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[shadowglitter]

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th-th-th-three months late [blasts airhorns]

[shadowglitter]

[ Owain listens, and for a time, he feels like that's all he should do. Stay quiet, say "i'm sorry", keep some distance to the situation out of some underlying fear that if he doesn't he'll say the wrong thing. He visibly flinches when Archie calls him poisonous, though, and he knows-- he knows nothing he can say will help, he knows he can't fix this, but it hurts too much to not speak his mind. He loves Archie? He's careful when he lifts his arm forward, worried that Archie might bolt once there's contact like a scared animal afraid of being fed by humans, but he finds Archie's hand and cautiously holds it with his own. ]

You're always focusing on... the bad. On the things you couldn't prevent, the-- the unavoidable things that happened. You internalize all this sorrow and all this pain and you grieve, and when you grieve, you find a way to blame yourself for all the horrible shit you've gone through. You never focus on the good you've done, or the growth you've undertaken, or - or... or that-- that people need you. I need you. I wouldn't need you, if you were just-- just bad for me. Poisonous.

[ he drags his thumb over the side of Archie's hand, and he can feel his ribs ache with the weight of all of this. the knowledge that he won't be able to fix this, the knowledge that he's contributed to Archie feeling like this, in whatever small part. ]

You're not a malicious person. You're being punished enough for the mistakes you've made by carrying all that fucking guilt with you. Punishing yourself even further by painting yourself as just-- just-- a monster? That doesn't do anything.

new phone who dis

[h2no]

[he doesn't really react at all when owain takes his hand--it's like holding onto a dead weight before archie belatedly actually reacts to it and holds owain's back. he makes no eye contact, just continues staring a hard hole into the floor in front of him.]

I wish I could, [he says eventually. he knows he's not entirely a drag, but it always feels like the bad he's done vastly outweighs the good. that no matter what he's always never going to be able to get past the bad and he'll never be good enough. that no matter how hard he tries there'll always be something new that he'll fail in and push the good stuff back down even further than it already is.] But right now it feels like I won't be able to move on from it. I can't change my way of thinking about myself when-- even though I wasn't behind the wheel, people still think everything that happened was me. Three people could've got the shot in the day before Magnus did, but they didn't, because it was me.

[he raises a shoulder in a helpless shrug.]

And it goes both ways. Especially for the people in Maurtia Falls whose friends and relatives didn't just get fixed by nanites. The actual cause doesn't matter to them, just who did the actual deed.

[shadowglitter]

[ he's in over his head and he doesn't know how to help, and that's what spurs owain on to just do something. the moment archie starts to squeeze back odin clamps his hand as tight around his as he can, just trying to show that he's fucking here. he's not great, but he's here, and he doesn't think archie's a monster. that's one person, at least. that has to count for something, he thinks. ]

Time can fix - all of this. Time provokes understanding. People don't understand your role in this, not yet, but they will with more distance. You just have to wait it out, and waiting it out requires strength. Pushing through it. The second you break under all of this, the second you sign on to a future that doesn't include the version of you that it deserves.

[ "just who did the actual deed" - that still wasn't archie. that was never archie. that was the relic. ]

You were a victim.

[h2no]

No, they won't. They don't want reasons, they won't see me as anyone other than the guy that murdered their friends and relatives.

[he pulls his knees up to his chest, shaking his head.]

You say that knowing me. What happened has barely been explained to me, let alone anyone who lives in Maurtia Falls.