shadowglitter | ic contact

you didn't do anything wrong. i'm not blowing you off.

sorry. he just said a bunch of frustrating stuff in a row.

Oh. Man. Is this the kind of frustrating stuff I should I talk to him about or is it the kind of frustrating stuff you need to vent about or is it the kind of frustrating stuff you just want to keep to yourself?

it's the kind of frustrating stuff that would be unproductive to talk about with his ex.

Okay. Okay. Okay, well, good news! I'm not his ex, technically. And I also don't care about whether or not it's "productive"? I care about being here for you if something happened to upset you. Also, God. Did I tell you what happened when I tried to introduce Poe and Peter?

[cool ok he'll just... ignore that... then]

no. what happened?

[ HUFF.

odin walks out of his room in fauxhalla to look for magnus and bug him to talk about this frustrating stuff in person, but he can't find him right away so he loses all his energy and just lays down on the floor, giving up. w h a t e v e r ]

It-- god. It was a mess. Poe got all protective because he didn't understand my relationship with Peter. He didn't like seeing Peter beat on me or make fun of me? And Peter blurted out my feelings for Poe before I'd confessed, sort of, and Poe got really prickly about that because he thought it was a shitty thing to do. Which, whatever. Peter didn't like him, either. I think. They were, like. Unpleasant. To one another. And it was terrible because I introduced them by being, like, "you're two of the most important people in the world to me" and they didn't get along and it sucked. They played nice for about a week after that but then Poe shot me down and Peter started doing stuff like leaving tools that shock people who touch them right next to Poe so he'd bump into them and get zapped. So. Not friends. Basically I'm asking if that's what's happening here? The you guys both hate each other forever part.

[the shitty petty shocking makes his mouth, which has been a stony line since his talk with Poe, twitch just a little. out of the three of them -- Peter and Magnus are the most alike, really, in temperament and humour]

[but it flattens out, with the last question]

i don't hate him. but we don't have to be friends. it's

[nothing to do with you isn't quite right. he backspaces, sends instead]

not your fault.

I didn't mean to say... like, I wasn't trying to force you to be friends. That's not what I meant. Just, wanted to know what was going on. I guess, because I love you both and stuff. I don't know.

[ blUGH he rolls onto his face and kicks his feet petulantly on the floor for a second. ugh. augh.g aushuasfhg ]

okay though. moving on. Christmas party. Should I go? And don't give me any of that Magnus Chase-ian "i'm not going to make that decision for you" neutrality bullshit, 'cause you're my little brother and I respect your opinion and am asking you for help right now.

Edited (i DONT DO TYPOS TO MAGNUS) 2017-12-15 01:13 (UTC)

it's not bullshit. balance demigod.

[he doesn't have it in him to push it, simply says]

my opinion really is you should do what you feel you should. [...] the other guy is going to be there. and i think it's selfish of him, to keep putting you in the positions he does. he says it's to not hurt you, but you're getting hurt, anyway. and he's choosing to do that. he's not a good friend.

a snapped neck is better than bleeding out any day. that's also my opinion.

Edited 2017-12-15 01:27 (UTC)

[ he's about to snap back something stupid about how he totally forgot how demigods and deities in general have a super stellar reputation when it comes to being Totally Not Frustrating With Their Dumb Bullshit To Human Earth Mortals but he feels bad and doesn't even mean it so whatever. he just lets it die.

also, more importantly, he's kind of frustrated with poe. and scared? his heart hurts, at the thought of the other guy being there. ]

I've never met the other guy. I don't even know his name. Which might be why he's comfortable inviting both of us.

[ that's kind of painful. cool. glossing over the bleeding out stuff. glossing over the bad friend stuff. still doesn't like thinking of poe as just his friend. ]

If that guy's gonna be there he'll probably be really happy. And I haven't seen him happy for a while. And I miss seeing that. So. I'll go. You gonna be my +1 or should I ask Peter?

Edited 2017-12-15 01:37 (UTC)

that's unfair to yourself. i get that it's a whole "i'm happy he's happy" thing but i also think it's bullshit. your happiness matters, odin. just because he refuses to face his own shit doesn't mean you have to go for his wild ride.

he can't be counted on to look out for you. he makes bad and dangerous choices. he wouldn't take his own destiny in hand if you disguised it as whatever the gear shift is in a jet plane.

Edited 2017-12-15 01:50 (UTC)

no, like. I am going to feel shitty either way. On Christmas. Now that he's invited me to this thing. I would rather feel shitty but see him, especially when he's happy, than sit at home and imagine him with that guy and like, And like, imagine things to be much worse than they are. Like he's probably not going to ask this guy to marry him at the party but if I don't go I'm gonna be curling in on my anxiety imagining it in my head and wondering what he's doing and it'll just. Feel. Bad. If I go I'll get to see him in his element and I'll get to show that I'm a good friend who is there to support him and we can get back on track towards being close and stuff. In whatever way he'll let me be close to him. Which is what I want. But yeah he is a bit clumsy about feelings. Can you tell? Can you tell that Poe's a bit clumsy about feelings? Can you tell that that's his deal? Because that's his deal. He's so stupid. Ugh. I love him.

