shadowglitter | PSL || poe/odin

Who says I didn't?

[The tone is teasing and fond, but he doesn't really look at the television. He tried not to think about it, for the most part, though sometimes it was impossible to avoid.

Like the look that Odin tried so hard to pretend didn't come to his face every time Poe left in the morning.

His visits were getting more and more frequent, and it was getting harder and harder to stay away. He didn't talk about it, and he didn't think about it, and if he could avoid it he wouldn't even feel it: the way his heart was slowly being peeled back, every day, the armour stripped and the defenses shedding. When he wasn't with Odin he couldn't stop thinking about him.

It had been months, since he had even though about sleeping with anyone else. He had tried, once, and it had felt hollow and empty and pointless.

But with Odin- felt like the opposite of pointless. It was almost as if he knew there was an answer there that he needed - something deep inside him that needed so badly to be addressed. But he couldn't.

So instead, masochistically, he came here almost every night. Pretended that he could ignore how his feelings were starting up on hyperdrive, quickly speeding out of his control.

He was slowly giving up on fighting it.

He climbed unto the bed while Odin grabbed drinks.]

Maybe it just didn't seem all that different from my normal brand of space crazy

Edited 2017-12-07 06:16 (UTC)

Really? Hahaha.

[ Months ago he would have made a joke like life must be pretty wild for you back home if Peter and I are "normal", but he can't even do that anymore. He can barely think about Poe sleeping fifty feet away from him in the house next door, let alone... what he'll do if he wakes up one morning and Poe's not here anymore. Gone, like so many others in Odin's life.

He turns the TV over onto something innocuous, too, some rerun of a movie he's already seen, out of the underlying fear that the next segment will push the Poe and Odin heartbreak story the producers capitalized on so readily. They've never talked about that, either, really. It's hard, for Odin, to keep quiet on so many things - for such a long, long time, he felt that talking was the only way to keep people from leaving him, and having to stay silent to keep a hold of Poe makes him panic, constantly, that one day the pilot will realize Odin's not worth the hookups or the attention.

After grabbing a couple of bottles and handing one to Poe, he flops onto the bed and kicks his feet up. He takes a mouthful of beer and looks over at Poe, fond but - guarded. Always guarded. Always, always guarded, so he won't ever say the wrong thing and chase him away. ]

Soooo... hey. Wanna make out?

[ There's a teasing tone in his voice, like this is light and unimportant even though his heart is pounding in his chest and he just desperately, desperately wants that contact from Poe that recharges him, keeps him going. He's long since stopped kissing Poe like they're two horny teenagers getting down for the first time - it's always softer, these days, more measured. The only time he kisses Poe with that same wild passion he used to have is when they've been fucking for hours and he's about to come, and it's always peppered with quiet, desperate words just bordering on love but never quite taking that jump. ]

[He can see it, sometimes. The defensive structures behind Odin's eyes. They make him almost unbearably sad, but he's the one who put them there.

He's also the one that dismantles them, too. That pulls the guarded expression aside as Odin loses himself in the moment and lets himself enjoy what is there. And there - is a lot there. Far more than Poe was willing to think about, but that still overflowed from him, hours into Odin fucking him until his whole body was nothing but pins and needles and shaking.

He smiled, softly, then shifted - taking a swig of the bottle and gazing at Odin in a way that was far from platonic, shimmering at the edges of his eyes.]

Yeah... [He slid an arm around Odin, pulling him closer, straining for his lips before taking a low, slow kiss. There was nothing hasty in it. But God, did he long for this. Even the slow, methodical feeling self a warm shiver all the way down his side.]

... Yeah, I always do

[ Ah, and there it is - Poe's hurting him again. Odin's so, so sure that he's imagining that look in his eyes, because Poe already fucking told him, hammered it in, made it crystal god damn clear that those eyes are made for looking at someone else. The way he says "I always do" makes Odin so happy he wants to cry, and he's probably gonna jerk off to it later, when he's trying to punish himself for his feelings for Poe. Gonna stroke his cock hard and fast, thinking of Poe's voice in his ear while telling himself he's never really gonna be loved like that, while Poe would be - right at that very moment - fucking someone else.

