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Oh - yeah. I actually knew what I was getting before I made up a bunch of pretend things about getting an explosion etched onto my face or whatever? Things I've been thinking about for a while.

[ ... but he's not sure if archie'd be cool hearing about it. he's not sure he has the guts talking about it, either, after the blow up, after all the poe drama, after everything else. he'll try though. ]

I got a thing? With Peter? I guess. He got one, too.
And - did I ever tell you about my brand? I think I did, but...
Members of the Ylissean bloodline get a - a kind of birthmark on their body to signify their lineage. Lucina's is in her left eye, you can see it if you look close - her father's was on his shoulder, our aunt's was on her forehead.
I had one on my arm, but I lost it when I gave up the name Owain? So... I got it back. It's not-- it's not real, but it's back? So. I don't know.
It's nice.
I missed it.

that's fair. at least it led to some entertaining suggestions. that's a relly nice idea. [jokes on you bitch! he's fully supportive!] very symbolic of everything you've regained and what you've found here. a piece of inked poetry on the top level of your skin that represents the battles of the mind and body you've achieved victory in and also macking on peter?

Edited (spelling is hard) 2018-06-15 14:54 (UTC)

[ still worried. still also really reliant on archie when it comes to talking about his feelings, even though it makes him nervous. and also because he just straight up feels selfish opening up to the poor dude? archie doesnt need this shit, he's got enough in his life without owain being owain. ]

You don't think I'm, like. Stupid?
My mom never had a brand but she was still Ylissean royalty, and I never thought less of her for her mark never showing. Cheating the brand back onto my skin feels - disrespectful? Like I'm saying I wasn't complete without it, or something, which was never the case and never how she felt to me. I don't know.
The little matching tattoo I got with Peter, too? I got a dumb moon and he got a dumb sun because those are the dumb things we dumb call dumb each other. I keep waiting for someone to look at my wrist and see it and judge me.

Maybe I'm just.
Paranoid?
Dumbly.

i don't think you're stupid at all. i think it's good you can reclaim something that means a lot to you from home here, even if it feels fake for now. it's still a symbol that has meaning behind it and that makes you feel better just to see it. especially given the circumstances surrounding you having to give it up in the first place. it's not reflecting poorly on how you thought of your mom, because this is something for you, owain, not anyone else. are you worried someone's going to judge you for being with peter? or for having the tattoo at all? it's okay to have anxieties about it. it's a big choice, even if it didn't feel like one.

[ there's a pretty long delay. ]

I think I'm just worried people won't understand how important these things are to me... I guess.
I'm kind of tired of everybody thinking I'm stupid.
I know I brought it on myself? I know I keep pushing that particular narrative, through the rolling fogs of Odin Dark, Defender of Justice and Odin Dark, Catalyst of Shattering Darkness and all those other hard to disperse masks. But.
I don't know.

It's just important. I don't know what I'm saying.
Sorry.

you don't need to apologise. there will be people that don't understand it. there's always going to be people that don't understand it. it's easy for me to say the people who think of you that way aren't worth your time to begin with, but i know in practice that doesn't always mean anything. that despite your best efforts, their comments will burn away in your mind. it's a self-esteem thing, you know? thinking that you owe explanations to people or have to justify everything you want to do to people who don't know you. i'm not a therapist, so i can't really offer you any genuine advice on how to begin to work past it, unfortunately. all i can do is tell you whenever you need it that you're a good person. you're allowed to have these nice things for yourself, and you've been through so much in your life that having these sort of unsure feelings about it are completely valid. you're not feeling anything that's wrong. you can have anxieties and not like how people think of you, even if you think the entire reason is your fault. moving past it is hard, but even if it feels like you will be, you won't be stuck feeling like this forever. your feelings will change as you do, and i don't doubt that one day you'll be able to feel as comfortable in your choices and confident in yourself as you deserve to feel.

[ he's moved, as he always is, and it means a lot - but owain's always circling around that point, now, where he doesn't understand how archie can be so kind to him. not because owain thinks he doesn't deserve it; he knows now that he's worth support like this, he knows he's allowed to have a backbone and still lean on another person's shoulder now and again, but he doesn't know if he deserves it from archie. time and time again, he feels like he hasn't been a good friend to archie. and more to the point -

if archie can be this kind to him, why can't he be so kind to himself? odin's reply is short and to the point. ]

I wish you would show yourself as much kindness as you always show me.

[he's not really sure how to respond for a good few moments. there's no notable delay, but archie's brain certainly takes what feels like an eternity to process the simple question. he settles on a reply that's actually truthful, for once, not just hitting him back with the obvious "i'm fine" lie.]

i'm getting there, owain. it's taking a while because of various set backs, but i'm still trying. i think if i can get through something as bad as the relic on top of matt being ported out then i can probably pull myself out of anything. though having people around to help pick my fat ass up when i trip and fall down a sewer hole certainly helps.

I want to be that. For you. I want to be the emotional pillow beneath your glorious ass.

[ gold-trimmed, lined with hawk feathers. ]

I'm better at listening... than I am at giving advice.
But I really am growing up. I'm better at handling myself when I'm upset - I'm better at reasoning out why someone's behaviour is getting to me and putting a stop to it rather than... rolling over.
When i say "I'm not doing anything wrong just by being myself", it's something I believe? I don't have to force myself to believe it anymore - it just comes naturally. Even if I'm still nervous about... what if I say something wrong, or what if I do something stupid, or what if people don't like me, or... or any of that shit, I don't-- dwell. Anymore.
So.

So.
I don't know.
I guess I just - want to tell you that I'm better than I used to be. And I want to be here for you, like you always have been for me. I want you to feel like you can rely on me and I want to carry you through anything that goes on in your head.
I guess I'm asking you to just talk to me if things ever get bad? Or - even if they don't and you just need to... say something.
I can do that. I can be here for you.

you've come very far, owain i'm so proud of you

[it feels a little insincere to say so over text, but... he doesn't mean it any less. it's genuinely uplifting to see owain manage to recover from what had happened with poe-- archie, if pressed, might admit he was worried he'd never be able to get past it, especially given his reluctance to try therapy.

thank fuck for peter, he supposes.]

i don't feel like i can't [not a lie; right now he doesn't feel like he couldn't, but a few months ago? wew lad.] and it's not a testament to your character or anything that i don't do it a lot it's a problem. i'm bad at talking about stuff. i don't want it to stay that way, and it won't, because i've been going to therapy on and off since... fucking october. so i'll try because i know you can do it

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