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[shadowglitter]

INBOX text / audio / video / action I only drink Chocolate Milk. THE DARKEST OF MILKS! art credit code credit

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[quickfingers]

I guess. I don't exactly stare into my girlfriend's eyes nonstop but like, yeah?

It'd be creepy to just stare into her face all day. Plus like, my eyes aren't exactly as pretty. I've been told they're kinda creepy actually. Wouldn't wanna make anyone uncomfortable unless it's a stare down in which case yeah, I do use it to my advantage. My soulless eyes.

[shadowglitter]

I don't know who you've been talking to, but I like your eyes.
Not even in a "charming like a pet goldfish" kind of way, but in an I generally think they're fine kind of way.
And your girlfriend would like them even more than I do, what with her intense, unbridled love for you.
You should stare into her face some more, I think.

[quickfingers]

You don't think they're weird? Both my parents have light eyes but then again I'm a mutant disaster so maybe it just got flipped around, hair for eye color and vice versa. Shit, I could've had cool gray eyes. Instead I just got cool gray hair.

[shadowglitter]

No, I think you look radical all over. You're a super heroic dude with a rad sense of style. Your hair is badass and your eyes are pretty yet masculine.
You're fine.
I kind of get the feeling, though?
My cousin has this really cool mark in her eye. Like, um, a sort of transparent tattoo over her iris.
I wish I had something like that, instead of just a weird nose and a hairstyle that never seems to grow in evenly.

[quickfingers]

I like your hair though - it's neat? I thought it was deliberately cut that way.

I knew a chick back home that was blue head to toe. She could change her appearance to whatever she wanted but she had really rad, all-yellow eyes.

[shadowglitter]

No, it's very much a make-the-best-of-a-bad-situation kind of deal.
It used to be black, like my dad's, and I used to have this brand on my arm that I got from my mom, and I don't have any of that anymore.
Just a clumpy mess on my hair and an inability to grow a sick viking beard.

That's cool? I love her.
I would probably feel insecure about myself if I had to grow up around someone like that.
I wish I could turn blue or into other people. Or... turn other people blue.

[quickfingers]

Beards are a lot of work. I can't grow one either, if it helps. And even if I could, I wouldn't, because I'd get mistaken for an old man 10x more often.

I didn't grow up around her but she kinda is my boss? Teacher. Advisor. She also saved the world and is a hero who just happens to always be blue and naked idk. Also you can do the last thing you said with just a water balloon and some dye, just sayin'.

[shadowglitter]

Ugh, I would look so good with a beard, though.
You wouldn't, but.
I would.
It would be luxurious and long and I would put it in braids. I would grow my hair out to be down to my waist and I would be viewed as a warrior god.
UnghghghghghhHHHGHGHGH I HATE THIS MORTAL SHELL OF A BODY

I was told I'm not allowed near water balloons anymore but.
Good plan.
I'm glad you had someone like her in your life. Heroes are important to have around, I think.
I would have died years ago if I hadn't had powerful people to look up to.

[quickfingers]

You know that's pretty true for me too
she kinda saved my life. I almost died before coming here, it was uh
not fun

let's get you some water balloons. If you fill condoms with water, they're technically not water balloons? Though they might not pop so easily.

[shadowglitter]

What happened?

Also, okay. That sounds like a good loophole and I have like 900 boxes because I had fun buying them and watching the guy at the store be all awkward and embarrassed about it.

[quickfingers]

long story short i punched a guy til he broke my leg and was about to have someone kill me only it turned out it was the blue girl who tried to kill him and he nearly killed her til everyone teamed up to murder him. After my leg broke I was kinda useless so I sat things out in hideous amounts of pain.

You know what'd make condom balloons even better, Odin?

[shadowglitter]

Oh.
I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like you were being pretty brave? Which doesn't surprise me. That's a quality I relate to you.
I'm glad your leg's better?
I hope your feelings and emotions are also better.

HOT SAUCE

[quickfingers]

jury's out on mental health but my leg's pretty cool now.

& the answer was GLITTER but you know what? hot sauce can work. Or bubbles? like the ones you blow and the oh shit what about foam.

[shadowglitter]

Congratulations on having a leg that's slightly less rickety and precarious than your brain, hopefully.