But they've been doing this for months. He's gotten very, very good at compartmentalizing the things Poe says and does to ruin him. He just grins into the kiss and raises his hand to brush over Poe's cheekbone, closing his eyes, willing away all that fear and doubt and uncertainty and letting himself have this. The only thing in his life that makes him happy anymore. He breathes a sigh of relief, like Poe is easing all his aches. Fixing him just by being here.

Odin keeps that kiss going for a long, long time, not saying anything, barely even progressing things. It's just slow and soft and tender and lingering while the TV spouts bullshit in the background and Nonah carries on without them. A good five, maybe ten minutes have passed before Odin's hand starts to slide down Poe's neck and under his shirt, his palm resting on the bare skin of his chest, doing nothing more. ]

[Poe isn't rushing.

He also isn't really thinking, his mind turned to a hazy mush, sinking himself as deep into Odin's kiss as he could. He shouldn't get as much out of it as he did. Kissing only really had been a means to an end for him, before, but he could happily just lose himself in Odin's lips and the gentle touch of his finger tips.

His heart flutters when Odin's fingers graze his skin, and he shifts to give him better access, if he wants it. The heavy chain below his shirt shifts when he does so, clinking gently against Odin's fingertips even though Poe doesn't notice.]

[ The starts of their nights together are always like this - the excitement and nerves of what's to come making Odin's heart dance, anticipation killing him from the inside out. He'd stay like this for hours, if he could, if only he had the willpower.

He notices the chain brush over his hand, but he doesn't think much of it. He wonders, hazily, if Poe got his dog tags - as a concept, they didn't exist in his world, but he knows the military have tokens for their soldiers and a surge of pride rushes through him at the thought Poe might have his own. He forgets the feel of it, soon enough, lost in the kiss, but it doesn't take much longer before he's pulling at Poe's shirt, tugging it up and over his head. And then -

For a moment, he's drowning in ice water, seeing Poe through the cold. His eye catches the ring, and his body reacts faster than his thoughts do, a hole shot through somewhere behind his ribs before he can put words to what he's seeing. There are no thoughts of his own mother's ring, as perhaps there should have been. Just this-- overwhelming fear, this growing sense of loss, as he panics and holds his breath and stares and thinks finally, finally, everything he had hoped to happen with Poe one day has finally fucking gone for good.

He still just wants somebody else. After all this time, all this fucking time, he still just wants somebody else. ]

Poe?

[It is an extremely disconcerting thing, to go from such languid, gentle touch, to suddenly being stared at as if he had pulled a knife out. His own hands had been going for Odin's clothes, but they stopped and nervously pulled back as his lips creased into a frown, his brows furrowing as he searched Odin's face.]

Yeah? Everything okay? [And he looked down, pressing hands to his stomach, but he didn't seem to be wounded--]

[ He watches Poe's hands retreat, and he feels like that-- like that means something, of course Poe's pulling back, of course he is, he's fucking engaged, this is-- ]

Th...

[ He can't even find the words for it, scared as he is. He looks at the ring around Poe's neck and he sinks back onto his knees, stunned into silence. Poe wears the ring around his neck instead of on his hand because it's closer to his heart - something stupid and romantic and wonderful like that - and - fuck. He can't. He can't, he can't, he can't lose Poe any more than hes already lost him. ]

The... ring. Congratulations. On... yeah.

What?

[It hadn't really been a conscious decision to wear it, so much as a lack of a decision not to wear it. He looked down, though the angle made it hard to see, and raised a hand to his throat.

Oh. Oh.

He looked up again and gives Owain a sheepish smile.]

Yeah that's not.... It. At all.

