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[honestly, Hazel's only been watching the stupid imPort reality show on the late night reruns with the faint hope that at some point they were going to jettison the losers from the airlock and do a slo-mo closeup of them burning up as they hurtled back to earth through the white hot atmosphere. on that front she's continued to be aggressively disappointed.

but there's always a silver lining to every cloud. this week a certain someone got his romantic shit pushed in so far it was a wonder it didn't come spewing back out his mouth - and watching this complete and totally brutal smackdown she'd slowly come to realize that there was something awfully familiar about this guy.

god bless a world oversaturated with social media.

as soon as Hazel draws her conclusion she's hard at work preparing herself for what could only be described as her sacred mission. as soon as she's ready Odin will find himself with a new message in his inbox. it contains only a gif of his currently most embarrassing moment, which fades to black and white at the end before a bright red WASTED plasters itself across the image.

following this she'll be sending him a MeTube videeo every five minutes until he finally cracks under the pressure and actually responds. the majority of them are the clip of his barbaric rejection overlaid with appropriate music; highlights include Mmm Whatcha Say, the kazoo cover of My Heart Will Go On, and Tommy Wiseau interjecting "EVERYONE BETRAY ME I FED UP WIF DIS WORLD"

life sucks, doesn't it?]

[ Way up in space, Odin's curled up in the confessional chair, just kinda vaguely enjoying the silence of the shuttle and dreading the following mornin when everyone's gonna know what happened. He's not touching his phone, but he's idly browsing the network mentally trying to keep his mind off of everything and to just stop fucking crying already oh my god, which means that gif Hazel sends him? Oh, man. Oh man. It gets projected right before his eyes.

He staggers out of the chair in surprise, and the shuttle camera gets a totally radical shot of him choking on air and just kinda batting the air in front of him where the image would be. It stings when he crawls back into the chair, anxiously pulling his knees up to his chest and trying not to think about what he saw, but then there's a video. He reacts the same way. And then another one! AND THEN ANOTHER ONE??? WHAT THE FUCK, INTERNET. When he speaks, his voice is shaking and nervous. ]

Imogen Heap, you backstabbing piece of shit. I defended that song on its merits well after everyone recycled it into a meme. My Heart Will Go On? CELINE DION POURED HER HEART AND SOUL INTO THAT SONG, AND FOR IT TO BE DESECRATED AT MY EXPENSE - UNBELIEVABLE. Tommy Wiseau! Tommy Wiseau, you two-faced fuck! How many times have I laughed at your shitty fucking movie?! You sack of shit! You sack of shit, Wiseau! You're gonna fucking burn for this, Wiseau!!

[ He's just talking out loud, the shuttle camera zooming in on his SAD AND SAD AND ANXIOUS AND SAD AND SUPER SAD FACE, BROADCASTING IT ACROSS AMERICA. ]

Hey. Hey? Hey. This-- hey. [ he runs his hands through his hair. ] This is the worst! This is the worst!! I wanna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna get into one of the emergency pods and it's gonna BLAST ME BACK HOME AND I'M GONNA DIVE INTO THE OCEAN WHEN WE'RE FLYING OVER IT AND I'M GONNA FALL AND DROWN AND SHARKS WILL FEAST ON MY MISERABLE UNLOVABLE UNWANTED WORTHLESS CORPSE.

[you're welcome, America. Hazel is doing this for you like the hero she is.

the fact that if she still had lungs she'd have fallen unconscious due to a lack of oxygen after laughing so hard and long is just a pleasant byproduct of this selfless endeavor. again, you're welcome.

since Odin doesn't seem to realize that there's an actual person behind this yet rather than the entire internet turning against him en masse, she decides to keep up with communicating solely through gifs and video clips until that blessed time arrives. they certainly seem to freak him out enough.]

I hate this! I hate this! I hate you, crab! What kind of crab even are you?!

[ Odin's pacing around the confessional, now, nervously wringing his hands in his suit. He trips, not watching where he's going, and bumps into the antigrav button. He doesn't even care. He just floats upwards, spinning horizontally through the room as he clutches his chest and wells up. This is the worst. ]

I'll literally give you all of my money if you leave me alone. All of it. Every last money I've got. Okay? Okay? All of it. I have so much.

Not enough to buy you some fucking common sense though, huh?

[ Oh, shit! The internet can talk?! Odin swim-flies back to the chair and sits the fuck down, staring angrily into the camera like the BIG ANGRY BOY HE IS. ]

I know what you're called! You're a troll. An INTERNET TROLL! I've got a really big sword and I use it to fell bad guys! I make them die! I kill bad guys with my sword and with my cool magic! Leave me alone. My heart is drowning in an echelon of sadness. I don't think I'm using the word echelon right, but that's what I'm drowning in!

Yeah yeah, your sword's big because your dick's small and you can't handle being told when you're a fuckup since that's all the time. We're all really impressed.

Also as a tip, trolls only spew shit that isn't true to rile people up. I haven't even had to bother with that so far.

Tommy Wiseau wouldn't hurt me. You've used him against me. You've utilized that untruth to humiliate me.

[ Literally crying. Literally crying on TV. Tiny, angry tears that he wipes away with his palms as soon as they show up. LITERALLY CRYING. THIS SHITTY FOOL BOY ]

I actually deserve this? I actually deserve this. Lay it on me. Say more mean things about me. You're the only person who's honest about how dumb and stupid and terrible I am and I deserve that validation. Just be nice about my dead parents, please. They're super dead and it makes me sad to think about.

I'm here to laugh at your shitty ass, not indulge in this self-indulgent pity party because you want to make yourself into a martyr like some shitty preteen with Evanescence blasting in their bedroom.

You're not the only person in the history of the multiverse to have dead parents, either. Suck it up or don't be so fucking obvious about what buttons are extra sensitive to you.

I don't know what Evanescence is but I bet they're better than you're giving them credit for!

[ he sniffles as he goes through the network, finds a bluetube video of My Immortal and immediately lays down in the lack of gravity, tears poURING DOWN HIS FACE. SO DEEP... SO REAL. HE NEEDED THIS ]

I just wanted to give you guidelines to help bully me. M'sorry. Can't even do THAT right.

[she's not even surprised. well, at least it wasn't Papa Roach or the other people up there might really jettison him off into deep space.

ah, if only.]

The entire point of bullying someone is to pick on the shit they don't want attention brought to, you fucking waste of brain cells. And again, I'm not here to encourage this dumbass pity fiesta you've got going on because it's fake as hell.

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