shadowglitter | PSL || poe/odin

PSL || poe/odin

WAY TO REJECT ME YOU FLIGHTY AIRBORN PIECE OF SHIT! WAY TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP FOR ME AND MY HEART, FOREVER AND EVER, ALWAYS UNTIL FOREVER

HEY YO YOU TOLD ME TO WRITE A LIST SO GUESS WHAT!!!!!! IT'S TIME FOR US TO GET FUNKY AS FUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK

god i am not going to bother formatting this

TO DO LIST:
1. SEXTING FROM BOOT CAMP ringverse AU
2. prince/concubine AU - owain's the prince, poe's a concubine to the king, paranoia and political assassination ensues, etc etc etc etc etc
3. vampire hooker AU?? owain gonna get his gothic goth goth dick wet in that spooky vampire butt
4. HAHA BOOM WE'RE DOING IT I LINKED THE POST DOWN THERE
5. enemies of war AU - owain's a good guy on the bad guy side who almost loses his life trying to save poe even though he's an enemy soldier, poes like What, Shit, Damn, gay shit ensues
6. HNENENGH
7. ANGELS AND DEMONSSSSSSsss
8. 20s AU///?? YES. YES ALRIGHT
9. WW1 AU WHATS Up
10. ?? there was something that was supposed to go here from the kink meme
11. samurai champloo AU what up. chon'sin. Shit
12. bBODYSWAPPpappapp

long-term AU posts:

⚔⛉☆ PLEDGED

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ He's been hanging on every single fucking word Poe's been sending him, his pulse racing and every part of him aching. "You deserve so much better" hits him like a train, "So much better, Odin" even more. He feels like crying, because he doesn't need this, he doesn't need to be turned down again and that's what this is. The only reason he doesn't is because Poe wants to see him, and-- he can't cry in front of him, he cries too much. He's gotta suck it up, like Archie said. ]

confession pod. are you okay? the door's unlocked.

no i'm even more of a moron than I thought I am not okay.

[But then he's there, head thumping once against the door, before he unlocked it and floated in. He looked- well, miserable.]

[He thought about words, as he stepped into the pod. He thought about them, but the guilt was so strong he knew anything he said would be tainted, and before he realised what he was doing he was crossing over to him, hands sliding onto either side of Odin's face, pulling him into a deep, desperate kiss.]

i'm sorry. i've fucked up. i don't know what i did, exactly, but i know i've done a lot today and i know this has to be my fault. do y

[ He's startled when Poe's at the door, sending the message out incomplete. He's wringing his hands together close to his chest, nervous and leaning back, defensive and guarded. He looks like he's scared Poe's about to-- hit him, or hurt him, and the truth is, he is, in a way. He doesn't know what he's done to make Poe corner him like this, but he knows it has to have been bad, and he just wants to apologize, he just wants to say he shouldn't have confessed or said the things he said in their conversation just now, he should have just-- bottled it up, not dug this guilt into Poe like barbs--

But then he's kissing him, and Odin's still scared, not willing to believe this is real. His breath catches in his throat and he thinks of the other, the reason he was rejected, and he feels like he's doing something truly, dreadfully awful by wanting this. But - he does. He wants Poe more than he's wanted anything, and he gently, carefully, slowly parts his lips to see where this goes. ]

[The taste of whiskey was heavy on Poe's tongue, which may have been just another piece of evidence for the fact that he was probably not capable of making rational decisions right now, but he was pulling back - still grasping Odin's face - but pulling back so he could look him right in the eye.]

I'm sorry, Odin - I-- [But words failed him, and it was apparent, now, that his eyes weren't exactly dry.]

You deserve so much better-- [But then his lips were on Odin's again, clumsily, trying to get out what he wanted to say without having to say it.

I crossed the line too.]

