Owain laughs, too unreserved and free for a Pledge.
"No shit? You wanna hit a brothel with me?" He bites his bottom lip, lost at the thought of sharing someone with Poe, but a flare of something possessive heats his chest and the joke dies along with it. He doesn't comment on it, but he does shift from where he's laying to have his head up against Poe's chest, laying down against it with his ear to his heart and his arm around his waist.
"... Let's do the cake thing. And then - fuck. I don't know. I wanna get laid but I can still barely walk. God damn it." He draws a circle on Poe's middle with his fingertip, exhaling a slight huff from his nose. "A cake. And then - somewhere nice. To share it together. And then... that's all I got."
"I think that might be a bit much," he admits with a smirk, happily letting Owain settle in next to him. "And it's not as if there isn't a shortage of brothels on the frontier."
He feels a little squirrelly, thinking about it, a strange possessiveness quickly followed by deep, pervasive guilt. What if Owain figured out he liked something, or even someone, better...?
"I have an idea of where, maybe. You been up the clock tower?"
Owain says nothing, completely unwilling to fight Poe on this, even as a joke. No brothel, then. Not today, at least. Good. Poe's his. The beat of silence that goes on between them lasts a little too long, and Owain's hand comes to a stop.
"I've only been in the Dameron estate, my mom's old home, and anywhere you've taken me since you picked me up." It sounds like a pretty depressing list after laying it all out so openly, but he rolls onto his back and stares up at the clouds through the leaves overhead.
"Clocktower sounds good." He pauses. "The cake's gotta look badass, too. Dark and spooky. I don't care about the flavour."
He manages not to mutter something dark and bitter about it - even though it reminds him of the simmering rage that the last night's activities managed to mask completely. But it was right there, waiting.
He tries to push it down and away.
"Something chocolate, then - they have some that are almost black." He lets out a breath. "Alright. Well. We should probably get up."
He can't quite sense the tension in the air, but he feels something off in the way Poe breathes out, and he rolls back to his side to get a better look at him. They should move, but he's tired, and it's comfortable, and he'd be more than alright just taking a nap here and waking up sore all over again in a few hours.
He tugs on Poe's cravat, loosens it. Takes it off. He's back in his short-sleeved sweater, the one stained with blood that's been faded only slightly by the wash, and the cravat doesn't suit him at all, but he ties it around his own neck. Taking part of Poe's uniform. Blurring the lines, again, between what's socially acceptable for a Pledge and what's a sign of disrespect to one's master. Rebellion.
"... Do you want to talk about what happened at the ball?" He swallows. "I was-- I was upset. I think. By the time we came back. So I might not have... helped sort things out. Especially 'cause of how we, uh - resolved everything."
The cravat made him smile, soft and fond, and he reached out to adjust it, despite it making no sense with the outfit. There. Better.
The smile faded when Owain started speaking.
"Is there something more you want to say about it?" It wasn't accusatory or even questioning - just honestly open. "Because as far as I can see, my Father just... Got under your skin."
Owain stays still as Poe fixes his outfit, feeling bizarrely smug and proud of how he looks with it on. He fidgets with the end of it and drops his head to rest on his arm, still watching Poe.
"He... did."
It's hard to admit it, and it's obviously something Owain has to force out of himself, because-- because it's Kes, he can't talk bad about Kes. He curls his hand in the grass.
"I don't know. I guess not. I'm just-- I feel guilty? I feel like I should apologize. For treating you the way that I did. For letting him get to me. I don't... want to be that person anymore, but I just let it happen. It's scary."
Poe leaned up on an elbow, watching Owain for a few seconds before reaching out and gently cupping the side of his face, brushing his thumb over the man's cheekbone.
"... We knew this wasn't going to be easy," he pointed out in a quiet voice. "But you snapped out of it. Right? He tried his best and yet here you are - I got you back in less than a day."
