He's quiet as he listens, soothed by the fingers in his hair. He just... watches Poe, smiling softly, thinking he should put thought into whatever it is he should say or do. Instead, he just speaks without filter, unconsciously trying to reassure.
"I think-- it was inevitable. What happened."
Because I think I've fallen in love with you. He swallows that down, at least.
"You pledged your life to me. I've pledged mine to yours. I've given you every part of me. You've given me every part of you. It's... I don't know. I love-- this. What we have. I don't want you to feel like you've done anything wrong by me, or by the world, or by-- by anyone. Because I love-- all of this. All of us."
"Inevitable could still have waited two days," he pointed out, but the tone was light. He couldn't bring himself to keep feeling guilty about it. He bent down at a fairly awkward angle to press a kiss to the side it Owain's mouth, which was as close as he could reach.
Owain shrugs. He considers saying something stupid about how things can't change that much over two days, but-- two days really has been a lot for him, hasn't it? He smiles into the kiss, looping his arm around Poe's neck and not letting him down until Owain deepens it, keeping him there until he runs out of breath.
He lets go, breathing slow, trying to steady the growing lust that's building up in here. Can't feel like that here. Not at a fucking park.
"... I think I wouldn't feel as confident about myself-- and about us-- if you hadn't let me do the things I've done with you." He swallows. "It was-- I don't know. You let me feel like a person. Helped me find that in myself. I might still be bowing my head and begging you for attention if you hadn't just totally destroyed my ass last night. So."
"That was all you, Owain," he murmurs, and it's quiet and fond. He ran his fingers through Owain's hair again, just because he could, causing it to stand in a half dozen different directions.
"I was just lucky to be able to come along for the ride."
He nods, very seriously, Poe's hand still in his hair, making the mess even worse. He goes quiet. Considers asking if he's okay, if he's still embarrassed. Considers promising he'll keep all of this to themselves, less because he's ashamed and more because this is just-- his, and he doesn't want to share it. He decides not to, inevitably, because it is his motherfucking birthday.
"... I wanna do something special, still. Not that-- staying here all day wouldn't be special? I could do that. If you wanted to. We could just chill. Learn more about each other."
Poe chuckles, because that hadn't been what he had meant, at all. He had meant it in a far, far sappier way. But maybe it was for the best to avoid that.
"It's your birthday, Owain, not mine. Whatever you want to do, we'll do it. Just name it."
Owain... nods. He's inundated by choice, and it's hard to have pretty much an entire city to choose from when up until now all he could really like was Poe. And books, sometimes.
"My birthdays until now have just been, like-- a quiet celebration amongst the two older servants who remembered the date. An extra serving of dinner if I'd been good. Sometimes Kes would come down and say hello to me, but it was always with a reminder that I needed to study and that I couldn't get distracted by things like this."
He takes a breath.
"I don't even know what I like. I don't know what people do for their birthdays... and I don't remember a lot of my childhood before mom and dad died." He scratches at his neck. "What do people normally do? Cake or something, right? Can-- can I have a cake?"
The reminder of his father dimmed the life of the butterflies within him, and he let out a breath as he flopped back into the grass.
"... Honestly, I haven't even noticed my last few birthdays. I think the last one I was in a foxhole. But 18 is different."
He'd spend his signing up for the army.
"I think Dourant was bragging about having hit a brothel, for his," he murmured, his fingers playing idly in Owain's hair. "A cake, though. A cake we can do."
Owain laughs, too unreserved and free for a Pledge.
"No shit? You wanna hit a brothel with me?" He bites his bottom lip, lost at the thought of sharing someone with Poe, but a flare of something possessive heats his chest and the joke dies along with it. He doesn't comment on it, but he does shift from where he's laying to have his head up against Poe's chest, laying down against it with his ear to his heart and his arm around his waist.
"... Let's do the cake thing. And then - fuck. I don't know. I wanna get laid but I can still barely walk. God damn it." He draws a circle on Poe's middle with his fingertip, exhaling a slight huff from his nose. "A cake. And then - somewhere nice. To share it together. And then... that's all I got."
