepthroat. As it is, he just watches Poe with that tell-tale perceptiveness of his - like he could just pierce through his skull and read his thoughts, if he watched him long enough.
He can't, and he doesn't, but he does slowly stop chewing as an idea hits him. He swallows and goes a little warm around the collar, looking at anything but Poe while he thinks this through. He... thinks... it's a good idea, what he wants to do. Maybe.
Owain catches another bite-sized cut of cake on his fork and holds it up to Poe's lips, redder by the second but watching with an almost angry intensity. Do it. Do it. Eat it.
The blush running under Owain's skin made Poe want to pin him down and kiss him hard, right there, but it was unmistakable, what he was ring asked to do.
So instead, without breaking eye contact, he leaned forward, lips parting around the offered piece of cake, pulling it deep into his mouth and letting the fork slide clean from his lips.
He licked his lips, tasting flecks of chocolate. Yeah. That was a good way to eat cake. Still without looking away, he sunk his fingers into just the edge of his piece, pulling a little of the dark material away, then holding it between his thumb and forefingers out to Owain.
For a moment, Owain is overwhelmed by the joyful innocence of feeding dessert to the man he loves, despite the less than pure way his cock twitches when Poe keeps eye contact. He pulls the fork back and twirls it through his fingers, grinning to himself and letting himself feel big for a while before he puts it back down.
And then Poe has his fingers out, and--
Owain doesn't seem to know what he's doing, drowning in that boyish naivete that only ever seems to last long enough for Poe to help him feel secure. He lets Poe feed him, and for an instant it looks like that might be the end of this, but then he's carefully, carefully lapping at Poe's fingers, flicking the tip of his tongue over Poe's middle finger the same way he would to his cock. He takes the end of Poe's index finger into his mouth and sucks, tasting cake and heat and flesh, making a bit of a show out of taking him down further and sucking, applying pressure, tight, wet, warm, hard, right up to his knuckle.
And then he pulls back, acting like nothing happened. He wipes a crumb off of his face with his thumb.
If Poe is affected by the display - (and he really, really is) - it doesn't show on his face. He just holds still and watches, that same unblinking gaze even as Owain quite obscenely sucks on his fingers.
A few seconds pass, Poe's expression still unreadable, until without saying a word he reaches out, sliding his damp fingers around the other side of Owain's face, and pulls him into a kiss.
It's not a heated kiss, or a fast one - it wasn't the sort of kiss given as a prelude to tearing off clothing. It was slow and it was purposeful, and it made Poe's heart hammer hard against his ribs.
Owain's biting his bottom lip to stop himself from smiling, as he always does when he feels like he's done something daring by taking the lead on anything physical. He's pointedly looking out over the rest of the city, redfaced and all too obvious in how he's feeling, so much easier to read than Poe is.
He chances a look back, and when he does, Poe's taking his lips in his own and Owain's letting out a noise like he's getting into a bath after a long day. Just-- relief, pleasure, leaning into this. He lets it stay slow and purposeful, every brush of soft lips against his own making his stomach do flips like he's falling, but it doesn't take long before he tries to make things deeper.
Poe isn't as frantic or as intense or as determined to take this faster as Owain is, and it's frustrating, in a way that makes Owain smile regardless. He figures if he has to challenge Poe to stop holding back, then that's-- fun. He can have fun with that. With the taste of cake still sticking to the tip of his tongue, he pulls back and puts his hand under Poe's jacket, resting on his abdomen over his shirt.
He looks down, watches his hand as two fingers slide between the gap of his lowest buttons to rest on bare skin. He grins, again, looking at Poe.
There was something almost - not disappointing, exactly, but perhaps bittersweet - about how Owain's fingers trailed against his skin, intent clear. It wasn't even that he wasn't happy to follow that intent, either. His body responded for him, instantly, the muscles of his abdomen fluttering under Owain's touch.
"Huh. So it is," He said, smiling slyly, pushing the bittersweet feeling down into his chest as far as it would go.
He was letting himself get way, way too deep.