Edited 2017-11-27 18:37 (UTC)

[ Odin's not well-versed in alcohol, but the spirit that brushes over his tongue is strong enough for him to know what it is. His eyes widen, searching Poe's eyes rapidly with his own, and as Poe's about to kiss him, he tries to stop it. ]

Wait--

[ But he doesn't try very hard. The second those lips are on his, Odin's full of so, so much sadness and twice as much want. He shuts his eyes and kisses back, harder than he should, and it's only when he's struggling to breathe under the weight of everything that's happening that he breaks it. ]

Fuck, fuck, I don't-- I don't, I don't deserve more, I'm-- fucking awful, I'm an awful person, I don't deserve to even look at you, let alone call you my friend or-- or want more, like I do, but I don't--

[ He goes quiet, not out of speechlessness but out of fear that if he's too honest, Poe will come to his senses and leave. He hates himself, for not fighting this harder - he feels like he's taking advantage of Poe, by letting him kiss him while he's been drinking - but his blood is boiling and his chest is sore with so, so much heartbreak, and he's not a strong enough man to pull away.

He wants to ask what this is. He wants to ask what's running through Poe's head. Part of him wants to scream at him for doing this to him - because to Odin this is what Poe does, he kisses you and acts like he loves you but he doesn't. In the end, his heart rips in half and he's crying, silently but openly as he hurriedly tries to wipe the tears away from his cheeks the second they're there, humiliated. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No.

[His own voice is thick, catching in his throat, and Odin's tears are the key for his own, eyes brimming with them though the don't quite begin to fall.]

No-- Odin-- Please don't. Just listen. Listen-- I can't-- I don't know what to do, but I can't do this. I can't bear to do this.

I need you, Odin, and I keep trying to tell myself that I don't because it isn't fair-- it isn't fair because you deserve someone who sees you, and only you, but I can't let go--

[ Fuck, no, he can't hear this. He'd been listening through the tears, as best as he could, until I can't let go, and then his hands are over his ears as his nails dig hard into his scalp, trying to drown out Poe's voice. ]

I don't-- want to hear. His name. Don't-- tell me it.

[ He'd look him up, this guy who stole Poe's heart away, if he knew his name. If he puts a face to the man Poe loves, there wouldn't be-- armor, anymore. There wouldn't be a thin, protective shield between his thoughts and the aimless worries in his head, where he pictures Poe and the man he loves together and hates himself for it. He can't do that to himself, he can't know, he'll lose himself to madness.

He needs to let Poe go, push him away and tell him he can't bear to be like this, second to another.

But he can't.

He's done with words, done with talking, everything Poe says to him just hurts, like knives prying apart his ribs. He puts his hands on Poe's neck and brings him into another kiss, and it's hard and wet and more than a little shaky, Odin's whole body a wreck with sorrow as it is. He doesn't stop, though, throwing himself at Poe with all the desperate, aimless affection he can, because he needs this. All he's ever needed is to be loved, and now that he cares so, so deeply for someone he can't have, he just-- will bear with the pain, if that's what he has to do. The razor thin sharpness in his throat when he tries to breathe around Poe, the disconnect between his thoughts and his actions, all of it. Nothing matters.

Nothing but this. ]

It doesn't matter-- [He gets cut off by sloppy, shakey kisses and returns them just as desperately and clumsily, hands gripping hard into fabric.]

It doesn't matter- [He's still trying to speak, though the rough, painful desperation.]

It doesn't matter, Odin, I want to be with you-- I don't care-- I need you--

[ That's a lie, that's a lie, he's so sure that's a lie, he's so sure that nothing matters to Poe more than-- than him--

But he's done. He'd so much rather live with the guilt of doing something wrong than one more second of not having Poe. Poe's lying. Odin lets himself believe it, and his voice breaks as he speaks. ]

I need you, too.

[ The clumsy kisses turn into something a little more painful, as Odin bites a little too hard at his teeth and his nails scratch into Poe's back a little too sharply. He needs as much of this as he can get. ]

[The pain was exactly what he needed and he let out a pathetic, shuddering moan, hands already going to pull free Odin's clothes. He wanted to be hurt - wanted to be punished for doing this to Odin. He wanted to taste his own blood as if he could possibly pay penance with it. He wants Odin to hurt him and brand him and claim him and then maybe he won't feel so damn guilty.]