Owain watches back. Leans into Poe's hand, still desperate for contact. Still touch-starved, despite all they've done. Still so fucking lonely, under all of this.
It takes a while for him to reply, because things are starting to snowball in his head, and there's too much shit for him to worry abut to be able to just-- chill.
"Do you think he was right about any of it? Like," With wide eyes, he rushes to clarify. "Not about... fulfilling my role, or anything. But, like-- he said you make enemies. Do you think you make enemies?"
"I'm sure I do," he replied, with a slight shrug. "But it doesn't matter. Even if I pretended that everything was right in the world, I'd still have enemies. That's just how things work. I can't please everyone."
It's the slight shrug that gets his attention more than anything. The way Poe doesn't really seem to give a shit about any of this. It makes sense - he wants to change the world and he doesn't care about stepping on any toes. But.
But.
Owain sits up, looking him in the eye. Serious, this time.
"People might try to kill me." He doesn't flinch away, even though he wants to. "I didn't place much value on my life, until recently. I wouldn't have cared if I died, because if I'm assassinated because of politics or power, it would be-- walking in my parents footsteps. Dying like them. Honorable and brave, as a Pledge. Doing my duty. That's what I thought."
He looks away from Poe, out over the capital. Angry, again. Righteous.
"It's so much different now. I have things I want to live for. Things I want to be. You said I could be a hero. I want that? So. I'll face any enemies of yours and come out of it alive - but you've gotta realize once we're out of the safety of these four walls, any enemy you make is gonna be an enemy of mine, too."
"Anyone who wants to get to you will have to get through me, first."
There was no hesitancy or question in his tone - just a dark, level, promise. If he'd been here - he would have been able to promise the same to Owain's parents. The thought that he hadn't been made his stomach twist with rage.
No one was getting that chance with Owain.
"But I'm not sitting on my heels out of fear. Of anyone."
Owain can't tell what, exactly, it is that he feels. Pride, maybe, in Poe. Loyalty, above all else. He's not scared, not really, just determined to fight and to protect himself. Kes was-- manipulative, intentionally or otherwise, by saying if anyone can protect him, you can, and above everything else hey talked about at the ball, that's still what sticks with him.
Yet here Poe is, vowing to protect him first. Fuck, Owain just wants to kiss him.
He lays back down instead, and he thinks.
"I want..."
He thinks long and hard, before he finishes his thought.
"I want... to disestablish the Pledge system. I want to-- seriously-- very, very seriously-- find a way for us to do that. I think. I think that's what I want. I don't know yet, but I think that's what I wan."
A thousand contradictory words stammer through his head. A thousand different ways of saying he wants to meet them but he's scared. A thousand different ways to laugh and say he didn't mean it, because he sees Kes in his head telling him he would have taken him as a pledge and Owain's heart still aches because on some level he wants that.
But he can tell this is-- not an easy thing for Poe to bring up. He chews on his bottom lip, then forces a smile that flickers into life then ies a moment later.
Poe gives a soft snort from his nose, giving Owain a small, fond smile.
"Who doesn't like cake?" He paused, wet his lips, then looked back toward the city. "... All I'm saying is that... It's a doable dream, Owain. But it's a dangerous one."
Owain would smile back, if he weren't so focused. His chest feels too small for all the nerves jumping in every direction inside his ribs. He runs his fingers through his hair and already feels his resolve crumbling into pieces.
"I just want to be with you and not-- go back on that-- just because someone else makes me feel like I have to. You've given me more freedom than-- probably any Pledge has had. This should be... normal. For me. For everyone. I shouldn't be raised... to die. Maybe? Unless that's wrong."
"You're not wrong." His voice had dropped very quiet - habit, more than actually worrying that anyone was listening in. "No one should be raised to die or serve with no choice."
"But you're not the first Pledge to be given this freedom, either. I may run my mouth more openly than most, but - I'm not the only one, who believes in abolishing the pledge system. There are... a few. Of us."