His hand on Owain's jaw shifted, the pad of his thumb gently brushing over the man's lips. Gods, but he had the most amazing lips--
He's young and he's new and as far as Owain is concerned, being able to open himself up like this is as much of a show of vulnerability as anything else. He'd missed the cues that this was romantic - how could he not, when the only romantic affection he'd ever witnessed between two people belonged to his parents who were already so in love? - but he didn't miss the way Poe wanted him, even if he misunderstood why. Misunderstood how.
He leans against that hand. Always leaning. Always touchstarved.
"Just... like." He stumbles over the teasing, because again, he's so fucking new, and this is something he misses, too. "Just, like, in a sexy way, or something. Like, like with sex, or whatever. Even though I guess we probably shouldn't do that up here? I'm just, like."
He laughs, the tips of his ears an even darker shade of pink, spreading over his cheeks and his nose, lighting up.
"Just-- I don't know. Every time I see you I want to be as close to you as I can. I want to just-- be by your side, or-- or have you talk to me, or just. Be. With you. And we're alone, so I'm like... I want to be the most close. Kind of thing."
He let out an aborted breath of a laugh, the amused smile pulling to his lips despite himself. Like with sex, or whatever, indeed.
"Maybe not right here on the balcony, no," He mused, but even as he said that, he pivoted, swinging a leg up over Owain's and sliding easily into his lap. "Though there's a little space behind the clock-face that's out of the way..."
Owain should move, but he's pinned by Poe, and he doesn't really think he wants to. He slowly unbuttons the bottom of Poe's shirt, working his way upwards as he pulls Poe's neck down with his other hand to kiss him. Soft, slow. Intimate, despite the way he keeps surging forward for more.
He wouldn't mind if they stayed here. Wouldn't mind if they were seen from below, by wandering eyes of the military, of people who thought Pledges should stay quiet and unseen and hidden from view unless otherwise addressed. The thrill of the idea makes him hard, but there's something that stops him from asking for it.
In the end, he just wants to feel close to Poe. Close in a way that belongs to him and him alone.
They leave the balcony, though Owain drags his feet about getting Poe off of his lap. They head inside, into the dark stone tower with filtered sunbeams lighting it through open windows, and Owain has Poe up against the wall in a matter of seconds, kissing him with that same slow but needy intensity, hand snaking down his own pants to fish his cock out through the top of his waistband and slowly jerk off. Too eager, as always.
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But he can tell this is-- not an easy thing for Poe to bring up. He chews on his bottom lip, then forces a smile that flickers into life then ies a moment later.
"... Do they like cake?"
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"Who doesn't like cake?" He paused, wet his lips, then looked back toward the city. "... All I'm saying is that... It's a doable dream, Owain. But it's a dangerous one."
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"I just want to be with you and not-- go back on that-- just because someone else makes me feel like I have to. You've given me more freedom than-- probably any Pledge has had. This should be... normal. For me. For everyone. I shouldn't be raised... to die. Maybe? Unless that's wrong."
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"But you're not the first Pledge to be given this freedom, either. I may run my mouth more openly than most, but - I'm not the only one, who believes in abolishing the pledge system. There are... a few. Of us."
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"... Tell me about them, then."
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"... Not really my call, sorry. When assassinations are on the table, people tend to be cautious about it. But I'll... I'll put some tendrils out, see who's willing to put some skin at risk. Everyone's a bit paranoid, at the moment."
He paused, but then added: "The General, at least... She'll be willing to see you. But not here. Not on this planet."
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He wishes he had important people in his life to introduce Poe to. A cousin, maybe. But he's alone.
"I want to do anything I can to help, or-- or aid, or assist, or-- or anything else," he mumbles. "Maybe we should just-- skip my birthday stuff and go find her. This General lady."
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"She was banished from the Capitol planet over ten years go. We have to get out to the frontier, first." He paused, wetting his lips, before sitting up so that he could watch Owain's face carefully.