"I think that might be a bit much," he admits with a smirk, happily letting Owain settle in next to him. "And it's not as if there isn't a shortage of brothels on the frontier."
He feels a little squirrelly, thinking about it, a strange possessiveness quickly followed by deep, pervasive guilt. What if Owain figured out he liked something, or even someone, better...?
"I have an idea of where, maybe. You been up the clock tower?"
Owain says nothing, completely unwilling to fight Poe on this, even as a joke. No brothel, then. Not today, at least. Good. Poe's his. The beat of silence that goes on between them lasts a little too long, and Owain's hand comes to a stop.
"I've only been in the Dameron estate, my mom's old home, and anywhere you've taken me since you picked me up." It sounds like a pretty depressing list after laying it all out so openly, but he rolls onto his back and stares up at the clouds through the leaves overhead.
"Clocktower sounds good." He pauses. "The cake's gotta look badass, too. Dark and spooky. I don't care about the flavour."
He manages not to mutter something dark and bitter about it - even though it reminds him of the simmering rage that the last night's activities managed to mask completely. But it was right there, waiting.
He tries to push it down and away.
"Something chocolate, then - they have some that are almost black." He lets out a breath. "Alright. Well. We should probably get up."
He can't quite sense the tension in the air, but he feels something off in the way Poe breathes out, and he rolls back to his side to get a better look at him. They should move, but he's tired, and it's comfortable, and he'd be more than alright just taking a nap here and waking up sore all over again in a few hours.
He tugs on Poe's cravat, loosens it. Takes it off. He's back in his short-sleeved sweater, the one stained with blood that's been faded only slightly by the wash, and the cravat doesn't suit him at all, but he ties it around his own neck. Taking part of Poe's uniform. Blurring the lines, again, between what's socially acceptable for a Pledge and what's a sign of disrespect to one's master. Rebellion.
"... Do you want to talk about what happened at the ball?" He swallows. "I was-- I was upset. I think. By the time we came back. So I might not have... helped sort things out. Especially 'cause of how we, uh - resolved everything."
The cravat made him smile, soft and fond, and he reached out to adjust it, despite it making no sense with the outfit. There. Better.
The smile faded when Owain started speaking.
"Is there something more you want to say about it?" It wasn't accusatory or even questioning - just honestly open. "Because as far as I can see, my Father just... Got under your skin."
Owain stays still as Poe fixes his outfit, feeling bizarrely smug and proud of how he looks with it on. He fidgets with the end of it and drops his head to rest on his arm, still watching Poe.
"He... did."
It's hard to admit it, and it's obviously something Owain has to force out of himself, because-- because it's Kes, he can't talk bad about Kes. He curls his hand in the grass.
"I don't know. I guess not. I'm just-- I feel guilty? I feel like I should apologize. For treating you the way that I did. For letting him get to me. I don't... want to be that person anymore, but I just let it happen. It's scary."
Poe leaned up on an elbow, watching Owain for a few seconds before reaching out and gently cupping the side of his face, brushing his thumb over the man's cheekbone.
"... We knew this wasn't going to be easy," he pointed out in a quiet voice. "But you snapped out of it. Right? He tried his best and yet here you are - I got you back in less than a day."
Owain watches back. Leans into Poe's hand, still desperate for contact. Still touch-starved, despite all they've done. Still so fucking lonely, under all of this.
It takes a while for him to reply, because things are starting to snowball in his head, and there's too much shit for him to worry abut to be able to just-- chill.
"Do you think he was right about any of it? Like," With wide eyes, he rushes to clarify. "Not about... fulfilling my role, or anything. But, like-- he said you make enemies. Do you think you make enemies?"
"I'm sure I do," he replied, with a slight shrug. "But it doesn't matter. Even if I pretended that everything was right in the world, I'd still have enemies. That's just how things work. I can't please everyone."
It's the slight shrug that gets his attention more than anything. The way Poe doesn't really seem to give a shit about any of this. It makes sense - he wants to change the world and he doesn't care about stepping on any toes. But.
But.
Owain sits up, looking him in the eye. Serious, this time.
