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[Part of him wants to interject, but - he can hear the way Owain is putting it aside, for now. And he doesn't want to keep digging that hole deeper. So. He just answers the last part.]

You remember when I said that there were some things I don't get to say shit about?

I don't get to say shit about you dating literally anyone.

I mean unless they are a complete prick in which case I will punch them, but.

Look. I'll be cool. Long as you're alright with it and you're doing it for you I'm not going to - fuck that up for you.

[ it makes sense as an answer, but. spoilers! owain hates it. ]

I think it's kind of a shitty move for you to always just--

[ it fizzles and dies, the energy in his voice. he takes a moment to collect himself and try again. ]

Just-- you keep saying you don't get to say anything, and it kind of sucks? You're putting these limitations on yourself that I don't feel need to be there. I get that you think staying reserved is in my best interests, but being kept in the dark on how you feel doesn't do anything except make me-- second guess. Everything. It doesn't help me. It's never helped me.

[ but he knows that words and poe go together like oil and water, and telling him he prefers poe opening up to him even if it breaks his heart doesn't really seem like it would help after everything they've been through. ]

[Poe sighs, heavily, and he rubs his eyes, pressing hard enough against his eyelids to make stars burst into his vision.]

It's not just for your best interests, Owain, it's not exactly like I - Look. I'm not trying to... keep you in the dark.

It just isn't fair of me to be some sort of gate keeper for - that. For you.

I don't know. Whatever. I have mixed feelings on the subject. But I haven't decided to set fire to any of them, yet, so that's a win, right?

[What are words, tho.]

[ he'll be able to get it a little easier once he's had some time away, and he can examine this and attribute more of poe's resistance to the fact that he's doing this for his own sake as much as owain's. and, you know - for the sake of who he's with. for now, though, owain just bristles a little, trying to connect the dots but not fully being able to. he presses on. ]

I don't... want you to be a gate keeper. I mean-- I mean, yeah, okay, there's a part of me that's still just waiting for you to be like, "no, dude, keep waiting for me forever, it's all gonna work out between us soon", or... something, but.

[ bleh. he breathes out. something stirs in him and he figures he should reference it, in some way. ]

Everyone's mad at me for doing that. I've been fucking-- hounding you. Chasing you away. And I've-- I mean-- there's the start of something, for me? For someone. And it's not-- it's not going to go anywhere, they're not even competing on the show, but it's.

[ he swallows. ]

It's nice to have this fleeting interest in someone. I don't know if I should, like - embrace the fact that I can feel like that for a person, even after everything, or if - or if it's too cruel? Because, like. You're still-- you. To me. What if in a week you're like, "actually, I love you after all" and then I'm-- just.

It's hard.

[His eyes are actually starting to hurt with how hard he's pressing down - so he let's his hand fall to his side.]

You know that would be a stupidly shitty thing for me to do, right? To you? I wouldn't do that.

[Even if literally everything changed, he couldn't do that.

But the 'start of something' mentioned did taste kind of sour, even though he swallowed it down.]

... It's not cruel to feel things. Just don't... [Do what I did. He sighs.] Don't keep me like a chain. Yeah?

Wait--

[ He catches on that first thing, and despite all the nerves of new feelings and the flirtatious dances he's had with the thought of just trying to move on, and he struggles with how he's taking it. That's-- ]

You mean-- like--

If he was gone, you still wouldn't wanna be with me?

[He doesn't swear, at least, manages to bite his tongue. But he's swearing a blue streak in his head. This? This is exactly what he should not be talking about.

Knew that the best thing - the kindest thing - would be to shut everything down, this very second. Not leave even a hint of that door open. Lie.

But Poe's never been good at lying, even when it was for the best.]

That is not what I said. But you go ahead and tell me exactly how fair that would be. To anyone. To you. For one port out to happen and for me to turn around and be like 'well I guess I'll just--'

Fuck.

[He let out a hard breath.]

I literally just - one of my best friends here has disappeared and he hasn't come back, and I'm not - I just came back myself, Owain. People don't--

It's not the same, here, is it. The Porter doesn't listen to shit, from any of us, and it doesn't care what we care about, and how fucking fair of me would it be to just--

[Ugh, fuck? When did his face start leaking. He angrily scrubbed the tears that were gathering in his eyes. When he spoke again his voice was thick.]

Don't ask me that.

[ he takes go ahead and tell me as a challenge and straightens his shoulders, ready to meet it. it would so easy - you can't use the porter as an excuse when you're already dating someone, poe - but in the end, he just listens. doesn't speak, even though having a conversation like this with poe has been all he's wanted for months.

the urge to say something kind of aggressive fades, and he just. stays there. quiet, for a moment. ]

It's not about fairness. Things don't have to be fair or easy for you to want them. You know that better than anyone, man.