[He's breathing hard and tearing at fabric between them as he presses hard kisses to Odin's mouth.]

Please--

[Please carve your name into my heart so I don't have to.]

[ The moan would have been all Odin needed to push this further, but the way Poe says please makes him whine like a kicked stray, wanting and heartbroken. He digs his nails even harder into Poe, raking marks down his spine as his kiss gets even clumsier, his body shaking like he's standing in a blizzard.

And it's-- it's fucked up, what he's about to ask, because he knows it's going to be a lie. He knows. He sounds fucking wretched, when he speaks. His voice is low and monotone like he thought very, very hard on how to steady it before it came out, but - his words waver, and they die towards the end, the pain in his throat from holding back tears choking him out and making it too hard to speak. ]

Tell me you love me.

[ lie to me, lie to me, fuck, i need you to lie to me, i just need to hear it, i just need to hear it once.]

[His mouth goes dry, his heart hammering in his chest, stuttering and threatening to stop at any moment. He shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be doing this. But this is just another kind of pain and another kind of punishment and he needs it. Needs to drive the knives in his chest even deeper.]

This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't, Odin.

[His voice is pure gravel and the last words are half a sob.]

I wish I didn't -- I wish I could just-- pretend I didn't care at all --

Fuck, Odin, I'm so sorry, but I do. I'm pretty sure I'm fucking falling in love with you and I can't stop it--

[ He thought-- he thought if he heard that, something would click in place for him, something would stop hurting. He thought he believed this, that he was letting himself believe this, but--

But Odin's a liar. He knows how to lie. It's one of the only things he can do without fucking it up. He knows how to send his voice to hell like that, to hiccup a sob at the end of whatever bullshit he's spouting to really sell what he needs to sell. He's never done it, but he thinks he could tell someone he loved them, if he wanted something from them. A small, bitter part of him wonders if Poe just wants to get fucked and thinks this is the easiest way to go about it.

He wants this so, so fucking much, though. He doesn't care, right now, who gets hurt. Him. Poe. The other guy, whoever he is. He just wants to feel loved by the man he loves so much himself.

He stops questioning this. ]

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

[ Everything other than Odin's need for Poe dies over his next heartbeat. He puts his grief away, locks it down tight, as he wraps one arm around Poe's neck and pulls him in for a deeper kiss. It's mechanical and distant, like he's doing this because he has to, rather than he wants to. It's as sad as it is hungry, so when the practiced way his lips brush against Poe's turns into something heavier, messier, with bites in the wrong place and too much tongue, he doesn't care. He doesn't care to be perfect, because that's not what this is. He thought Poe was perfect for him, once, but he knows now he must have been wrong.

Perfection wouldn't hurt this much. ]

[The half sob that had been in his throat turning into a full one, pathetic and shuddering as he tried to return the kisses and he wanted them- he wanted them so badly- but his eyes were stinging and it was getting harder to breathe normally so he couldn't keep up the kiss. Not when he could feel the difference. Even at the height of 'casual', Odin had never kissed him like this.

He sobbed again, deep and shuddering, fingers threading tightly into Odin's clothes and slumped forward onto him, the dams within him breaking.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't. All he wanted was something he couldn't have and he was ruining one of the best things in his life, for nothing, and he just started to shake, almost completely silently, against Odin as he began to weep.]

[ His heart locks in his chest the god damn motherfucking second Poe's sobs turn into something so much more real. His mind backs up, searching through everything Poe's said since breaking through to the confessional, but it-- it all feels like he's an outsider now, looking in on someone else's memories, like the kisses and the sobs and the I'm falling in love with you and I don't know how to stop was aimed at someone else. He doesn't-- he doesn't get it, he doesn't get this, Poe said he didn't want him, he said it. ]

Don't--

[ Poe's screwing with his head, he's always screwing with his head. It dawns on him, then, very quickly -

Poe's been rejected. The man he rejected Odin for must have... contacted him, or somehing, and told him he didn't want him. He feels his heart shatter like glass as he holds Poe by the waist, pulling him closer, as close as he can. He should be happy, if his assumption is right. It gives him a chance.

