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I don't hate you. [He doesn't ramble - just states it, with utter certainty. Lets it hang there a second before he sighs.] And I'm pretty sure we're both - look. I don't hate you. At all. Or anywhere close, so just - believe that, at least.

[He messes his hair, and unlike a month ago it stick out in all sorts of weird ways when he pulls his hand away again.]

So let me get this straight.

You screaming at him that he's a dickhead and literally kicking him in the face doesn't... fit that tone.

I know. I know. It's just-- hard to-- give up everything I want. To somebody else. And. To know that you're thinking-- of him instead of-- and it's been, what. Heading into two months? I've gotta stop. I'm being a scumbag, and.

[ yeah. whatever. he's the one who said they needed to drop this, so he should drop this. make wild claims to be better and find someone else so they can just be friends and everything can be good between them. he doesn't, in the end.

just laughs, again, at the fact that he's totally kicked peter in the face. quiet and watery, but a laugh nevertheless. ]

He tries to do the same to me, man. Face-kicks and insults. He's competitive and aggressive and stupid when he's with me. If I were a girl he liked, I'd be able to be like, yo, on your knees!, and he'd just drop. It's gross. He's a gross guy.

You're not a scu-- damn it, this-- just-- I hate the idea that you beat yourself up on my behalf so just - don't. Do that. Please.

Just call me names instead, I'd prefer that.

[He leans back, staring at the ceiling, thinking about flickering lights of stars.]

That's a very specific type of service, sure, but that's not what someone looks for in their entire relationship. That's called going to a club and taking someone home to step on you.

He just - look. He was jealous as fuck the entire time in space, and if he's just doing that as a friend then he needs to back off. That's all I'm saying.

Man.

[ he lays down on his back. feel rejected, feel guilty, feel lonely or feel angry with himself. there's gotta be a way out of this cycle, somehow. he weakly tries the name thing. ]

You... dingus.

[ a pause. and then a laugh, again, small and quiet. can't even call poe something mean as a joke. he breathes out and tries to force himself to relax, and it doesn't work, not really, but the small progress he makes is better than nothing. ]

If he was jealous, it's because he doesn't really make many friends? He and I were really close, and then out of nowhere, it was like, oh, hey, here's the really fucking hot dude I've been boning down on, and also I'm in love with him and want to pledge my life to him, and you get to just kinda sit there and think I'm gonna leave you for someone you probably assume is cooler than you in every way. That's all. It's not... romantic, and it's not...

[ he trails off. ]

It's not like I haven't thought about it. Him and me. I mean, we're close, right? Closer than most friends are. But it's just because we both go hard into shit. I think.

Yeah, you can do better than that. [But his voice was oddly quiet.]

Yeah, well, if he wasn't an idiot maybe he'd realise that even if -- it all had gone differently - it's not like you guys would stop being friends. And fine, fine, it's not romantic, he just acts like it is, because that's a huge difference.

[Does he sound a little annoyed? He might be a little annoyed. He's trying to rein it in, though.]

I'm just saying. Whatever he's doing, he needs to get it straight in his head - and maybe stop being a shit to your family in the meantime.

[Sighs.]

You know I don't hate him, right? He's a good guy. And I know what his friendship means to you. It just. Fucking annoys me when he messes it up.

I'm not... gonna punish you. You found something more in someone else? You've only ever been kind to me since then, I just... have... sucked. At it. And, like, you wouldn't be all that you are to me, if I could just-- insult you. Like that. So.

Chill, okay? We gotta start acting more like friends, rather than-- I mean, you're not even my ex and that's how I treat you. We didn't even... ugh.

[ he listens to the rest of this. examines poe's annoyance at peter from every angle, bouncing it in his head. it occurs to him that he might be-- jealous, or something-- but the thought makes something squeeze like a vice in his ribs. there's no way? not after everything. poe can't still feel enough for him like that to be jealous. he thinks. ]

I know you don't. He doesn't hate you, either. If that means anything.

[ but. in a perfect world, he and poe would be best friends. he and leo would be best friends. his family would love each other and owain wouldn't always feel stuck between them. in a perfect world.

a long pause, and then a breath. ]

Things could have been so much different to all of this. [ a pause, again. ]

I shouldn't be doing this show. Locking everyone up together with cameras trained on their every move is hardly cohesive towards forging strong familial bonds.

[There was a slightly longer pause than normal, and then, in a low tone:]

... You know that's part of the-- that's part of what's unfair about it, right? Because yeah I argued a lot that we "didn't even" to myself but we... Did even.

Don't really think it's fair to you to not acknowledge that.

But that... Doesn't change the fact that I still want to be friends. And you call your friends dickheads all the time.

[He listens to the rest and then kind of shrugs - before remembering that Owain wouldn't have been able to know he did it.]

I don't think it's the worst thing.

I've been watching it.

It looks like people are having fun. You've got some cute people on that island with you.

That's...

[ his pulse picks up. it's difficult, to have his feelings reaffirmed and sealed away at the same time. there's no sweeping soar of hope that always comes when poe tells him that there's something there between them, but he can't deny that this means something. ]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. That's a lot, but. Yeah. If that's how you see me, that helps? I think. I think. I mean-- it-- sucks? It sucks, because if we were something it still means what you get from him is more than what... what you ever got from me, but--

[ ugh, fuck. another pause. he's not doing this again. he breathes, a few times, and he's silent, until finally, finally, he forces himself to stop spiralling. ]

I don't know. Whatever. [ a pause, and then fondly, despite the ache-- ] Dickhead.

[ he smiles. it slips. bleh. this still sucks. ]

Show talk, then. You gonna be cool if I end up dating someone here?

[Part of him wants to interject, but - he can hear the way Owain is putting it aside, for now. And he doesn't want to keep digging that hole deeper. So. He just answers the last part.]

You remember when I said that there were some things I don't get to say shit about?

I don't get to say shit about you dating literally anyone.

I mean unless they are a complete prick in which case I will punch them, but.

Look. I'll be cool. Long as you're alright with it and you're doing it for you I'm not going to - fuck that up for you.

[ it makes sense as an answer, but. spoilers! owain hates it. ]

I think it's kind of a shitty move for you to always just--

[ it fizzles and dies, the energy in his voice. he takes a moment to collect himself and try again. ]

Just-- you keep saying you don't get to say anything, and it kind of sucks? You're putting these limitations on yourself that I don't feel need to be there. I get that you think staying reserved is in my best interests, but being kept in the dark on how you feel doesn't do anything except make me-- second guess. Everything. It doesn't help me. It's never helped me.

[ but he knows that words and poe go together like oil and water, and telling him he prefers poe opening up to him even if it breaks his heart doesn't really seem like it would help after everything they've been through. ]

[Poe sighs, heavily, and he rubs his eyes, pressing hard enough against his eyelids to make stars burst into his vision.]

It's not just for your best interests, Owain, it's not exactly like I - Look. I'm not trying to... keep you in the dark.

It just isn't fair of me to be some sort of gate keeper for - that. For you.

I don't know. Whatever. I have mixed feelings on the subject. But I haven't decided to set fire to any of them, yet, so that's a win, right?

[What are words, tho.]

[ he'll be able to get it a little easier once he's had some time away, and he can examine this and attribute more of poe's resistance to the fact that he's doing this for his own sake as much as owain's. and, you know - for the sake of who he's with. for now, though, owain just bristles a little, trying to connect the dots but not fully being able to. he presses on. ]

I don't... want you to be a gate keeper. I mean-- I mean, yeah, okay, there's a part of me that's still just waiting for you to be like, "no, dude, keep waiting for me forever, it's all gonna work out between us soon", or... something, but.

[ bleh. he breathes out. something stirs in him and he figures he should reference it, in some way. ]

Everyone's mad at me for doing that. I've been fucking-- hounding you. Chasing you away. And I've-- I mean-- there's the start of something, for me? For someone. And it's not-- it's not going to go anywhere, they're not even competing on the show, but it's.

[ he swallows. ]

It's nice to have this fleeting interest in someone. I don't know if I should, like - embrace the fact that I can feel like that for a person, even after everything, or if - or if it's too cruel? Because, like. You're still-- you. To me. What if in a week you're like, "actually, I love you after all" and then I'm-- just.

It's hard.

[His eyes are actually starting to hurt with how hard he's pressing down - so he let's his hand fall to his side.]

You know that would be a stupidly shitty thing for me to do, right? To you? I wouldn't do that.

[Even if literally everything changed, he couldn't do that.

But the 'start of something' mentioned did taste kind of sour, even though he swallowed it down.]

... It's not cruel to feel things. Just don't... [Do what I did. He sighs.] Don't keep me like a chain. Yeah?

Wait--

[ He catches on that first thing, and despite all the nerves of new feelings and the flirtatious dances he's had with the thought of just trying to move on, and he struggles with how he's taking it. That's-- ]

You mean-- like--

If he was gone, you still wouldn't wanna be with me?

[He doesn't swear, at least, manages to bite his tongue. But he's swearing a blue streak in his head. This? This is exactly what he should not be talking about.

Knew that the best thing - the kindest thing - would be to shut everything down, this very second. Not leave even a hint of that door open. Lie.

But Poe's never been good at lying, even when it was for the best.]

That is not what I said. But you go ahead and tell me exactly how fair that would be. To anyone. To you. For one port out to happen and for me to turn around and be like 'well I guess I'll just--'

Fuck.

[He let out a hard breath.]

I literally just - one of my best friends here has disappeared and he hasn't come back, and I'm not - I just came back myself, Owain. People don't--

It's not the same, here, is it. The Porter doesn't listen to shit, from any of us, and it doesn't care what we care about, and how fucking fair of me would it be to just--

[Ugh, fuck? When did his face start leaking. He angrily scrubbed the tears that were gathering in his eyes. When he spoke again his voice was thick.]

Don't ask me that.

[ he takes go ahead and tell me as a challenge and straightens his shoulders, ready to meet it. it would so easy - you can't use the porter as an excuse when you're already dating someone, poe - but in the end, he just listens. doesn't speak, even though having a conversation like this with poe has been all he's wanted for months.

the urge to say something kind of aggressive fades, and he just. stays there. quiet, for a moment. ]

It's not about fairness. Things don't have to be fair or easy for you to want them. You know that better than anyone, man.

I just-- I guess I just thought, hey, this doesn't have to be over? Not if there's a chance that you might have me, if things were different. I didn't realize that that's not... I guess I thought maybe you felt the same? On some level? But that's not-- you're right, that isn't fair. I'm not being fair. Again.

[ he runs his hand down his face. he's tired. ]

It's not like-- I mean, it doesn't matter. Let's just focus on now, yeah? You're with someone you love. I've got a chance of my own - there's someone I'm starting to care about, and even though I know it won't go anywhere, I'm gonna let myself just be happy that I can feel something like this without it hurting all the time. We're just-- you said it yourself, yeah? We're friends. We'll always be friends.

[ he pauses. ]

But--

I didn't know you'd lost someone. You should've told me sooner.

Edited 2018-02-12 03:47 (UTC)

[He sighs.

He already said too much and he's tired and he can't think of any fucking thing to say that won't make it worse. But if today taught him anything, it's that not saying anything is just as bad. So he just sighs.]

Yeah.

Focus on the now.

[It wasn't a hell of a lot, but at least it was an acknowledgement.]

... Yeah. Cassian's gone. Didn't really seem like there was a point in mentioning it. It's just- how things are, here.

[ he's a hypocrite, for wanting to drag this out after saying to put it aside. to have poe say "actually, hey, no, forget about the now, let's talk about how i'm gonna dump my boy and be with you forever and ever", as he always is.

whatever.

he groans when he hears cassian's name. he didn't know the guy, not really, but he knew of him well enough. he wants to argue with poe's it's just how things are but it'll loop back to relationship drama and that's not what either of them need right now. ]

You want me to put filming on hold for a few days and come see you?

No.

I'm fine, Owain. Not like I haven't lost people before.

[There's a pause, then a sigh.]

... Though I should probably come out, tell Bodhi and Kay. If you think that'd be alright.

You don't have to ask, man.

[ he breathes out, long. he knows better than anyone that losing people is never so easily dulled, but he doesn't address it. they're both soldiers. it can go unspoken and still be there. ]

You wanna stay for a couple of days? You can take my room - I'll sleep in one of the dog's trailers.

I am not taking your room during your dating show, Owain. What if one of those dicks decides to try and come woo you in the night and I'm there instead?

It's fine. You've got camera crew there, right? I'll bunk with them.

[ he laughs at "one of those dicks", tries not to let it warm him. fails, and so notably. the only reason this doesn't jump straight into hopeless, inappropriate flirting is because poe's going through something and it still has his focus. ]

It's the only place on the island without a camera... but if you don't mind getting footage of yourself snoring plastered all over native TV again, stay wherever you want.

[ silence, for a moment. ]

I'm really sorry. You of all people don't deserve loss.

Even your camera crew? Man. Poor guys. But it's fine. Pretty sure I might cause a national disturbance if I slept in your room. I still get hate mail. [He also got a lot of people sending him pictures of their genitalia, or drawings of him and Odin except one of them usually has two dicks. Fans are fucked up.]

[He lets out a breath.]

... Really not about what I deserve or not.

He deserved peace here a hell of a lot more than I do.

[ he doesn't comment, but the guilt is pretty god damn tangible in his voice. fuck. he gets hate mail? fuck. ]

Yup. They have a little web series. We hate Debra. Fast forward any scene with her in it.

[ still dwelling on the hate mail. he moves on. ]

I can feel bad for both of you. [ it's quiet. ] Being ported away affects everyone. You've gotta be able to embrace the hurt without feeling guilty. Even if it's just with me.

If I embraced the hurt every time someone died or got ported out that would be the only thing I'd ever think about.

Mostly I'm just worried about Kay and Bodhi.

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