"People might try to kill me." He doesn't flinch away, even though he wants to. "I didn't place much value on my life, until recently. I wouldn't have cared if I died, because if I'm assassinated because of politics or power, it would be-- walking in my parents footsteps. Dying like them. Honorable and brave, as a Pledge. Doing my duty. That's what I thought."
He looks away from Poe, out over the capital. Angry, again. Righteous.
"It's so much different now. I have things I want to live for. Things I want to be. You said I could be a hero. I want that? So. I'll face any enemies of yours and come out of it alive - but you've gotta realize once we're out of the safety of these four walls, any enemy you make is gonna be an enemy of mine, too."
"Anyone who wants to get to you will have to get through me, first."
There was no hesitancy or question in his tone - just a dark, level, promise. If he'd been here - he would have been able to promise the same to Owain's parents. The thought that he hadn't been made his stomach twist with rage.
No one was getting that chance with Owain.
"But I'm not sitting on my heels out of fear. Of anyone."
Owain can't tell what, exactly, it is that he feels. Pride, maybe, in Poe. Loyalty, above all else. He's not scared, not really, just determined to fight and to protect himself. Kes was-- manipulative, intentionally or otherwise, by saying if anyone can protect him, you can, and above everything else hey talked about at the ball, that's still what sticks with him.
Yet here Poe is, vowing to protect him first. Fuck, Owain just wants to kiss him.
He lays back down instead, and he thinks.
"I want..."
He thinks long and hard, before he finishes his thought.
"I want... to disestablish the Pledge system. I want to-- seriously-- very, very seriously-- find a way for us to do that. I think. I think that's what I want. I don't know yet, but I think that's what I wan."
A thousand contradictory words stammer through his head. A thousand different ways of saying he wants to meet them but he's scared. A thousand different ways to laugh and say he didn't mean it, because he sees Kes in his head telling him he would have taken him as a pledge and Owain's heart still aches because on some level he wants that.
But he can tell this is-- not an easy thing for Poe to bring up. He chews on his bottom lip, then forces a smile that flickers into life then ies a moment later.
Poe gives a soft snort from his nose, giving Owain a small, fond smile.
"Who doesn't like cake?" He paused, wet his lips, then looked back toward the city. "... All I'm saying is that... It's a doable dream, Owain. But it's a dangerous one."
Owain would smile back, if he weren't so focused. His chest feels too small for all the nerves jumping in every direction inside his ribs. He runs his fingers through his hair and already feels his resolve crumbling into pieces.
"I just want to be with you and not-- go back on that-- just because someone else makes me feel like I have to. You've given me more freedom than-- probably any Pledge has had. This should be... normal. For me. For everyone. I shouldn't be raised... to die. Maybe? Unless that's wrong."
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He's quiet as he listens, soothed by the fingers in his hair. He just... watches Poe, smiling softly, thinking he should put thought into whatever it is he should say or do. Instead, he just speaks without filter, unconsciously trying to reassure.
"I think-- it was inevitable. What happened."
Because I think I've fallen in love with you. He swallows that down, at least.
"You pledged your life to me. I've pledged mine to yours. I've given you every part of me. You've given me every part of you. It's... I don't know. I love-- this. What we have. I don't want you to feel like you've done anything wrong by me, or by the world, or by-- by anyone. Because I love-- all of this. All of us."
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"Inevitable could still have waited two days," he pointed out, but the tone was light. He couldn't bring himself to keep feeling guilty about it. He bent down at a fairly awkward angle to press a kiss to the side it Owain's mouth, which was as close as he could reach.
".... Yeah. I love- it too."
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He lets go, breathing slow, trying to steady the growing lust that's building up in here. Can't feel like that here. Not at a fucking park.
"... I think I wouldn't feel as confident about myself-- and about us-- if you hadn't let me do the things I've done with you." He swallows. "It was-- I don't know. You let me feel like a person. Helped me find that in myself. I might still be bowing my head and begging you for attention if you hadn't just totally destroyed my ass last night. So."