It was my mom's, Owain. I've had it for years. I'm not -- its not what you're thinking--

... Oh. Oh. Oh! H-Haha. Haha, oh my god. Okay.

[ Owain laughs, clear as a bell, until it dies in his throat as his cheeks start to redden. Fuck, how obvious was the relief that just crashed through him like a wave? Fuck, fuck, there's a balance here - they don't talk about things, they don't share how they feel, the last thing he can do is act like - like a shitty, shitty friend who values his own feelings rather than Poe being engaged -

But the realization of what this means hits him, suddenly, and Owain's grinning ear to ear. God, he's so fucking happy he could cry. He's so, so glad he was wrong. ]

I-I have mine. I have my mom's. I have-- I have it too. Her ring. Her ring! I brought it with me, when I-- when I had to find her again. It was proof that I was her son, and I've been keeping it for-- for-- for ages. So I could-- it doesn't matter. I had no idea you-- I had no idea.

[ Rambling. He's excited. ]

You do?

[He looks a little surprised, at that, and his skin is darkening slowly by degrees, because he hadn't been thinking about that, before. Hadn't realised Odin had never actually seen it. Because of course he hadn't. Poe had always taken it off, to come here--]

I-- yeah. She left it to me. My dad couldn't bear it. I didn't realise that you-

Can I see it?

Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Hold on.

[ God, he's so fucking relieved. He bounces off the bed and pulls out a wooden lockbox from underneath it. There's a number lock mechanism, still made of wood, that he has to click and turn into place, and he doesn't bother hiding the password from Poe as he cracks it, 'cause he trusts him. 0306, his mom's birthday. He used to just wear her ring, when he was just Owain, hidden under his glove while he fought, but as Odin he's kept it hidden, always close by but never in sight, a habit he's yet to break out of even now as Poe pulls him further and further back into embracing so much of his old identity.

There's a tiny mahogany box padded with red velvet inside, amongst other fragments of keepsakes from home he had on him when he was ported, and it's something he built himself. He takes it out, opens it up, and there it is - Lissa's ring, a golden signet ring engraved with the words I swear to be with you and protect you for the rest of your days along the inside, the words his father said to her when he proposed.

He looks at it, fond and distant, before he snaps out of his reverie and gingerly hands it over to Poe. ]

Um - be careful with it.

Yeah, of course. [He takes it carefully, letting the weight of it sit in his palm, and doesn't really notice the way his own lips have turned into a wistful, fond smile.

It's smaller than his mom's, and he can't help but reach for the chain at his throat, undoing the clasp with one hand and pulling it out to compare them. His mom's has no engraving - it's solid and thick and was made in the middle of the war. Function. He rolls them both over in his hand so they gently clink against each other.]

...

It's pretty weird that I met you, Odin. [His voice is very quiet, and he still has that kind of wistful look on his face, before he finally managed to pry his eyes away and hold his hand out to Odin - both rings resting in it.]

Mom's isn't anything fancy, but.

[ Odin watches Poe, still quietly fond, as he examines his mom's ring. The smile that creeps up on his face doesn't vanish like it should.

This looks right, a part of him thinks. Poe with Lissa's ring. ]

Weird good or weird bad? [ He says it with a grin, like he's telling some kind of stupid joke that he and Poe are both in on, but there's weight behind that question. He feels like he's pushing against that boundary they've set up between them that keeps things light and platonic, by asking it, so he forges through it without waiting for an answer, taking the rings. He holds his breath like one wrong move might break the spell holding them together. ]

My mother was nobility. My father wasn't. He didn't have the money to buy her something laced with stones or dripping in diamonds, and they fell in love during the war against this prick we called The Mad King. It was hard, I think, for him to find a wedding ring he thought she deserved, after everything she did for him when they were ending up together.

