shadowglitter | PSL || poe/odin

The summons from Holdo came obnoxiously early, a mere few hours after they'd fallen asleep after the ball, and Owain complained like a petulant little kid the whole time they got dressed in the dark. Mumbling things about how he never liked her, about how the military is the worst, about how he's tired and his ass hurts and he can barely stand straight after how hard Poe fucked him and how the fuck did she expect him to just stand there rail-steady behind Poe and act as if he totally didn't get his shit wrecked last night? She's so short-sighted and terrible.

It would be kind of obnoxious, if it wasn't such a huge, huge change from how he acted after Kes. The Owain that pulled back from Poe is dead and gone, at least until he has reason to resurrect again.

They head to Holdo's office and he does a better job at responding to her through sharp, direct answers, primarily because he's too tired to trip over his words - though he stumbles at her quick and obligatory comment about his birthday, which he had forgotten was today. July 15th. She compliments Poe on his behaviour at the ball and assigns him the mission he's been itching for, something he'll pack up and ship out on in a couple of days, and Owain bites back his excitement to see Poe in action, because he knows it's not his place.

He's too awake after the meeting to go back to bed, and given that it's his birthday, Poe offers to take him to the capital and wrap up anything he might want to do before they leave. He's completely fucking overwhelmed by the possibilities - he kind of wants to see a show, but he doesn't even know if they have shows here - and by the time the sun is coming up, Owain's just taking Poe to a grassy hill that overlooks most of the Palace so they can lay down and plan things out.

It's secluded enough that he doesn't feel embarrassed about walking in front of Poe, or about finding his hand and holding it without being invited to.

"Eighteen," he says, back to the grass, leaves rustling from the tree overhead. He pulls Poe's injured hand to his lips and kisses the back of it, on freshly changed bandages. "Old enough to serve. You going to be okay with me fighting at your back? You've never even seen me swing a sword."

Poe spends the entire early morning smirking to himself as he listens to Owain - mostly silent for his own part - a very warm feeling glowing in his chest while he listens to Owain rant. He, on the other hand, looks like he may as well have gotten a full night's sleep - he's awake and attentive and far less fighty than he was the last time they saw Holdo. Which means she eyes him a bit suspiciously, but ends up giving him their orders and letting them go.

He'd forgotten about Owain's birthday, and manages somehow to not go red as a lobster when it's brought up. Thankfully. Even though it does make something dark twist in the pit of his stomach.

He manages to push the feeling away, for the most part - tries to make it up, in some small way, by offering Owain anything he wants, for the day, and follows him to the park, happy to let the man - and he was a man now, he thinks, queasily, where up until now he'd really only been a boy - do as he wished.

"I don't doubt your ability with one," He says, trying to ignore the 'old enough to serve' and only half managing it. "We'll have time for a little training once we're out there - they won't put us on the front line right away anyway. Gotta reintegrate with the unit."

He watched the leaves above him.

Fuck, but he was not going to be able to just let it lie.

"... I owe you an apology."

He'd forgotten about the rest of the unit, somehow - he'd been imagining himself and Poe back to back, swords in hands, cutting down enemy soldiers and protecting one another from the storm. He feels something twist uncomfortably in his gut and he goes quiet, watching the clouds drift by overhead. It's strange, how much this feels like home. For some reason he imagined it would smell different out here, or something, but the fresh air fills his lungs just as readily as it did in the garden of the House.

He can feel his emotions squirming and turning in on themselves, anxiety starting to build, and he looks to Poe, about to ask for reassurance that nobody in the unit is gonna fuck with him because he's a Pledge, but Poe interrupts him before he gets a chance to open his mouth. He starts, more confused than anything, and he pushes himself up on his hands, wincing when it tugs at the half-healed scab of his own injury.

"What?"

He's frowning, and-- again, this is an improvement, because he just looks stumped rather than scared. He doesn't panic and start wondering what he's done wrong, to make Poe feel like he needs to do this - he's just worried.