I just-- I guess I just thought, hey, this doesn't have to be over? Not if there's a chance that you might have me, if things were different. I didn't realize that that's not... I guess I thought maybe you felt the same? On some level? But that's not-- you're right, that isn't fair. I'm not being fair. Again.

[ he runs his hand down his face. he's tired. ]

It's not like-- I mean, it doesn't matter. Let's just focus on now, yeah? You're with someone you love. I've got a chance of my own - there's someone I'm starting to care about, and even though I know it won't go anywhere, I'm gonna let myself just be happy that I can feel something like this without it hurting all the time. We're just-- you said it yourself, yeah? We're friends. We'll always be friends.

[ he pauses. ]

But--

I didn't know you'd lost someone. You should've told me sooner.

Edited 2018-02-12 03:47 (UTC)

[He sighs.

He already said too much and he's tired and he can't think of any fucking thing to say that won't make it worse. But if today taught him anything, it's that not saying anything is just as bad. So he just sighs.]

Yeah.

Focus on the now.

[It wasn't a hell of a lot, but at least it was an acknowledgement.]

... Yeah. Cassian's gone. Didn't really seem like there was a point in mentioning it. It's just- how things are, here.

[ he's a hypocrite, for wanting to drag this out after saying to put it aside. to have poe say "actually, hey, no, forget about the now, let's talk about how i'm gonna dump my boy and be with you forever and ever", as he always is.

whatever.

he groans when he hears cassian's name. he didn't know the guy, not really, but he knew of him well enough. he wants to argue with poe's it's just how things are but it'll loop back to relationship drama and that's not what either of them need right now. ]

You want me to put filming on hold for a few days and come see you?

No.

I'm fine, Owain. Not like I haven't lost people before.

[There's a pause, then a sigh.]

... Though I should probably come out, tell Bodhi and Kay. If you think that'd be alright.

You don't have to ask, man.

[ he breathes out, long. he knows better than anyone that losing people is never so easily dulled, but he doesn't address it. they're both soldiers. it can go unspoken and still be there. ]

You wanna stay for a couple of days? You can take my room - I'll sleep in one of the dog's trailers.

I am not taking your room during your dating show, Owain. What if one of those dicks decides to try and come woo you in the night and I'm there instead?

It's fine. You've got camera crew there, right? I'll bunk with them.

[ he laughs at "one of those dicks", tries not to let it warm him. fails, and so notably. the only reason this doesn't jump straight into hopeless, inappropriate flirting is because poe's going through something and it still has his focus. ]

It's the only place on the island without a camera... but if you don't mind getting footage of yourself snoring plastered all over native TV again, stay wherever you want.

[ silence, for a moment. ]

I'm really sorry. You of all people don't deserve loss.

Even your camera crew? Man. Poor guys. But it's fine. Pretty sure I might cause a national disturbance if I slept in your room. I still get hate mail. [He also got a lot of people sending him pictures of their genitalia, or drawings of him and Odin except one of them usually has two dicks. Fans are fucked up.]

[He lets out a breath.]

... Really not about what I deserve or not.

He deserved peace here a hell of a lot more than I do.

[ he doesn't comment, but the guilt is pretty god damn tangible in his voice. fuck. he gets hate mail? fuck. ]

Yup. They have a little web series. We hate Debra. Fast forward any scene with her in it.

[ still dwelling on the hate mail. he moves on. ]

I can feel bad for both of you. [ it's quiet. ] Being ported away affects everyone. You've gotta be able to embrace the hurt without feeling guilty. Even if it's just with me.

If I embraced the hurt every time someone died or got ported out that would be the only thing I'd ever think about.

Mostly I'm just worried about Kay and Bodhi.

It's-- just. Dealing with things when they happen-- it's about processing it so you don't blow up all at once. Later. So I just...

Nevermind. What the fuck do I know about moving on?

[ he scrubs at his eyes. ]

Goes without saying, but they can leave the island at any time, if you wanna take them home. If they wanna go, I mean. Eli too, maybe? [ he doesn't know what his and cassian's relationship was like, or if they even had one, but he seems pretty close to bodhi, so. stands to reason. ]

Nah. They look like they're having a good time. I don't want to ruin the party, but... probably should give them a heads up anyway. Kay likely already knows, because of the trackers, but still.

[He frowns to himself.]

I don't really know if Eli and Cass were friends.

... Shit, I should know that...

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