But he wanted to get her the very best thing he could. So. [ He's quiet for a little too long, staring down at that ring, thoughts of his dad in his head. ] He spent all the money he had on this. He gave her his words and she wore them close to her skin. So much of my parents relationship was based around... protecting one another from the hurt in the world.

[ And that's all I want to do for the man I love, one day, he almost says. ]

Edited 2017-12-09 13:04 (UTC)

They sound a lot like my parents. [There's a very real fondness in his voice, and it's only half for his parent's memory. The other half is clearly for Odin.]

Well. Sort of. They weren't often allowed to fight together. But it still sounds similar.

[And he just kind of smiles, before murmuring lowly, far after the question had been asked and seemingly forgotten:]

... weird good.

Pretty sure it's weird good.

Why weren't they allowed to fight together? Or - sorry. You don't have to answer that? If you don't want to. Just... I'd like to hear more about them. Or something.

[ Odin catches the fondness, but he doesn't mention it. Just locks the memory away in the velvet box where he keeps Lissa's ring and the rest of the things that make him feel safe and loved and home.

He looks up, though, when Poe drops that last line, and he looks-- stunned, genuinely, like the pilot said something with far more impact than just the words weird good. It takes him a minute for him to gather his thoughts, scrambled as they are by just-- the sentimentality of the moment, and he ends up laughing nervously and playing with the rings in his hand. ]

It's weird good for me, too. I think about it a lot. I'm really, really, really really really lucky to know you. Sometimes when I'm in bed, I think-- I've traveled across time and space, navigated through the stars of countless worlds and galaxies, just to end up here with you. It's... I don't think I'll ever find a relationship that means more.

[ He-- wait. ]

I mean-- generally speaking. You and everyone else. I mean. You and everyone else. Are important to me. All the imports. Is what I meant. You're all special? I came to meet all of you. We all came to meet... each other.

[ he, uh. hands the rings back. there you go. buddy. platonic buddy. ]

She was a pilot, and he was ground infantry. They only fought together if she was pulled to fly his transport. But spent- a lot of time apart, not sure if either of them would love to see each other again.

[He takes the ring back, but as Odin talks, his eyes slide away, gazing down into his palm as he rolled the ring around upon it. The colour was also starting to rise in his face.]

...

[It shouldn't make him so damn, hearing that, but he can't help the warm glow that spreads through his chest despite himself.]

What do you think your parents would have done, if they ended up here?

[ Odin's happy for the question, as well as for the description of Poe's family - it serves as a good distraction, if nothing else. But he feels like - he feels like he's home, right now, and he can't tell if it's because he's talking about his parents or if it's because he's talking to Poe. ]

Dad...

Dad had-- a lot of issues, that he never really got help for. I don't think he would deal well with being a hero, admired by so many people. He's strong, and he's fiercely protective, but only of those he loves, you know? He'd probably want to go and live in the forest and just survive off of nature, but mom would want to live in the city to surround herself in all the light and the colour and he'd let her drag him along. They'd probably never leave me alone... if I were here, and if they knew who I was.

[ he trails off. they were owain's parents, after all, not odin's. ]

But - I think in the end, mom would want to be a hero and dad would go along with it to keep her safe. They'd probably get really famous as an amazing crimefighting duo that saved countless people by the end of their careers.

What about yours?

[He chuckles at the description, and he can see it. He remembers Lissa, still, and the description of her partner... It just fits, somehow, with the man that Odin is. He's managed to keep his face from colouring too obviously, and looks over at Odin when he asks the question. (The blush might be gone but the incredible fondness is anything but invisible.)]

Honestly? I don't know.

[He turns the ring over again and then raises it to his throat, clasping the chain back around it and letting the ring fall to hit his chest. It's never felt so right, wearing it, than it has in this moment.]

Dad would want to find a house, somewhere outside the cities. Probably in Florida, if they didn't let him go all the way to Guatemala. He would want to take their life from where they left it.

[A sad sort of wistfulness slipped into his smile, but he shifted over so he could lean on Odin while he spoke.]

