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...N-no, wait. [...] How would getting punched in the nose fix this matter?

Okay, well, first of all, she wasn't punched. She had her ass deftly and promptly handed to her by a stray and mephistophelian football. For playing the football games with. The games of football that people play.

[ What Is Football ]

Secondly -

I'm saying that nothing can change your public image faster than a fake relationship. I would know. I've already done it.

[ -- wait he should've just talked about Kay and the resolution to Import My Heart, not gone on a big fucking spiral about some film from earth. you know what? doesn't matter. again, he presses on. ]

Make your own George Glass. My name's Lucina, Noble Hero of Ylisse, and I can't date Darin! I'm already dating someone else, who goes to another school! In Earth Canada!

[........]

M...My own George Glass? Fake relationship? [oh no. this is very out of her element.] Owain, a-are you sure? I've never dealt with or done anything of the sort before!

[ oh, that's true. lucina might be theatrical and capable of deceit when she has a sword in her hands, but that's just in the nature of being a heroic warrior princess with a raging bloodline, like him. the bloodline part, not the princess part. well, he's worn a few dresses, but that's neither here nor there. ]

You do lack a certain... thespian flair. No offence. It might be difficult for you to lie so abruptly on your own. I could sit down with you, maybe help you make a backstory for your secret lover - give you some lines to memorize, so you'll always be able to field any questions people might have about them... or...

[ or. ]

You could ask one of your friends for assistance? "Pretend that you and I are madly in love, even though we're not!". That way, you'll always have someone to work off of, and that's a big key to successfully improvving improv. A few candid photos with you and a friend will probably be enough to convince your fans to get off of Darin's trail.

Gods, that-- [it's all just one big, imposing yikes after another, isn't it? didn't she already tell herself she was going to cut it out with thinking about romance outright? before it caused more trouble?

like this kind of trouble??

the very prospect of asking a friend is...is not great. most are far older -- Darin's too old for her anyway so she has no idea why this blew up the way it did gods damnit! -- and those that are within range?

...erh.

well, that--

no.

NOPE.]

If...i-if this is truly the best means of putting an end to this madness, then...then I must. [think of poor Allura. of Darin's defaced forge. think of her own poor mailbox at HQ.

she exhales, easing herself into the resolve of a veteran warrior, preparing for their final battle.]

But you're right. I've got no skill with theatrics. [not on purpose.

beat.]

Owain... Would you...help me?

[ there comes a time in every owain's period of ten minutes, where he'll throw his eye into shadow under the mysterious shade of his screaming hand. this is that ten minute period. ]

Well, I don't think anyone would believe that I'm your boyfriend. We're related, for starters. I'm also in a very public relationship, and I'm twenty-four years old. But sure! Anything for you. I've got a few wigs around here, somewhere - and there's this rare and illusory art I've been studying up on referred to only in whispered and hushed tones under the harsh lighting of Heropa's mall's makeup department. It's called contouring. I could probably make myself look like a whole new person, if I'm skilled enough at practicing that particular mystic art.

[ dot dot dot. ]

Oh, wait. Do you mean - you want my help coming up with an imaginary backstory for imaginary fake George Glass?

Lucina.

I will absolutely do this with you.

[she's still kind of terrified at the prospect of this whole venture? because she'd rather fight dragons than do this?? but.

but Owain's here. and he's never led her astray. no, in fact, he's always been a kind of strength beyond her strength -- giving her greater reach, the means to pull through the most dire of straits...

and in this, too, he's vowed to lend his strength again. to a cause so unlike the ending of the world.

she truly doesn't deserve him.

choked up:] Owain... Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you, always supporting me...

I'm going to put my fate in your hands. You're the general of this campaign, full-stop. I'm ready to fight!

[ Owain - Owain feels teary. He needs a second. ]

We'll get through this together. We'll save Darin from the horrible clutches of those who, while intelligent enough to appreciate you for the true vision of power and nobility that you are, have proven themselves to be misguided in how they express themselves.

[ but now's not the time to encourage each other. now's not the time to find their strength, now's the time to draw from it. now's the time to act. owain gets to work. ]

Okay, so - first thing's first. We need to give this person a core. See, on one hand, nobody would ever believe that you're in a relationship with someone who isn't truly, deeply special - but on the other hand, there's nobody in this world, imaginary or otherwise, who is truly and deeply special enough to date you. We need to give Monsoir or Mistress Glass something that only they can give you, because then it will make sense to all your perceptive and intelligent fans that you're lowering yourself to their level. And so, my proposition is this:

[ DEEP BREATH. ]

You're courting the Prince of Canada. As a representative of Ylisse, you've come to try and forge a bond between our home nation and theirs. You're pledging Ylisse's allegiance with Canada, should the porter ever allow us home with our memories. A political relationship makes far more sense than the idea that there's someone actually good enough for you out there.

[there's some hesitation on this end, some fidgeting -- should she find pen and paper? take notes??

she stops short.]

A...a political arrangement? That's... [...] That's not bad at all. It makes sense, right? I'd offer the same good will regardless, but this makes it much more...formal, yes?

[wait.]

...Canada has a prince?

[ there's no need to take notes. the wild scritching and scratching from the other end of the line shows that owain's writing all of this down. and more. wow, a lot more. write, write, write. ]

I'm sure it...

[ he stops writing. does it? does canada have... hm. Hm. ]

I mean, everywhere has a prince. Or a princess. That's what the Ambassadors are, right? Rooty's the Deputy Princess of Maurtia Falls.

[a long beat.

his logic is pretty sound, she thinks? princesses and princes often act as ambassadors in their liege parent's stead -- that's what her father did for Aunt Emmeryn!]