"What for?" He looks out over the spires of the buildings up ahead, then turns back. "You've-- been great. To me. You haven't done anything wrong?"

Poe sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his hand before he sat up, turning slightly to look down at Owain.

"Yeah, that's - not entirely true. Look. It's your birthday. Your eighteenth birthday, Owain." He let that sit for a second, his brows furrowed.

His lips parted - closed - parted again - closed, and then he put his face into his hand and groaned.

"... Look, I just - probably- should have waited even two damned days--"

He--

Doesn't get it. Straight up. Just doesn't get it. Can't even connect the waiting thing to sex, given how this bullshit fucking society works. He just kind of scratches at his cheek and smiles at an angle while he tries to figure out what... this... means. Words? Words. Those are words. Two days? Two days.

Owain takes a stab in the dark.

"Is this about... like, the vow? Like-- do you feel guilty about pledging yourself to me so early? Because-- because, like. There's no real... legality to that? It's just us, so you don't have to-- like-- but-- fuck."

His eyes widen, fear-ridden.

"I don't want you... to take any of that back. If that's what this is."

"No, that's not --" He looks at Owain, one eye and one half of his face still covered with his hand, eyebrows raised helplessly.

"That's... No. I'm not taking that back, Owain. That's not what I'm talking about. That was my decision, and my choice. No, that's not--"

He sighed, lowering his hand.

"Look, this is - what we're doing - I think we can both pretty safely agree that we're kind of... treading new ground, here, yeah? Especially- especially you. And there's - I know they don't apply it to Pledges, but you're not a pledge, at least not to me, so I should have abided by it anyway. What - it was technically - it's illegal, Owain. For me to have -- done-- a lot of what we-- Fuck, look, just, take my apology, alright? And maybe don't - tell anyone - that we were-- together-- before today."

He still just frowns, all the way through this, until right at the end when it clicks. He laughs, maybe harder than he should be with how sincere Poe is trying to be, but he can't help it. He leans back on his elbows, looking at Poe with a gentle warmth. This guy's so great.

"You know I would have--" nope. Nah. Cuts himself off. Poe doesn't need to hear how willing he would have been, even if he'd come home earlier. Pretty fucked up! Pretty fucked up. He tries again.

"I get it. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Who would I tell, anyway? Holdo? Kes?" He hesitates. "Kes probably figured it out, actually. God. Sorry."

He drags his hand down his face, still grinning beneath it, looking up at Poe from the grass. The grin fades, though, as the gravity of what he's apologizing for starts to sink in. Another basic human right that had been torn from him so early he didn't realize how wrong it was until Poe pointed it out. He drops his voice.

"It's not like anyone would care, if they knew." He sighs hard through his nose. "People don't... care about Pledges. I know that's not-- what I am. Not to you. But in the eyes of everyone else..."

He paled a little, at the mention of Kes - probably the last person he wanted knowing about that - but he didn't say anything about it. There wasn't anything to be done.

"That's sort of the opposite of the point," Poe said, the embarrassment fading. He didn't know what 'you know I would have' was going to end with, but he could take a guess. "Or that's the entire point."

A breath. Fucking focus, Dameron. Words aren't that hard. "It doesn't matter what other people think. Not really. I just - words and actions not really lining up, there. Even if I'm the only one to hold myself to that standard - I'm going to hold it."

Owain listens, starting to be weighed down by guilt. He feels like he pushed things too far, took too much initiative, relied on physical intimacy when he shouldn't have. He swallows down and nods a few times, trying to figure out how to react.

But the truth is, he's not sure if he cares about... any of this. Maybe that's not a good thing. Maybe that's another sign of his conditioning. He plucks a blade of grass from the earth and fidgets with it in his fingers. Verdant green, like the rest of the jungle around them. He shreds it, anxious.

"Do you, uh..."

He plucks another blade of grass.

"Do you regret it, then? Being-- with me. Like that. Was I not, like-- to your... standards? Or..."