My mom... I don't know. It's weird to admit, but-- I mean, I never got to know her as an actual person. She retired and I know she wanted to retire, but - I don't know how much of her wanted back in the flight, how much she regretted it. Maybe she didn't at all.

I only knew her as my mom. I didn't get to meet her as anyone else.

I think - whether she regretted it or not, she would be able to find a balance to her life, if she came here. There's opportunity here that there wasn't back home - finding peace and doing something good both go hand in hand... so. Yeah.

[ he shrugs. ]

I saw two sides of my family. The first was - growing up with them, when the war started. My mom was famous for inspiring hope in people - she would light up a room no matter how dark it was, she would bring people back from the brink of death like it was nothing, and she... she was perfect, as a healer and as royalty. People flocked to her. And my dad - he was silent and brave. Lead men and women into battle and still somehow did the most damage while doing everything he could to keep his soldiers safe. They were both heroes. To everyone.

[ He crawls back onto the bed and lays down on his back, tugging on Poe's shirt so he'll lay down next to him. ]

And then - time travel. I met them when they were younger, after they had just gotten married. It was funny, but they kind of hated each other? They were petty and argumentative and sniped with each other all the time, and I never saw that growing up. I loved it. I want to be in a relationship with someone one day where I can just-- have them tease me and goad me into fights and make fun of me for something stupid and it just makes me want to kiss them. I don't know... that sounds stupid. I think.

[ he rubs his chest where his heart keeps fluttering. ]

Do you think - you would live with them? If you were here when your parents showed up.

[He flops down next to Odin like its the most natural thing in the world - probably because it is. And he can feel the shift, somewhere in his chest. It had gradually been happening anyway, but this is the first time he hasn't been able to explain it away. A balance has changed and he can't really bring himself to mind. Even if he doesn't say anything aloud about it. Maybe later.]

I don't think it sounds stupid.

[His voice is just a murmur when he says it, twisting so he could rest just head on Odin's chest.]

No, I don't think so. They deserve time just with each other.

Between me and the war- they never really had that. I wouldn't want to be too far, but-- yeah.

What about you?

[ Odin wills his heart to slow down, but it doesn't - with Poe's head on his chest, there's no way he wouldn't be able to hear the pounding against his ribcage or the way it skips a beat every time Poe looks at him. So. He makes a point to stare out the window, to try to limit the damage, and again, refuses to talk about it. ]

Mm. I don't know. I want to live on my own, or with whoever I end up giving this ring to. I didn't have that kind of freedom, before America. It was just palaces and tents. But - my mom's pretty clingy. She'd probably break me in half if I said I didn't want to live with her. It probably wouldn't be my choice, in the end.

[ His heart beats faster when he looks down at Poe, briefly, and he goes back to that window. ]

My dad, too. He... he tried to save someone, once, and she died. He blamed himself for it, and he became - really, really terrified of certain things. Trauma. He was distant with me, when I was growing up, but only in bursts - and I found out, when I was older, that he was like that because he was scared of me? Even when I was just a baby. Like, "what if I get him killed, too", that kind of thing. But my mom told me he always ached whenever I wasn't around, even though he struggled with it, sometimes.

I don't know. I'm lucky. I was really important to them.

[He didn't reply right away, just picturing what Odin was describing.]

... Maybe I'll get a chance to meet them.

[Just a low, murmured, thought.]

Though I think your mom might break me over her knee, first.

I'd love that? I'd love that. I'd genuinely love that more than I can put into words. You meeting them.

[ He plays with Lissa's ring a little more, catching the light on it. He hesitates before replying to that last comment. ]

She only does that to people who deserve it. She's more likely to hug you until you can't breathe.

I don't know, I would probably deserve it.

[Something lumped in his throat, causing his heart to stall, but-- a switch had been flipped and it was impossible to ignore it.]

I haven't exactly-- been great to you, Owain.

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