"Look, you have - absolutely no idea - what it means to me that you're even thinking about going this route, Owain. I'm never going to be able to explain that. But I'm not throwing you into the lion's den without any protection. It's gonna take a little bit to make sure that doing this isn't just a one-way street to getting you killing before we can celebrate your nineteenth birthday. So - no skipping. We're not going to have a whole day like this just to ourselves for a long time."
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Wait, fuck.
"Shit! What?!" He panics, a little, bolting upright, grass in his hair and head a little dizzy from the motion. "This is the last peaceful day we'll have that's just-- just us? Fuck! We can't just do Owain stuff, then! We need to do Poe stuff!"
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"Hey! Hey - relax. It's your birthday. That's what I want to do. Alright? I want to give you the whole day, so. We'll do Owain stuff, and that'll be Poe stuff too. Yeah?"
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He eyes Poe with just the greatest fuckin' surplus of suspicion, but then his shoulders droop. Enough thinking about Kes. Enough thinking about the rebellion. He hopes to his feet and holds his arm out for Poe to anchor onto as he pulls him to his feet.
"Cake. At the clocktower. And then-- I want to buy you a present. And then... some slight fucking." Well. He scratches his neck as he thinks on what else he might want.
"I don't know. I just want to be with you. I don't actually care about the context of the date."
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"Just slight, huh?" The tone was teasing, but he nodded. "Cake, clocktower, and present? Apparently." Though he frowned at that. "... Right. I should get you a birthday present. That's usually something people do on birthdays, rather than the other way around."
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"You gave me my journal. And my clothes. You don't need to get me anything else." He smooths down Poe's lapel, nodding when he's satisfied, though the firmness of his body beneath his uniform makes the tips of his ears go red as he thinks about last night. Yes. There will be. Some slight fucking.
He pauses.
"... Except for, like, the slight fucking."
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"Making sure you're outfitted with necessities isn't exactly the same as a present," he pointed out. But something crossed on his face.
An idea.
He already knew he would have to get a matching one.
So why not today?
"Actually, I have an idea. But. After the cake and maybe after the slight fucking, first."
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He folds his arms over his chest, but is of course immediately placated by the acknowlegement of cake and potential fucks-of-the-slightest-nature. He looks over the city, and he doesn't want to leave the little slice of tranquility they've found here, but they'll find it again at the clocktower. They'll always find it, as long as they're together.
They stop by a bakery and pick up the darkest chocolate cake Owain's ever seen, and it's so much more bitter than sweet, but he loves it. The clocktower has winding stone steps to the clockface itself that opens up to a balcony just below it, and they sit out there together to eat, high above the rest of the world and the jungle that spans over the planet. Owain cuts Poe a slice of cake once they're here and he reclines against his side, wanting to dangle his legs over the building but having the common sense not to. Weird how much caring about not dying gives you a sense of self-preservation, suddenly.
He digs a fork into his part of the cake, chomping down and getting crumbs on the corners of his lips, and he looks at Poe. Wind in his hair.
"You're not eating."
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He hadn't touched a bite - had instead gotten distracted by watching Owain, those traitor butterflies in his chest again maybe everything tremor with the power of their combined flight. He'd gotten distracted just looking at the way the light bent around Owain's cheekbone and the way it illuminated his skin, slightly transparent and warm with the red bloom beneath skin and he--
Fuck, he was in trouble.
"Sorry," he murmured, but he didn't seem in a rush, watching a sliver of dark chocolate cake slide into Owain's lips. He was in a lot of trouble.
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He can't, and he doesn't, but he does slowly stop chewing as an idea hits him. He swallows and goes a little warm around the collar, looking at anything but Poe while he thinks this through. He... thinks... it's a good idea, what he wants to do. Maybe.
Owain catches another bite-sized cut of cake on his fork and holds it up to Poe's lips, redder by the second but watching with an almost angry intensity. Do it. Do it. Eat it.
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The blush running under Owain's skin made Poe want to pin him down and kiss him hard, right there, but it was unmistakable, what he was ring asked to do.
So instead, without breaking eye contact, he leaned forward, lips parting around the offered piece of cake, pulling it deep into his mouth and letting the fork slide clean from his lips.