Owain feels safer talking about this out here, surrounded by nature, than he would in their room, thin walls so close to so many people in the military. He watches the clouds drift by overhead for the second time, lost in them until he sees a shape that reminds him of a flower his mom used to like and he has to turn away.
He gave Owain a sad, sympathetic smile, even as the other man kept his eyes on the clouds. He leaned over, pressing a warm, dry kiss to his temple.
"... Not really my call, sorry. When assassinations are on the table, people tend to be cautious about it. But I'll... I'll put some tendrils out, see who's willing to put some skin at risk. Everyone's a bit paranoid, at the moment."
He paused, but then added: "The General, at least... She'll be willing to see you. But not here. Not on this planet."
Owain's expression doesn't change, but that kiss warms him and melts away a lot of the ice that had been starting to rest in his chest. He turns to look at Poe, considering something, then leans over to kiss him as quickly as he can on the lips bfore pulling back just as fast.
He wishes he had important people in his life to introduce Poe to. A cousin, maybe. But he's alone.
"I want to do anything I can to help, or-- or aid, or assist, or-- or anything else," he mumbles. "Maybe we should just-- skip my birthday stuff and go find her. This General lady."
"She was banished from the Capitol planet over ten years go. We have to get out to the frontier, first." He paused, wetting his lips, before sitting up so that he could watch Owain's face carefully.
"Look, you have - absolutely no idea - what it means to me that you're even thinking about going this route, Owain. I'm never going to be able to explain that. But I'm not throwing you into the lion's den without any protection. It's gonna take a little bit to make sure that doing this isn't just a one-way street to getting you killing before we can celebrate your nineteenth birthday. So - no skipping. We're not going to have a whole day like this just to ourselves for a long time."
Edited (fuck you i know how grammar works) 2018-01-31 23:40 (UTC)
Owain's disappointed, but if there's nothing he can do, there's nothing he can do. He figures dragging his feet on this and asking to, like, steal a way off this planet to go find her already is probably not the right thing to do, but even if it was, he's caught up in the last thing Poe says.
Wait, fuck.
"Shit! What?!" He panics, a little, bolting upright, grass in his hair and head a little dizzy from the motion. "This is the last peaceful day we'll have that's just-- just us? Fuck! We can't just do Owain stuff, then! We need to do Poe stuff!"
Poe immediately reached out a steadying hand to grasp Owain's shoulder.
"Hey! Hey - relax. It's your birthday. That's what I want to do. Alright? I want to give you the whole day, so. We'll do Owain stuff, and that'll be Poe stuff too. Yeah?"
He eyes Poe with just the greatest fuckin' surplus of suspicion, but then his shoulders droop. Enough thinking about Kes. Enough thinking about the rebellion. He hopes to his feet and holds his arm out for Poe to anchor onto as he pulls him to his feet.
"Cake. At the clocktower. And then-- I want to buy you a present. And then... some slight fucking." Well. He scratches his neck as he thinks on what else he might want.
"I don't know. I just want to be with you. I don't actually care about the context of the date."
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"No shit? You wanna hit a brothel with me?" He bites his bottom lip, lost at the thought of sharing someone with Poe, but a flare of something possessive heats his chest and the joke dies along with it. He doesn't comment on it, but he does shift from where he's laying to have his head up against Poe's chest, laying down against it with his ear to his heart and his arm around his waist.
"... Let's do the cake thing. And then - fuck. I don't know. I wanna get laid but I can still barely walk. God damn it." He draws a circle on Poe's middle with his fingertip, exhaling a slight huff from his nose. "A cake. And then - somewhere nice. To share it together. And then... that's all I got."
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"I think that might be a bit much," he admits with a smirk, happily letting Owain settle in next to him. "And it's not as if there isn't a shortage of brothels on the frontier."
He feels a little squirrelly, thinking about it, a strange possessiveness quickly followed by deep, pervasive guilt. What if Owain figured out he liked something, or even someone, better...?
