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[shadowglitter]

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[shadowglitter]

[ Odin grits his teeth tight, clenching his jaw and shutting his eyes. It should feel-- kind, maybe, on some level, for Peter to say that about him. Reassuring and soft, a reminder that this relationship isn't like so many others of Odin's - a reminder that this isn't one-sided, and that Peter genuinely cares about him. But the hoarseness in Peter's voice, the fact that his very best friend is this fucking sad, all of it is a little too much for him to handle, and the warmth he might have felt at knowing he brings some kind of positivity to Peter's life doesn't really mean much right now. ]

It's not the same. We're not her. We can't make things better, when she's what you need to heal.

[ He might have gotten up and left, if he'd known what he was about to say. Spared himself the countless nights he'll live through starting tomorrow, staring up at the ceiling and feeling like a selfish piece of shit for where this conversation is about to go, hating himself for always finding a way to turn everything into a show about him. But the words he next speaks slip out of him like a tidal wave, like he finally found an opportunity to just say them to someone and that alone is enough to break the damn. ]

I feel--

I feel the same way. All the time. I feel the same as you do. Every waking moment of my life, I feel-- terrible. There's never any relief? There never is. Every drop of my blood, every ache of my bones, every beat of my heart, all of it tears me apart. It just hurts? It's always hurting. I'm always hurting. I don't know how to make it stop.

[ He curls up against Peter's side, breathing in his smell. It's familiar, already. Like home, even though there was never anything like Peter in Ylisse. ]

I've just - been trying to surround myself in the things that make it ease, a little. And that's what you need to do. There's nothing else that'll help you get through the day, when - when anything that might fix you for good is gone. Like Jean. Poe, for me. [ he swallows. ] Even back home - everything that has ever mattered to me has crumbled and turned to dust in my hands. Because-- because those things were already dying, when I found them, or - or they weren't, but I held onto them too tightly, and I ruined them. Everything I love would rather go than be with me.

[ Except for you. He breathes out. ]

Sorry. I know that's not good advice. It's just - this is all we've got. Distractions. All we have are distractions and the hope that maybe one day - somehow - all of this will fade.

[quickfingers]

[Peter hears Odin speak and each word sort of settles in with this fucked up kinship in the moment - it's not selfish when they're both drowning in the same pit of strangled feelings and aching hearts. He cinches his grip on Odin tighter, since they know words only help so much.

He meets his gaze and for a moment doesn't move, barely breathes, and just stares in to his eyes. If he were drunker, if they weren't friends, maybe a terrible decision would've been made in the here and now on the topic of distraction but it's not. He looks away, but takes a deep breath and rests his chin against the nook of Odin's neck and exhales slowly.]

One day it has to get better. I don't think it can feel worse than this... do you?