...No, you're right. You're right. That makes sense. Titles are a bit strange here, but they still exist. We'll go with that.

[yes. good.

wait.]

...But if I'm making this public statement, and the actual Prince of Canada gets wind of it, what then? M-maybe we should concoct pure fiction, as opposed to tying it so closely to a real person, otherwise this becomes an even thicker web of falsehoods!

[ This is an incredibly excellent point from Lucina. Owain nods. Makes a few scholarly sounds. Hm hm hm hm. ]

We... could...

[ okay, hold on, get ready to be blown away. ]

Make up... a country?

From a made-up world. [it's starting to get clearer for her in her head, and she has...dare she think it? a spark of hope.]

Owain, I think it has to be an imaginary imPort. Being crazy about imPorts is what got these people stirred up in the first place, right? And it'll keep harm from falling upon the heads of unsuspecting, real civilians.

[she sounds more and more confident about this now.]

You need to harness your true strengths for this. You've always been good at telling stories and making me or the others seem larger than life itself! [sparkles?? in background?? of phone call????] If anyone can come up with a convincing new stranger from another world...it's you.

[ truthfully, owain thought he could never get any more emotional around Lucina than he already has been before, but spoilers, you stupid idiot! you stupid, stupid idiot who believed he'd maxed out on his Cousin Tears (TM). you dumb fool. of course he can!

his true strengths. his true strengths. his cousin believes in him, and that means so much more than anything else ever could. owain sniffles into the receiver, feeling those phone-background-sparkles in more than his imaginary fake-sight, but in his very real soul. this is love. this is what love feels like. ]

Then...

[ DEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]

Then - let's go back to basics! Let's make a person so incredibly heroic, so fascinatingly powerful, that even the most noble of heroes would dedicate their lives to studying them! To learn of all their accomplishments, of all their feats! A valiant king with a sacred sword, just like our glorious ancestor, Marth - blindly devoted to the woman he loves, just like my father, and always forging ahead to make the world a better place, just like yours! The kind of man people sing songs about. Someone worthy of your hand!

[ he'd take another deep breath here, but his lungs hurt, so he breathes normally, like a human adult. ]

Natives love Imports for the same reason that I love Ylissean history. There are these men and women all around us full of hope and inspiration and power, who commit good deeds as easily as you and I breathe.

[ DEEP, RASPY, HYPERVENTILATING BREATH. ]

We need someone who'll really play into that. What if... what if you dress up in a way that would hide your identity - a mask, a new set of clothes - and you solve crimes without ever showing your face? You could do a few good, heroic deeds over the next day or two, and then you could say that this mysterious new hero is the love of your life. That only you know who they are, and that, as they're royalty from a mysterious country, it's imperative that you don't reveal their identity. Just in case they get assassinated.

[ normal breath. oh, good, he remembered how breathing works. wait, didn't he just breathe normally, like, a second ago? by the gods, what a garbage human being. ]

Maybe?

[gods, she really should've just tracked him down directly instead of calling in a fuss; she wants to see how much of this story is being woven just by his face and hands, because she knows it is.

he's truly incredible, isn't he? in his element, moving so fast even his own breath can't keep up. flashes of brilliance, like lightning! he can get so easily caught up in it at the wrong times, which is why she can still empathize when others get exasperated with him, but she still thinks he's great.

and this idea? this time? it's...]

...

[she holds her breath a beat after his anxious conclusion, and then stays quiet for a beat longer.]

Owain, this is... It's perfect. Unbelievable, even! Why didn't I think of it? If it's myself in disguise, no others will get ensnared in this nonsense.

[amazed and delighted:] You're brilliant! This is absolutely the way to go!

[ his jazz hands don't need to be seen to be felt. or heard, actually, given that Lucina's response makes him so excited that he jumps and punches his hand up in the air, grazes his knuckles on a spinning ceiling fan and hissing painfully through his teeth. hold on, give him a minute. there are a few ow ow ows and a couple of hand shakes, but then he's back on his game like nothing ever happened. ]

Yeah, exactly! And I figure, you know - if you're fighting crime, you've already done that in disguise once before, waaaaaay back in my timeline when you were saving Lady Emmeryn from her final and grizzly demise. You were very, very cool while you were doing it, so if you channel that energy, you won't even need to think about coming up with another character! Just stop a few robberies, save a few kittens from trees, and then make an announcement when you've had time to plan it out.

[ CHUCKLING ARROGANTLY, OWAIN, THE GENIUS, CRADLES HIS BRUISED AND BATTERED HAND. ]

There is absolutely nothing in this plan that could go wrong. Our next immediate plan is to design your disguise.

[she hears that bonk and those pain sounds, herself recoiling and wincing as he recovers. he's done something silly in his excitement again, hasn't he...?]

R-right! And in no time flat, all this hullabaloo will blow over and these..."Blue...Believers..." [ehgsughsdgjsfgds] Can fixate on a mystery they'll never solve!

Right, then. A disguise. It can't be just tying my hair back and putting on a mask... [it'll be easier in the Ylisse of the past, where none know her face. here, though? with THIS much media attention???]

Right.

[ dot dot dot. ]

Can I offer an alternative, though? A secret alternative. A levelled up alternative.

[UH................

is this the part where Owain gets very...Owain......??]

Ah...what sort of alternative?

[ no, this is the part where owain gets very clever, because he is a clever clever genius. ]

[ d e e p

b r e a t h.

here we go. ]

Why don't you just ask him out on a date?

Eh-?

[??? ? ? ? ??]

My...George Glass?

No, there's no need to ask Sir Glass on a date. As you and I both know, he's already deeply and heavily devoted to you. You're basically already married.

I mean Darin! Sweet, sweet Darin.

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