"I have an idea of where, maybe. You been up the clock tower?"
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"I've only been in the Dameron estate, my mom's old home, and anywhere you've taken me since you picked me up." It sounds like a pretty depressing list after laying it all out so openly, but he rolls onto his back and stares up at the clouds through the leaves overhead.
"Clocktower sounds good." He pauses. "The cake's gotta look badass, too. Dark and spooky. I don't care about the flavour."
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His fucking Father.
He manages not to mutter something dark and bitter about it - even though it reminds him of the simmering rage that the last night's activities managed to mask completely. But it was right there, waiting.
He tries to push it down and away.
"Something chocolate, then - they have some that are almost black." He lets out a breath. "Alright. Well. We should probably get up."
He makes absolutely no move to do that.
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He can't quite sense the tension in the air, but he feels something off in the way Poe breathes out, and he rolls back to his side to get a better look at him. They should move, but he's tired, and it's comfortable, and he'd be more than alright just taking a nap here and waking up sore all over again in a few hours.
He tugs on Poe's cravat, loosens it. Takes it off. He's back in his short-sleeved sweater, the one stained with blood that's been faded only slightly by the wash, and the cravat doesn't suit him at all, but he ties it around his own neck. Taking part of Poe's uniform. Blurring the lines, again, between what's socially acceptable for a Pledge and what's a sign of disrespect to one's master. Rebellion.
"... Do you want to talk about what happened at the ball?" He swallows. "I was-- I was upset. I think. By the time we came back. So I might not have... helped sort things out. Especially 'cause of how we, uh - resolved everything."
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The cravat made him smile, soft and fond, and he reached out to adjust it, despite it making no sense with the outfit. There. Better.
The smile faded when Owain started speaking.
"Is there something more you want to say about it?" It wasn't accusatory or even questioning - just honestly open. "Because as far as I can see, my Father just... Got under your skin."
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"He... did."
It's hard to admit it, and it's obviously something Owain has to force out of himself, because-- because it's Kes, he can't talk bad about Kes. He curls his hand in the grass.
"I don't know. I guess not. I'm just-- I feel guilty? I feel like I should apologize. For treating you the way that I did. For letting him get to me. I don't... want to be that person anymore, but I just let it happen. It's scary."
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Poe leaned up on an elbow, watching Owain for a few seconds before reaching out and gently cupping the side of his face, brushing his thumb over the man's cheekbone.
"... We knew this wasn't going to be easy," he pointed out in a quiet voice. "But you snapped out of it. Right? He tried his best and yet here you are - I got you back in less than a day."
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It takes a while for him to reply, because things are starting to snowball in his head, and there's too much shit for him to worry abut to be able to just-- chill.
"Do you think he was right about any of it? Like," With wide eyes, he rushes to clarify. "Not about... fulfilling my role, or anything. But, like-- he said you make enemies. Do you think you make enemies?"
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"I'm sure I do," he replied, with a slight shrug. "But it doesn't matter. Even if I pretended that everything was right in the world, I'd still have enemies. That's just how things work. I can't please everyone."
Not that he'd tried.
But even Kes had his Pledge assassinated.
"I can take whatever they try to throw at me."
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But.
Owain sits up, looking him in the eye. Serious, this time.
"People might try to kill me." He doesn't flinch away, even though he wants to. "I didn't place much value on my life, until recently. I wouldn't have cared if I died, because if I'm assassinated because of politics or power, it would be-- walking in my parents footsteps. Dying like them. Honorable and brave, as a Pledge. Doing my duty. That's what I thought."
He looks away from Poe, out over the capital. Angry, again. Righteous.
"It's so much different now. I have things I want to live for. Things I want to be. You said I could be a hero. I want that? So. I'll face any enemies of yours and come out of it alive - but you've gotta realize once we're out of the safety of these four walls, any enemy you make is gonna be an enemy of mine, too."