He's just heartbroken. ]

I can't-- see you cry. I want-- to protect you, and keep you safe, and to make you happy. That's all I want. I don't want you to cry because of him.

[He doesn't cry often.

Mostly because he doesn't have time.

It's not that he has any strange bravado about crying. In front of his enemies, sure. You never let them see you cry. But by himself? Or with someone he cared about? He wasn't going to pretend that he didn't feel things. He just usually lived too fast and too hard to think long enough to stop. But now that the dam had broken it didn't seem to stop.

Five months of repressing himself - no - years - Earth was just the newest segment, the war a far easier way to neglect himself than this strange pseudo-peace was. But it didn't work. This place was a temporary ghost of a feeling, not anything solid, and even if he knows - even if he knows, somewhere in him, that his feelings for Finn aren't just from here, it doesn't matter. Even if he somehow wore him down and brought Finn around, it would be just for here. But the man hasn't spoken to him in days, the inherent rejection louder than any spoken one, and it wasn't as if they had a promise, or anything like it, in the first place, but even wanting Odin like this feels like betrayal. Like Treason.

But he does want him and he hates himself for it because he should be better than this, even though it's not for anything.

Saving himself for something that he knows will never happen. Pushing away something incredibly important and real. For some fucked up idealised dream he won't see.

He's getting angry with himself, now, but he can't stop sobbing, gripping at Odin like a life-line as he burrowed his face in his chest.]

[ Odin understands heartache all too well.

He was there, when his mother died. There when his father died, as well. There when he saw villagers lose their homes and their lives after begging him to save them. There when he burned the houses of other innocent people, in a country so far from home, under the guidance of a mad king. He's done terrible things, under the orders of people so much smarter and more selfish than him. So much of him has died, over the years.

He embraced his vulnerability, the softness he had, to keep the best parts of him alive. The alternative was becoming numb.

As he sits there with arms shaking and eyes painfully, painfully wet, with the man he loves breaking in his arms - breaking over someone else, someone he actually loves, in a real way, a real fucking way, a way that isn't a lie like the one he started to tell Odin -

He wishes he were numb. ]

Don't...

[ As he shuts his eyes as tight as he can, willing all these thoughts and sounds out of his head and wrapping his arms so, so fucking tight around Poe, he wants to run away. He doesn't want this, for Poe to act like he needs him. Not when he knows it's - not real, none of it's real. There is no fucking part of Poe that wants Odin, and he's sure of that, never been surer than he is right now, because this is fucking callous. Odin's alternating between wanting to believe in everything Poe's said to him and being so, so utterly, incomprehensibly convinced that this is only-- heartache, this his heartbreak, because Finn turned him down the way Poe turned Odin down-- and he's just using Odin because he knows Odin will fucking care, will fucking want him.

He's a distraction. He shouldn't complain - that's all he's ever been to anyone, anyway. ]

Come on, you don't--

[ His heart breaks a little more. He runs his hands through Poe's hair, gingerly, stroking his head, trying to keep him calm. ]

You don't-- you don't know. What the future might bring. Are you crying because-- because he said... he doesn't... want... you? That-- that could change, man. He'll fall in love with you. There's--

[ he swalows, dry mouthed, and fuck, when did he start crying? ]

There's so much goodness in you. So much. I fell in love with you-- the moment you first laughed with me, I think. It's just who you are. Intrinsically lovable, intrinsically perfect. He'll figure that out. I think.

That's not-- [The words were less actual words and more of a broken sob, but it was pulling him out of his own self pity, a little. Mostly because Odin was breaking his heart all over again. He pushed himself back out of the embrace but his fingers were still well locked into Odin's clothes.]

I can't. I can't, Odin, that's --

[It was incredibly hard to stop crying and he was trying but the effort made his whole body shake.]