He licked his lips, tasting flecks of chocolate. Yeah. That was a good way to eat cake. Still without looking away, he sunk his fingers into just the edge of his piece, pulling a little of the dark material away, then holding it between his thumb and forefingers out to Owain.
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And then Poe has his fingers out, and--
Owain doesn't seem to know what he's doing, drowning in that boyish naivete that only ever seems to last long enough for Poe to help him feel secure. He lets Poe feed him, and for an instant it looks like that might be the end of this, but then he's carefully, carefully lapping at Poe's fingers, flicking the tip of his tongue over Poe's middle finger the same way he would to his cock. He takes the end of Poe's index finger into his mouth and sucks, tasting cake and heat and flesh, making a bit of a show out of taking him down further and sucking, applying pressure, tight, wet, warm, hard, right up to his knuckle.
And then he pulls back, acting like nothing happened. He wipes a crumb off of his face with his thumb.
Chuckles a little, maybe. Smug piece of shit.
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A few seconds pass, Poe's expression still unreadable, until without saying a word he reaches out, sliding his damp fingers around the other side of Owain's face, and pulls him into a kiss.
It's not a heated kiss, or a fast one - it wasn't the sort of kiss given as a prelude to tearing off clothing. It was slow and it was purposeful, and it made Poe's heart hammer hard against his ribs.
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He chances a look back, and when he does, Poe's taking his lips in his own and Owain's letting out a noise like he's getting into a bath after a long day. Just-- relief, pleasure, leaning into this. He lets it stay slow and purposeful, every brush of soft lips against his own making his stomach do flips like he's falling, but it doesn't take long before he tries to make things deeper.
Poe isn't as frantic or as intense or as determined to take this faster as Owain is, and it's frustrating, in a way that makes Owain smile regardless. He figures if he has to challenge Poe to stop holding back, then that's-- fun. He can have fun with that. With the taste of cake still sticking to the tip of his tongue, he pulls back and puts his hand under Poe's jacket, resting on his abdomen over his shirt.
He looks down, watches his hand as two fingers slide between the gap of his lowest buttons to rest on bare skin. He grins, again, looking at Poe.
"It is my birthday, you know."
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"Huh. So it is," He said, smiling slyly, pushing the bittersweet feeling down into his chest as far as it would go.
He was letting himself get way, way too deep.
His hand on Owain's jaw shifted, the pad of his thumb gently brushing over the man's lips. Gods, but he had the most amazing lips--
"And how exactly would you like to celebrate?"
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He leans against that hand. Always leaning. Always touchstarved.
"Just... like." He stumbles over the teasing, because again, he's so fucking new, and this is something he misses, too. "Just, like, in a sexy way, or something. Like, like with sex, or whatever. Even though I guess we probably shouldn't do that up here? I'm just, like."
He laughs, the tips of his ears an even darker shade of pink, spreading over his cheeks and his nose, lighting up.
"Just-- I don't know. Every time I see you I want to be as close to you as I can. I want to just-- be by your side, or-- or have you talk to me, or just. Be. With you. And we're alone, so I'm like... I want to be the most close. Kind of thing."
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"Maybe not right here on the balcony, no," He mused, but even as he said that, he pivoted, swinging a leg up over Owain's and sliding easily into his lap. "Though there's a little space behind the clock-face that's out of the way..."
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He wouldn't mind if they stayed here. Wouldn't mind if they were seen from below, by wandering eyes of the military, of people who thought Pledges should stay quiet and unseen and hidden from view unless otherwise addressed. The thrill of the idea makes him hard, but there's something that stops him from asking for it.
In the end, he just wants to feel close to Poe. Close in a way that belongs to him and him alone.
They leave the balcony, though Owain drags his feet about getting Poe off of his lap. They head inside, into the dark stone tower with filtered sunbeams lighting it through open windows, and Owain has Poe up against the wall in a matter of seconds, kissing him with that same slow but needy intensity, hand snaking down his own pants to fish his cock out through the top of his waistband and slowly jerk off. Too eager, as always.
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shut up
Make me :')
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