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"That was all you, Owain," he murmurs, and it's quiet and fond. He ran his fingers through Owain's hair again, just because he could, causing it to stand in a half dozen different directions.
"I was just lucky to be able to come along for the ride."
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He nods, very seriously, Poe's hand still in his hair, making the mess even worse. He goes quiet. Considers asking if he's okay, if he's still embarrassed. Considers promising he'll keep all of this to themselves, less because he's ashamed and more because this is just-- his, and he doesn't want to share it. He decides not to, inevitably, because it is his motherfucking birthday.
"... I wanna do something special, still. Not that-- staying here all day wouldn't be special? I could do that. If you wanted to. We could just chill. Learn more about each other."
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Poe chuckles, because that hadn't been what he had meant, at all. He had meant it in a far, far sappier way. But maybe it was for the best to avoid that.
"It's your birthday, Owain, not mine. Whatever you want to do, we'll do it. Just name it."
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"My birthdays until now have just been, like-- a quiet celebration amongst the two older servants who remembered the date. An extra serving of dinner if I'd been good. Sometimes Kes would come down and say hello to me, but it was always with a reminder that I needed to study and that I couldn't get distracted by things like this."
He takes a breath.
"I don't even know what I like. I don't know what people do for their birthdays... and I don't remember a lot of my childhood before mom and dad died." He scratches at his neck. "What do people normally do? Cake or something, right? Can-- can I have a cake?"
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The reminder of his father dimmed the life of the butterflies within him, and he let out a breath as he flopped back into the grass.
"... Honestly, I haven't even noticed my last few birthdays. I think the last one I was in a foxhole. But 18 is different."
He'd spend his signing up for the army.
"I think Dourant was bragging about having hit a brothel, for his," he murmured, his fingers playing idly in Owain's hair. "A cake, though. A cake we can do."
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"No shit? You wanna hit a brothel with me?" He bites his bottom lip, lost at the thought of sharing someone with Poe, but a flare of something possessive heats his chest and the joke dies along with it. He doesn't comment on it, but he does shift from where he's laying to have his head up against Poe's chest, laying down against it with his ear to his heart and his arm around his waist.
"... Let's do the cake thing. And then - fuck. I don't know. I wanna get laid but I can still barely walk. God damn it." He draws a circle on Poe's middle with his fingertip, exhaling a slight huff from his nose. "A cake. And then - somewhere nice. To share it together. And then... that's all I got."
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"I think that might be a bit much," he admits with a smirk, happily letting Owain settle in next to him. "And it's not as if there isn't a shortage of brothels on the frontier."
He feels a little squirrelly, thinking about it, a strange possessiveness quickly followed by deep, pervasive guilt. What if Owain figured out he liked something, or even someone, better...?
"I have an idea of where, maybe. You been up the clock tower?"
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"I've only been in the Dameron estate, my mom's old home, and anywhere you've taken me since you picked me up." It sounds like a pretty depressing list after laying it all out so openly, but he rolls onto his back and stares up at the clouds through the leaves overhead.
"Clocktower sounds good." He pauses. "The cake's gotta look badass, too. Dark and spooky. I don't care about the flavour."
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His fucking Father.
He manages not to mutter something dark and bitter about it - even though it reminds him of the simmering rage that the last night's activities managed to mask completely. But it was right there, waiting.
He tries to push it down and away.
"Something chocolate, then - they have some that are almost black." He lets out a breath. "Alright. Well. We should probably get up."
He makes absolutely no move to do that.
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He can't quite sense the tension in the air, but he feels something off in the way Poe breathes out, and he rolls back to his side to get a better look at him. They should move, but he's tired, and it's comfortable, and he'd be more than alright just taking a nap here and waking up sore all over again in a few hours.
He tugs on Poe's cravat, loosens it. Takes it off. He's back in his short-sleeved sweater, the one stained with blood that's been faded only slightly by the wash, and the cravat doesn't suit him at all, but he ties it around his own neck. Taking part of Poe's uniform. Blurring the lines, again, between what's socially acceptable for a Pledge and what's a sign of disrespect to one's master. Rebellion.