You don't-- I'm anything but perfect, and I can't- I don't deserve either of you, but that doesn't stop me from wanting--

[He had finally managed to bring the sobs under control, for the most part, though his breathing was still far too hard and strained and his eyes were still swimming in tears. Force, he was pathetic.]

How can I-- possibly justify-- when I feel like this for you--

[ Ah, fuck, he hates this, he hates this, he hates seing Poe cry. His throat feels like it's on fire and he's trying to hold it together, he's trying, but this just keeps getting worse and worse and worse and his stomach feels like lead. ]

You don't - mean any of that. About - falling for me. I promise. You're just - in mourning. You don't love me. Okay? You just want - him. You told me. Remember? It was wrong of me - to make you say that. I'm sorry.

[ The words are like knives, coming out of him, slicing his throat as he says them. He's making himself relive this, the worst moment of his life, but it's-- what he has to do, he thinks, to keep Poe in touch with what he's really feeling. He keeps getting so, so close to reading into this and just taking what Poe is telling him at face value, and he can't. It'll break him and he won't be able to put himself together again. ]

You deserve-- the world. The sun, the stars, the moon. I wish I could give it to you. I would-- drain my body of blood, turn my bones to dust, let the light fade from my eyes, if I could give you even a second more of happiness. But I'm not...

[ his voice cracks under the pressure of saying all of this when he's trying so, so hard not to fall apart. ]

... who you want. Okay? He is. You deserve-- all of it. From-- him.

Even if I... Even if he doesn't hate me, now, I...

[The sobbing was done, at least, though it left his voice rough and quiet and dry.]

It's not fair to him, either. I would just end up thinking about you.

I don't deserve either of you.

[ Odin is - silent, impassive. Even despite all of this, he's just - happy, on some level, that Poe's crying a little less. But he hurts, deep in his chest, an ache that hits him from so many different directions. He rests his hands on the side of Poe's neck and angles him to meet his eyeline. ]

I don't...

[ deep breath. ]

I don't want you-- to ever think. That you don't deserve me. There is nothing you could do that would make me want you any less. The warmth you give me, and-- and the ambition-- to be a better man-- it's-- it's all I've ever needed, from the person that I-- that I'd always hoped to fall in love with. Like I have with you.

[ he's falling apart, and he has to stop, because even if he doesn't-- understand, all of this, he understands that poe needs-- something, from him. ]

I am always going to love you. I think. I know it's-- soon, and a lot, and that you don't need to hear that, but I can't imagine ever feeling this happy with anyone else. I don't-- think I can share you, but-- but I'd try. If it would ease something in you. And if it would let me know even more of you.

[Poe shook his head- at first lightly, disbelievingly, but the with increasing firmness. His hand gripped Odin's forearms, effectively keeping them locked onto him. Steadying. But he was still shaking his head.]

That's not-- you don't know, Odin, you're young, I'm not--

I couldn't do I. I can't. [He sagged forward like a sack of potatoes.]

Can you just... Hate me, instead...it'd be better for you in the long run...

[ He's not sure what he feels, when he's turned down. This rejection doesn't hurt as much as the last one did - but it breaks something in him, nevertheless. He lowers his eyes to the ground, and he's... sad. Just sad. Not crying. Not screaming. Just - sad. ]

I just want to be with you...

[ He's said it a thousand times, by now, and he knows the words have lost all impact. But it's all he wants. He's resigned, now, to never getting Poe - not fully, not completely - but he just... ]

I just want to be with you.

I CANT DO IT

I CAAANT THIS THREAD it's too ooc for Poe he would never want to hurt Odin like this I fanntbsjejflsjs

Let's just

Go with the affair thread instead

AND THEN POE AND ODIN KISSED AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY SOMEHOW AND IT ALL WORKED OUT FOREVER

THE END

PSL || poe/odin

hooraaaay...

Re: hooraaaay...

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holy shit i thought i replied to this one a year ago kill me

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