He looked away, rubbing a hand over his mouth, but the shade of red he was turning answered for him before he managed to.

"No that's no -- No. I mean, yes, you are - Do I actually have to spell it out, after last night?" He looked back at Owain, a little amused but mostly embarrassed. "I don't regret it. Just. Maybe. Could have had some self restraint for literally two days."

Fuck.

He really should be taking this seriously. Poe's coming to him with something real, something important, but all that red. It makes Owain grin, teasing and somewhat devilish, as he tries helplessly to bite back a grin.

"So..."

Owain drags the word out, giving Poe a very clear once over. Straight up staring at his dick, biting his lip, then looking back to his eyes.

"Just to be clear - and we'll loop back to this, I promise - you enjoyed last night, then?"

Poe snorted, the look at his dick enough to break him out of it, his eyes rolling as he looked away.

"No, I hated it. Spent the whole time thinking about Opera." The sarcasm was thick. But he only let it hang for about a second and a half before he reached out, putting his fingers into Owain's hair and rubbing it, roughly.

"Yeah, I enjoyed last night. If literally everything about it didn't already give that away."

Owain chuckles - sort of. It's more like a proud eheh that rolls out of him too easily, and he flops down to rest his head on Poe's lap, plucking out a fistful of grass and throwing it up in the air like confetti that immediately makes him splutter when it lands on his face. Fuck. Stupid.

He scrubs his nose with the back of his hand and then just looks up at Poe, and the smile is still in his eyes, even as the one he's wearing fades.

"Listen..."

He reaches up, pats a reassuring hand on Poe's chest, then flops it back down.

"I don't want you to feel guilty about the things we've done. You're not responsible for my choices." He shrugs, like it's an easy answer, even though there are so many layers to this argument he couldn't possibly understand. "Just - I don't know. I'm happy with where we are. With what we're doing. It belongs to us? Nobody else."

He can't help but snort when the grass falls back on Owain's face, and he helpfully brushes some of it off for him.

Poe wet his lips, watching him, stroking a few rebellions strands of hair from Owain's brow. He was pretty sure that wasn't the point. Legally, Owain couldn't have made that choice. Pledge or not. (Pledges didn't make any choices at all.)

He wishes it were that easy, but... Fuck, it's hard not to feel like it is that easy, with Owain gazing up at him from his lap. The butterflies in his chest are growing ever more brazen and he swears he can feel them tickling his throat, his heart skipping a beat. Damn. Damn, damn, damn--

"Yeah." He let a breath out with the word, smiling a little helplessly down at him. "... Yeah, I just... Would rather make up for the failings of the world than fall to them. You know?"

Owain flashes a thumbs up. Thanks, grass-buddy.

He's quiet as he listens, soothed by the fingers in his hair. He just... watches Poe, smiling softly, thinking he should put thought into whatever it is he should say or do. Instead, he just speaks without filter, unconsciously trying to reassure.

"I think-- it was inevitable. What happened."

Because I think I've fallen in love with you. He swallows that down, at least.

"You pledged your life to me. I've pledged mine to yours. I've given you every part of me. You've given me every part of you. It's... I don't know. I love-- this. What we have. I don't want you to feel like you've done anything wrong by me, or by the world, or by-- by anyone. Because I love-- all of this. All of us."

"Inevitable could still have waited two days," he pointed out, but the tone was light. He couldn't bring himself to keep feeling guilty about it. He bent down at a fairly awkward angle to press a kiss to the side it Owain's mouth, which was as close as he could reach.

".... Yeah. I love- it too."

Owain shrugs. He considers saying something stupid about how things can't change that much over two days, but-- two days really has been a lot for him, hasn't it? He smiles into the kiss, looping his arm around Poe's neck and not letting him down until Owain deepens it, keeping him there until he runs out of breath.

He lets go, breathing slow, trying to steady the growing lust that's building up in here. Can't feel like that here. Not at a fucking park.