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"Anyone who wants to get to you will have to get through me, first."
There was no hesitancy or question in his tone - just a dark, level, promise. If he'd been here - he would have been able to promise the same to Owain's parents. The thought that he hadn't been made his stomach twist with rage.
No one was getting that chance with Owain.
"But I'm not sitting on my heels out of fear. Of anyone."
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Yet here Poe is, vowing to protect him first. Fuck, Owain just wants to kiss him.
He lays back down instead, and he thinks.
"I want..."
He thinks long and hard, before he finishes his thought.
"I want... to disestablish the Pledge system. I want to-- seriously-- very, very seriously-- find a way for us to do that. I think. I think that's what I want. I don't know yet, but I think that's what I wan."
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"... Then I think there are a few people you should meet," He said, finally, a weird tone to his voice. Not hesitant, exactly, but cautious.
Secrecy was a hard habit to break, and even with everything that had happened over the last four days with Owain...
He trusted the man with his life. But it wasn't just his life at stake.
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But he can tell this is-- not an easy thing for Poe to bring up. He chews on his bottom lip, then forces a smile that flickers into life then ies a moment later.
"... Do they like cake?"
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"Who doesn't like cake?" He paused, wet his lips, then looked back toward the city. "... All I'm saying is that... It's a doable dream, Owain. But it's a dangerous one."
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"I just want to be with you and not-- go back on that-- just because someone else makes me feel like I have to. You've given me more freedom than-- probably any Pledge has had. This should be... normal. For me. For everyone. I shouldn't be raised... to die. Maybe? Unless that's wrong."
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"But you're not the first Pledge to be given this freedom, either. I may run my mouth more openly than most, but - I'm not the only one, who believes in abolishing the pledge system. There are... a few. Of us."
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"... Tell me about them, then."
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"... Not really my call, sorry. When assassinations are on the table, people tend to be cautious about it. But I'll... I'll put some tendrils out, see who's willing to put some skin at risk. Everyone's a bit paranoid, at the moment."
He paused, but then added: "The General, at least... She'll be willing to see you. But not here. Not on this planet."
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He wishes he had important people in his life to introduce Poe to. A cousin, maybe. But he's alone.
"I want to do anything I can to help, or-- or aid, or assist, or-- or anything else," he mumbles. "Maybe we should just-- skip my birthday stuff and go find her. This General lady."
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"She was banished from the Capitol planet over ten years go. We have to get out to the frontier, first." He paused, wetting his lips, before sitting up so that he could watch Owain's face carefully.
"Look, you have - absolutely no idea - what it means to me that you're even thinking about going this route, Owain. I'm never going to be able to explain that. But I'm not throwing you into the lion's den without any protection. It's gonna take a little bit to make sure that doing this isn't just a one-way street to getting you killing before we can celebrate your nineteenth birthday. So - no skipping. We're not going to have a whole day like this just to ourselves for a long time."
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Wait, fuck.
"Shit! What?!" He panics, a little, bolting upright, grass in his hair and head a little dizzy from the motion. "This is the last peaceful day we'll have that's just-- just us? Fuck! We can't just do Owain stuff, then! We need to do Poe stuff!"
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"Hey! Hey - relax. It's your birthday. That's what I want to do. Alright? I want to give you the whole day, so. We'll do Owain stuff, and that'll be Poe stuff too. Yeah?"
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He eyes Poe with just the greatest fuckin' surplus of suspicion, but then his shoulders droop. Enough thinking about Kes. Enough thinking about the rebellion. He hopes to his feet and holds his arm out for Poe to anchor onto as he pulls him to his feet.
"Cake. At the clocktower. And then-- I want to buy you a present. And then... some slight fucking." Well. He scratches his neck as he thinks on what else he might want.
"I don't know. I just want to be with you. I don't actually care about the context of the date."
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shut up
Make me :')
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