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yeah, but I did something really awful. I shouldn't have cornered Poe on national television to tell him how I feel, that's-- messed up. Just once in my life I'd like to think before I open my mouth. Once! Once in my life. Fuck, I don't know. I just keep playing it over and over again in my head. I don't know how I could have misread his feelings as badly as I did. He said he was in love with someone else, and I had no idea. I thought we were close, and that I made him feel special in a way that he made me feel special, but how can I claim we were anything even close to that when I didn't know something so huge?

Feelings aren't always easy. Not in your case and probably not in his. You did something based on your feelings which you thought it would work. But they aren't always easy to fully understand and to realize, specially other people's and specially when your own are in the mix.

That's no excuse, though, right? I act like I'm in love with him and yet I still put him in this awful situation and failed to see... a lot of things. It's pathetic, honestly. I pride myself on being an empathetic person and yet-- I'm stupid? Man, I'm stupid. I just wish someone would get angry at me. Him, preferably. If he punched me and threw me out of the airlock I'd feel a lot better.

You can't always tell what other people are feeling, Odin. Sometimes it's just mixed signals, and you didn't realize it. It doesn't make you a stupid or bad person. The situation was complicated, more than you expected. And Poe seems to realize that.

I thought I could, though. I thought-- something. I don't want to say I thought that he was falling in love with me, like I was with him. But I thought there was something? And there's nothing. He wants someone else. I just, hate feeling like this, and I don't know what to do.

I know. I think it'll take some time until it gets better. It always does. But it'll get better. You feel crappy now because it was so recent, but wounds heal. You won't feel like this forever.

i hope so. Did you ever go through anything like this? Heartbreak.

My experiences were never good to begin with. But I never had someone I truly loved, I think. Until Dee. I'm not very useful on that end, I'm sorry.

Edited 2017-12-03 11:11 (UTC)

No, it's okay. I wasn't asking because I wanted you to-- to say anything specific, or-- anything. I just wanted to know more about you. I didn't know you were with Dee. I don't know as much about you as I should, given how much you've helped me before today. Sorry. For asking. It was too personal.

no, it's alright. You don't have to apologize. I'm not someone who shares a lot about myself, but I don't mind doing it. And honestly, you know more about me than Dee does. [ in fact, odin knows more about kaneki than anyone else in this place ]

okay. well... Tell me if I ever ask anything that's too much. You're my friend, and I care about you a great deal, and I'd like to know as much about you as I can. But I know a lot of people don't like talking, sometimes. Really? That dude doesn't like me but I like him. I think he's nice. He just doesn't show it. Because he insults me all the time instead. But I know he's nice. When did you fall in love with him?

[ usually if people ask too much Kaneki just doesn't answer. He says he is fine with answering, and most of the time he is, but he always believes people don't really want to know, that they ask only because they don't realize the answer is awful. So he just goes quiet. ]

I think sometimes it's because the person asking might not realize how heavy the answer can be. It's not because they don't want to answer, it's because you won't like the answer and they don't wish to make you uncomfortable. If you ask something I'm not comfortable with answering I will let you know. I'll be fair with you, Dee has a very hard time trusting and liking other people. He was never rude to me, so I can't complain, but I know a lot of people don't like him or find him rude. I'm not sure when. Everything happened so fast.

[ kaneki falls hard and fast when he is given love because he is so desperate to be loved. dee gave it to him, and Kaneki accepted it gladly and just fell deeper in love for Dee at every kiss. Even if the ghoul knows Dee doesn't know the real him and only loves a mask Kaneki puts up for him so he will continue to love Kaneki. It's messed up, but when Kaneki tried to explain it to Dee how he truly was without that mask, D33 said it didn't matter. So it doesn't. ]

Edited 2017-12-04 09:58 (UTC)

Yeah, well. I'm a murderer. A country full of people are dead, in part, because of me. There's a timeline riddled with the graves of people I could have saved, but didn't. The one person who I thought loved me for the man I am despite it all doesn't want me and never did. I can handle anything you throw at me.

[ there's a long pause, before he pushes on through the conversation. ]

I'm not surprised he was kind to you. You're polite and structured in a way not many imPorts are. I don't know how much of that is - affected. But. You're charismatic and endearing. I couldn't ever be cold to you, either. What does it feel like when you're with him?

I'm certain a lot of imPorts are too. I am not that special or interesting. But thank you, Odin. You too. You are amazing even if you don't realize it, even if you don't believe it. I've told you this before. I feel happy. [ which is a miracle because kaneki NEVER feels happy ] Calm. But it's a strange sort of calm, because at the same time I feel butterflies inside my stomach and everywhere whenever I look at him. Even if it's not true, I don't feel so monstrous when I'm with him. He doesn't know what I did so it's it's not true, but it feels as if it's okay to be this happy.

You're special and interesting to me. To Dee, too. So... Deal with it? Nerd.

[ He hypocritically glosses over the compliment directed his way. He wants to keep talking about Kaneki's relationship with Dee, too, to know more about Kaneki's happiness and experience part of it second-hand, through empathy alone - but this is too hard, he can't do this, not when his own heart feels like it's still being torn in two. He tries to write out a couple of questions - where did you meet or what's your favourite thing about him or where was your first date - but in the end, he doesn't send any of them. He just backspaces everything, his stomach in sad, lonely knots, and he's stuck, again, thinking of the person he wants. ]

I'm glad you found each other here.

I'm pretty sure you are the biggest nerd of the two of us. I'm polite and structured, after all. I am too. but I'm certain you'll be able to find someone, Odin. it's the sort of thing you can't force to happen, but I'm certain that it will happen. You deserve it.

K... Kaneki! I didn't know you had it in you to call me a nerd?! Kaneki! I could have traveled for twelve days and twelve nights in search of a more shocking sight, and I'd return home broken and empty handed! I like this side of you. And... Nn. I don't know. I don't deserve it. I don't think. And. I can't think about that right now, anyway. Finding someone. I still just want him. I just want Poe. I don't want anyone else. It hurts thinking about moving on. Everyone keeps telling me to. I don't want to. I just want him.

I know how to joke. I've also been called a little shit before. You do deserve it, Odin. And I know right that's who you want. I don't think it's easy to move on from it just like that. But time will make it easier.

I'm losing my mind. I had no idea. The whole "I'm a ghoul who eats other ghouls" reveal didn't shock me, but this? You're like a whole other person. Crazy. Thank you, though. For reaching out to me. For staying with me. You didn't have to. It means a lot.

Insane, I know. I'm a very mysterious person as you can see. You don't have to thank me. I did it because I care for you, Odin. If you need anything, you know you can contact me.

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