Edited 2017-12-15 02:00 (UTC)

i want to eat ten million falafel every day. that doesn't mean it'd be good for me to OD on chickpeas.

i don't like him. he makes excuses and doesn't think and sucks. i wish i saw peter shock him. i'm sorry, odin.

Bad analogy?? I'm not going to OD on friendship?? You're too dead for chickpea-based annihilation?? Magnus????????? I need to teach you how to wax poetic. Aaaaaaaaaaaaalso, I get your point completely and I have no defense for the decision I'm making. I can't really justify it because it's shortsighted and I'm aware that it's just inviting more pain on myself. Just, It's what I want. He's what I want? Being away from him hurts and makes my stomach itch. I want him to let me be whatever he'll allow me to be. To him. I hope you're okay with that. On some level. I think I'm kind of lucky that you like me. 'Cause I am also those things. A non-thinking excuse boy. Oh man. Please don't take this whole stupid relationship saga as an awakening moment? Don't notice that I'm kind of a dick, please. I know I have been in the past but I'm trying not to be one. Anymore. Really hard. Can I ask him about the conversation he had with you or would you rather I didn't?

i'm not okay with it. but i don't have to be. it's your choice. and i'll be here for you whatever happens.

you're not like him at all, odin.

i guess you can.

YEAH BUT THAT SUCKS AND I HATE IT? I HATE THAT I'M MAKING MAGNUS CHASE SAD OR UNHAPPY OR UNSETTLED BECAUSE OF A STUPID DECISION I'M MAKING? MAGNUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAGNUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but, but, thank you for talking and stuff. for telling me this. I kind of want to make it up to you? Getting you involved and in the middle and stuff when you don't like being in that position. I'm gonna make you some food from my homeland. Tonight. Alex too. Obviously. It'll be good. No meat. Sssssssssssso. Yeah. Yyyyyeah.

you don't have to apologise. at least you're making a decision and sticking by it.

you don't need to make anything up to me. i could have blown you off politely.

diplomatic. you probably should have? Consider it a gesture because I love you, then. Unless you don't want it? Which is also OK. I'm kind of struggling to know what the right thing to do is. Right now.

nerdy kids with asthma learn diplomacy early.

i love you gestures are nice whenever.

Edited 2017-12-15 03:08 (UTC)

[ god, okay. he's feeling sick from not being able to read the tone in magnus's texts and he runs his hand over his face. he really wants to just apologize over and over again because he's convinced magnus hates him a little right now, but he knows that's kind of stupid and unncessary and only going to lead to magnus respecting him a little less, so he just takes a deep breath and gives up. ]

i am going to go back to bed now. thank you again for delivering the message and sharing your opinions with me. I hope the rest of your day goes okay. I will talk to you at dinner.

[?]

? wait what? what's wrong?

[what's with the stiff language? he takes a guess, that maybe he isn't expressing himself well, like he rarely does, when it's about his feelings on something. it was hard enough in person, text made it harder]

i'm not mad. i really just don't think you owe me anything. that's all.

nothing'S WO nR OGN MAGANUS

[ there's a thud from somewhere in fauxhalla as he rolls frantically on the ground and hits his head on the wall. fucking. henngh ]

he made things weird! and frustrated you! and you don't like him! and you don't want me to make you stuff. i think. i think you want me to leave you alone? or that you don't respect me for the decision i'm making with staying friends with poe which would be fair but it's scary and i can't tell. I CAN'T TELL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND START A BAND I'M GETTING OK AT GUITAR!! I COULD DO IT!! I COULD DO IT REALLY WELL

1. he made things weird, that's not on you.
2. yeah, he frustrated me, and i don't like him. also not on you.
3. you can make me shit if you want to.
4. i have a hard time doing words when i'm pissed or upset about stuff. it's called internalizing and it's bad. it makes me sound standoffish i guess.
5. i wouldn't lose respect for you over being in love with a guy i don't like. you don't get to pick who you love.
6. this is why i usually call (see: 4).
7. what would your band be named?
8. you have a guitar?

should i do a list? i'm doing a list. 1. i feel responsible for his actions because he knows you through me - i know i can't control what comes out of his mouth but if he's done something to upset you in some way i feel partially to blame and i want to know what i can do to patch things up, not only because i'm a meddlesome piece of shit but because i don't want two people i love to be at odds with each other 2. i think i answered this in 1? help i'm really bad at lists 3. i don't want to make you something if you don't want it. there is no point in me expressing my love for you if it won't make you happy. last time i did that my life went to shit on national television. 4. i'm sorry for being insensitive. i kind of already knew that already. but i snowball things really easily when i'm worried and end up reacting loudly and in a stupid way. 5. >:( 6. i love you 7. ?!?!?!?!?!? LET'S TABLE THIS AND TALK ABOUT IT WITH ALEX AND PETER ONE DAY 8. yeah. Someone told me very seriously to start doing art stuff with my hands when I'm hurting and it's been working out really well I think. I've been playing it at night? But you sleep at 4am like a normal regular person so you probably haven't heard it. I'm trying to get the courage to ask Alex to teach me how to do stuff with clay but I'm scared she'll make fun of me even though I know she never ever ever would.

you're so bad at lists

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