"... I think I wouldn't feel as confident about myself-- and about us-- if you hadn't let me do the things I've done with you." He swallows. "It was-- I don't know. You let me feel like a person. Helped me find that in myself. I might still be bowing my head and begging you for attention if you hadn't just totally destroyed my ass last night. So."

"That was all you, Owain," he murmurs, and it's quiet and fond. He ran his fingers through Owain's hair again, just because he could, causing it to stand in a half dozen different directions.

"I was just lucky to be able to come along for the ride."

"Ride. Come. I get it."

He nods, very seriously, Poe's hand still in his hair, making the mess even worse. He goes quiet. Considers asking if he's okay, if he's still embarrassed. Considers promising he'll keep all of this to themselves, less because he's ashamed and more because this is just-- his, and he doesn't want to share it. He decides not to, inevitably, because it is his motherfucking birthday.

"... I wanna do something special, still. Not that-- staying here all day wouldn't be special? I could do that. If you wanted to. We could just chill. Learn more about each other."

Poe chuckles, because that hadn't been what he had meant, at all. He had meant it in a far, far sappier way. But maybe it was for the best to avoid that.

"It's your birthday, Owain, not mine. Whatever you want to do, we'll do it. Just name it."

Owain... nods. He's inundated by choice, and it's hard to have pretty much an entire city to choose from when up until now all he could really like was Poe. And books, sometimes.

"My birthdays until now have just been, like-- a quiet celebration amongst the two older servants who remembered the date. An extra serving of dinner if I'd been good. Sometimes Kes would come down and say hello to me, but it was always with a reminder that I needed to study and that I couldn't get distracted by things like this."

He takes a breath.

"I don't even know what I like. I don't know what people do for their birthdays... and I don't remember a lot of my childhood before mom and dad died." He scratches at his neck. "What do people normally do? Cake or something, right? Can-- can I have a cake?"

The reminder of his father dimmed the life of the butterflies within him, and he let out a breath as he flopped back into the grass.

"... Honestly, I haven't even noticed my last few birthdays. I think the last one I was in a foxhole. But 18 is different."

He'd spend his signing up for the army.

"I think Dourant was bragging about having hit a brothel, for his," he murmured, his fingers playing idly in Owain's hair. "A cake, though. A cake we can do."

Owain laughs, too unreserved and free for a Pledge.

"No shit? You wanna hit a brothel with me?" He bites his bottom lip, lost at the thought of sharing someone with Poe, but a flare of something possessive heats his chest and the joke dies along with it. He doesn't comment on it, but he does shift from where he's laying to have his head up against Poe's chest, laying down against it with his ear to his heart and his arm around his waist.

"... Let's do the cake thing. And then - fuck. I don't know. I wanna get laid but I can still barely walk. God damn it." He draws a circle on Poe's middle with his fingertip, exhaling a slight huff from his nose. "A cake. And then - somewhere nice. To share it together. And then... that's all I got."

"I think that might be a bit much," he admits with a smirk, happily letting Owain settle in next to him. "And it's not as if there isn't a shortage of brothels on the frontier."

He feels a little squirrelly, thinking about it, a strange possessiveness quickly followed by deep, pervasive guilt. What if Owain figured out he liked something, or even someone, better...?

"I have an idea of where, maybe. You been up the clock tower?"

Owain says nothing, completely unwilling to fight Poe on this, even as a joke. No brothel, then. Not today, at least. Good. Poe's his. The beat of silence that goes on between them lasts a little too long, and Owain's hand comes to a stop.

"I've only been in the Dameron estate, my mom's old home, and anywhere you've taken me since you picked me up." It sounds like a pretty depressing list after laying it all out so openly, but he rolls onto his back and stares up at the clouds through the leaves overhead.

"Clocktower sounds good." He pauses. "The cake's gotta look badass, too. Dark and spooky. I don't care about the flavour."

day 4 - morning.

Re: day 4 - morning.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject