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I died. My best friend broke my neck while he was begging me to stop, and I was forced to laugh in his face about it. He won't even look at me anymore because of it. No-one can, because of how it was me that hurt them.

[he looks away again.]

All I did was... get too close. I didn't know it existed, I didn't look it out. I got too close and lost-- why do people still act like I should've lost more? Is that selfish? To just be-- tired of that?

I didn't want to come back. Their families should've come back instead of me.

[ owain listens, his stomach twisting into knots. there's guilt, again, over the fear he still has of archie. a fear that instinctively flares up, despite his efforts to will it away, when he talks about-- laughing. owain exhales. ]

It's only been a couple of months. People are still grieving. You're the face of what happened - but that's all you are. More and more people will realize that, in time. It's not selfish to feel weighed down by people hating you for something you're not to blame for.

[ he smiles, weakly, but archie doesn't see it. ]

Um - I think I told you I tried to die back home. [ a nervous glance, like he's scared he's going to make this about him, when that isn't what he wants. ] My dad stopped me. Said that if I died to save someone, I'd lose my chance to save anyone ever again. Said I had to do good with my life. So.

Thinking you shouldn't be here doesn't really do that. There's no good in that. If you think you're-- a black hole, like you're just a negative existence, or-- or something, then you have to find things to do to try and shift that balance into something better. For me, it was the whole Owain Dark act. Change who I was entirely, become someone who had worth in being alive. Maybe for you - you should try and work on forgiving the people who treat you harder than you deserve? Maybe.

You're one of those people. I think. You could start there.

[archie exhales lightly. of course, he hadn't wanted to make owain guilty. he's not even thinking that he might -- he's really not thinking at all. every time he opens his mouth thoughts that he'd been repressing and refusing to think or talk about come out. it's almost involuntary. he looks down at his hands for a moment, seeing the burn marks from arcanine creeping out his sleeve. they're not bad and will likely be completely gone in a couple of months, but... it's a reminder.]

It's been a year, [he says, some form of emotion finally creeping into his voice. it's just... exhaustion. tired. after kyogre, he'd lived in fear of hurting people through his actions again and that's all he's been doing, it feels like.] and I've been trying since I got here. It feels like all I keep doing is hurting people. You know, that house we got trapped in wouldn't have been half as bad if I hadn't had to watch four of my friends die instead of me. I just want my presence to stop being so--

[he stops. thinks for a moment.]

Poisonous.

[damn]

[ Owain listens, and for a time, he feels like that's all he should do. Stay quiet, say "i'm sorry", keep some distance to the situation out of some underlying fear that if he doesn't he'll say the wrong thing. He visibly flinches when Archie calls him poisonous, though, and he knows-- he knows nothing he can say will help, he knows he can't fix this, but it hurts too much to not speak his mind. He loves Archie? He's careful when he lifts his arm forward, worried that Archie might bolt once there's contact like a scared animal afraid of being fed by humans, but he finds Archie's hand and cautiously holds it with his own. ]

You're always focusing on... the bad. On the things you couldn't prevent, the-- the unavoidable things that happened. You internalize all this sorrow and all this pain and you grieve, and when you grieve, you find a way to blame yourself for all the horrible shit you've gone through. You never focus on the good you've done, or the growth you've undertaken, or - or... or that-- that people need you. I need you. I wouldn't need you, if you were just-- just bad for me. Poisonous.

[ he drags his thumb over the side of Archie's hand, and he can feel his ribs ache with the weight of all of this. the knowledge that he won't be able to fix this, the knowledge that he's contributed to Archie feeling like this, in whatever small part. ]

You're not a malicious person. You're being punished enough for the mistakes you've made by carrying all that fucking guilt with you. Punishing yourself even further by painting yourself as just-- just-- a monster? That doesn't do anything.

[he doesn't really react at all when owain takes his hand--it's like holding onto a dead weight before archie belatedly actually reacts to it and holds owain's back. he makes no eye contact, just continues staring a hard hole into the floor in front of him.]

I wish I could, [he says eventually. he knows he's not entirely a drag, but it always feels like the bad he's done vastly outweighs the good. that no matter what he's always never going to be able to get past the bad and he'll never be good enough. that no matter how hard he tries there'll always be something new that he'll fail in and push the good stuff back down even further than it already is.] But right now it feels like I won't be able to move on from it. I can't change my way of thinking about myself when-- even though I wasn't behind the wheel, people still think everything that happened was me. Three people could've got the shot in the day before Magnus did, but they didn't, because it was me.

[he raises a shoulder in a helpless shrug.]

And it goes both ways. Especially for the people in Maurtia Falls whose friends and relatives didn't just get fixed by nanites. The actual cause doesn't matter to them, just who did the actual deed.

[ he's in over his head and he doesn't know how to help, and that's what spurs owain on to just do something. the moment archie starts to squeeze back odin clamps his hand as tight around his as he can, just trying to show that he's fucking here. he's not great, but he's here, and he doesn't think archie's a monster. that's one person, at least. that has to count for something, he thinks. ]

Time can fix - all of this. Time provokes understanding. People don't understand your role in this, not yet, but they will with more distance. You just have to wait it out, and waiting it out requires strength. Pushing through it. The second you break under all of this, the second you sign on to a future that doesn't include the version of you that it deserves.

[ "just who did the actual deed" - that still wasn't archie. that was never archie. that was the relic. ]

You were a victim.

No, they won't. They don't want reasons, they won't see me as anyone other than the guy that murdered their friends and relatives.

[he pulls his knees up to his chest, shaking his head.]

You say that knowing me. What happened has barely been explained to me, let alone anyone who lives in Maurtia Falls.

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th-th-th-three months late [blasts airhorns]

new phone who dis

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