"... Do you want to talk about what happened at the ball?" He swallows. "I was-- I was upset. I think. By the time we came back. So I might not have... helped sort things out. Especially 'cause of how we, uh - resolved everything."
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The cravat made him smile, soft and fond, and he reached out to adjust it, despite it making no sense with the outfit. There. Better.
The smile faded when Owain started speaking.
"Is there something more you want to say about it?" It wasn't accusatory or even questioning - just honestly open. "Because as far as I can see, my Father just... Got under your skin."
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"He... did."
It's hard to admit it, and it's obviously something Owain has to force out of himself, because-- because it's Kes, he can't talk bad about Kes. He curls his hand in the grass.
"I don't know. I guess not. I'm just-- I feel guilty? I feel like I should apologize. For treating you the way that I did. For letting him get to me. I don't... want to be that person anymore, but I just let it happen. It's scary."
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Poe leaned up on an elbow, watching Owain for a few seconds before reaching out and gently cupping the side of his face, brushing his thumb over the man's cheekbone.
"... We knew this wasn't going to be easy," he pointed out in a quiet voice. "But you snapped out of it. Right? He tried his best and yet here you are - I got you back in less than a day."
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It takes a while for him to reply, because things are starting to snowball in his head, and there's too much shit for him to worry abut to be able to just-- chill.
"Do you think he was right about any of it? Like," With wide eyes, he rushes to clarify. "Not about... fulfilling my role, or anything. But, like-- he said you make enemies. Do you think you make enemies?"
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"I'm sure I do," he replied, with a slight shrug. "But it doesn't matter. Even if I pretended that everything was right in the world, I'd still have enemies. That's just how things work. I can't please everyone."
Not that he'd tried.
But even Kes had his Pledge assassinated.
"I can take whatever they try to throw at me."
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But.
Owain sits up, looking him in the eye. Serious, this time.
"People might try to kill me." He doesn't flinch away, even though he wants to. "I didn't place much value on my life, until recently. I wouldn't have cared if I died, because if I'm assassinated because of politics or power, it would be-- walking in my parents footsteps. Dying like them. Honorable and brave, as a Pledge. Doing my duty. That's what I thought."
He looks away from Poe, out over the capital. Angry, again. Righteous.
"It's so much different now. I have things I want to live for. Things I want to be. You said I could be a hero. I want that? So. I'll face any enemies of yours and come out of it alive - but you've gotta realize once we're out of the safety of these four walls, any enemy you make is gonna be an enemy of mine, too."
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"Anyone who wants to get to you will have to get through me, first."
There was no hesitancy or question in his tone - just a dark, level, promise. If he'd been here - he would have been able to promise the same to Owain's parents. The thought that he hadn't been made his stomach twist with rage.
No one was getting that chance with Owain.
"But I'm not sitting on my heels out of fear. Of anyone."
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Yet here Poe is, vowing to protect him first. Fuck, Owain just wants to kiss him.
He lays back down instead, and he thinks.
"I want..."
He thinks long and hard, before he finishes his thought.
"I want... to disestablish the Pledge system. I want to-- seriously-- very, very seriously-- find a way for us to do that. I think. I think that's what I want. I don't know yet, but I think that's what I wan."
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"... Then I think there are a few people you should meet," He said, finally, a weird tone to his voice. Not hesitant, exactly, but cautious.
Secrecy was a hard habit to break, and even with everything that had happened over the last four days with Owain...
He trusted the man with his life. But it wasn't just his life at stake.
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But he can tell this is-- not an easy thing for Poe to bring up. He chews on his bottom lip, then forces a smile that flickers into life then ies a moment later.
"... Do they like cake?"
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"Who doesn't like cake?" He paused, wet his lips, then looked back toward the city. "... All I'm saying is that... It's a doable dream, Owain. But it's a dangerous one."
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"I just want to be with you and not-- go back on that-- just because someone else makes me feel like I have to. You've given me more freedom than-- probably any Pledge has had. This should be... normal. For me. For everyone. I shouldn't be raised... to die. Maybe? Unless that's wrong."
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shut up
Make me :')
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