Glitter makes everything better so it's kind of a cheap answer.
That's like saying "Hey, you know what would make this casserole better? IF MY DICK WERE MADE OF SOLID GOLD."
Like, yes. Nobody's questioning it. It is a constant situation improvifier.
But you're totally right about that and the bubbles.

I kind of got a brilliant idea just now?
Are you sitting down?

[quickfingers]

No but hit me with it, if I fall - I fall

[shadowglitter]

We fill each condom balloon with something different. Hot sauce. Shaving cream. Paint. Dye. Regular water. Glitter. Urine? Semen. Blood. Etcetera.

We split the balloons down the middle, giving each other an equal amount. Mystery balloons. We're incapable of knowing what's in them until they burst.

And then



we fight.

[quickfingers]

While this does seem enticing and I do love the chaos of it all what if we instigate a team fight against Magnus instead, where we rig him to have water condoms and we get to throw nasty condoms at him without the risk of getting urine, semen and blood flung at us?

It's cheating but I'm not above that.

[shadowglitter]

That is such a good idea.
That is so much more of a good idea than the stupid bad and terrible idea I just had.
Is there anything he doesn't like? Like spiders or bees or something.
Not, like, wolves, 'cause I know that's a big thing,
But little, friendly little acts of terrorism could go a long way towards making this fight a memorable evening.

[quickfingers]

He likes bees, the odd duck that he is.
We have to keep in mind that Alex can and will kill us so it has to be in the middle range. We could just drown him in puppies or kittens too because I feel like he'd cry at the cuteness but that's not furthering our plans of destruction.

What if we cover his treehouse in those ugly gnomes

[shadowglitter]

That could work really well?
Because Magnus would hate them but Alex, by dating him, has shown that she has an affinity for ugly gnomes.
So she wouldn't be mad, and therefore, we would avoid our own destruction.

Let's paint the gnomes to look like Magnus just to really get that security net in place, though.

[quickfingers]

Okay so we gotta find like two hundred gnomes and surround his house with them while he sleeps. He can awake to a hundred beady little gnome eyes watching his home. We can make them wear plaid and be blond, it works right?

[shadowglitter]

Wait

What if we sneak into his house and put them everywhere in secret places instead so he just finds them

[quickfingers]

Man, the options are a hard divide.

On one hand, the visible gnomes are immediate responses. We'll know he found them when he sighs and texts us. Or screams audibly at their intrusion.

However, the other option? Stealth. It'll stretch on, giving us satisfaction for days. Months. Years. Decades? He'll never know who did it, where they come from or when (if ever) it will stop. It's crueler. I think I like it more. But are we ready to be Those People?

[shadowglitter]

I always embrace the nuclear option, so I'm still trying to think of a way to combine both? There has to be a way.

Okay, here.
We go with Plan A. We cover his tree in gnomes.
We wait until he sighs and gets angry at us, and then we just kinda stay back while he cleans them all up.
And then we put just one or two gnomes in the tree the next day. He'll be like, ugh, what? I thought I got all of them!
And he'll clean them up again.
But then they're back again the day after, just waiting in the branches, unnervingly silent. And he'll be confused, maybe start to suspect something's wrong. He cleans up.
The day after, they're back again.
They're closer to the house, like they're climbing down from the branches to head inside.
And he's getting nervous, at this point, but we both just keep insisting neither of us have anything to do with it.
And he doesn't believe us, but he's getting nervous? He's starting to wonder if we're telling the truth.
And then - he wakes up, and it's inside. Just one. Just by his kitchen. He throws it away.
The next day: two.
The day after: three.
Four. Eight. Sixteen. More and more gnomes hidden in his home, his cupboards, under his bed, everywhere, until he's scared.
And then we stop. We stop stealthing gnomes into his house. When he's about to lose his mind, we stop. We let it lie. He thinks we've given up, even though this whole time we've refused to take responsibility for what we've done so he doesn't have any direct proof we did it. A month passes. He forgets. He forgets the terror that gripped him, the screams that choked him. He forgets how every morning he used to be too afraid to open his eyes because he didn't know if there would be a gnome in his bed just waiting to greet him.

Then we just leave one on the toilet.

[quickfingers]

Odin Motherfucking Dark.


You are a genius.