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[ non-lethal is good. odin wonders, sometimes, what his life would have been like if he hadn't had to kill so many people back home. if he'd be different at all. he has the sense not to randomly bring down the conversation by talking about that, though? he focuses on feeling touched by archie wanting him to be okay. ]

I care about you being okay, too. [ he shrugs back. ] But I've got too much money already, man. I think if I start losing sight of how much normal things cost, I'm going to do something stupid? Like buy a horse.

[ his eyes light up. he's going to buy a horse. ]

But yeah. You think you'd ever come with me if I do another TV thing?

Sell it and give the money to me then, [he says, joking. kinda. like half joking. archie's not entirely short for money himself, but... retail therapy, ya'll.] Or buy a horse? I want you to get a horse. There are horse Pokémon... did I tell you about those? Some of their manes and tails are made of fire. They burn you, unless they trust you. Like Pokémon pegasuses. Pokésis? Eh.

[he was babbling to avoid answering the second part, but he gets there eventually. archie shakes his head.]

No, sorry. I don't want to-- [be around odin's friends, because most of them are people he hurt when he was possessed.] --I got shit I can't just drop, y'know? No more vaycay days. Maxie would refuse to come as well, an' if he's still around I wouldn't want to leave him alone...

[excuses, excuses, just trying to avoid saying why, truthfully.]

[ The babbling is a good distraction tactic, because Odin's eyes light the fuck up, beaming at Archie with an immeasurable fondness. ]

Did you know that's the first time you've brought up pegasi with me? Like - we've talked about them since I told you about them - but only because I mentioned them first. It's nice that you remember that.

[ he scratches at his cheek, a little sheepish, but presses on. ]

But, um - yeah, I know about them. Rapidash, or something? The sweetest of names. And-- yeah, that makes sense, too. It would be fun, though. Spending a day with you doing stupid shit. [ he goes quiet. ] Hey - do you want me to stay over tonight? I don't know how far the whole company thing extends, but like - it's been a while since we've shared a bed or whatever.

Edited 2018-03-16 16:02 (UTC)

Is it? I think about it a lot, actually...

[he wants to pet one so bad

archie goes quiet again, chewing his lower lip, trying to push down the horrible feeling bubbling up in his chest. that he's asking too much, he just needs to keep this to himself. he just... can't. not right now.]

Y...yeah. If that's okay? I dunno if [peter] K2 will be upset or anythin', though. If that's-- you don't have to. I just...

[he sighs, deflating a little.]

Matt got... ported out 2 months ago. I think Maxie deserves one night without me being a sad sack of shit in his general vicinity.

Haha, what? Why would Kay care?

[ odin looks at archie like he's the idiot, has a visual moment of realization, and then just shrugs. dumb. idiot. peter's probably tired of all the spooning, so odin has no problem staying over, but-- archie presses on and mentions matt and odin's heartbroken, staring down at his feet for a moment. everybody's losing so much. ]

M'sorry. [ he doesn't know what else to say. he rubs at the back of his neck. ]

Pucci's gone, too. I still miss Loma. I know Peter still misses Jean... Poe's losing a lot, as I said. Sometimes it's easy to pretend like the porter might leave us alone, but then-- yeah. Something like this happens.

[everyone is losing so much, and here's archie acting like his means more? like it means anything? people lost a lot when he killed their friends, too. he briefly regrets asking owain to come over. he should be with peter.]

Yeah. Super wish one of the last times I'd seen Pucci hadn't been with his arm hanging off. [stupid, selfish.] Magnus got ported out, too. He-- I just... wish that he'd had longer with his friends to recover from that relic thing.

[he's staring at the floor, legs crossed on the sofa. sighs a little.]

I hope he comes back for them. They're all here, so...

Pucci'd probably like it if that was your last memory of him, honestly. Dude was wild.

[ owain flashes a grin, but like everything around here these days, it doesn't last. he's lucky for the first time in a very, very long time to be surrounded with so much good in his own life, but it's hard to forget just how transient it all might be. ]

The guy's half bear. He'll be back. He and I have so much wrestling to do. [ a beat, and then-- ] Do you think you'll talk to him if he shows up again?

Yeah. He bought me this couch, actually. Replaced the one we both bled all over. It was a fucked up week.

[he shakes his head, suddenly feeling nauseated at the idea of talking to magnus.]

I-- I'll ask him if he remembers. But... he could barely even look at me, so I think I'll just leave it after that. I don't know what would be worse. If he did or didn't.

[archie looks away, properly now. not just at the carpet, but away from owain. forcing himself to stop feeling Those Dang Feelings.

eventually, he looks back, expression eerily flat.]

Why wasn't it enough?

[ december was a mess, and owain can't determine if it was better or worse than what happened with the relic. he decides it's not really a competition. he takes archie's answer for what it is and gives him his space, letting him look away, and he's stunned, then, by the blank eyes that turn back so quickly. ]

... Do you mean, um. [ why wasn't all the regret and the repenting enough to stop the relic from worming its way in? he hesitates, pulling back in case he's wrong. ]

What-- what do you mean?

I died. My best friend broke my neck while he was begging me to stop, and I was forced to laugh in his face about it. He won't even look at me anymore because of it. No-one can, because of how it was me that hurt them.

[he looks away again.]

All I did was... get too close. I didn't know it existed, I didn't look it out. I got too close and lost-- why do people still act like I should've lost more? Is that selfish? To just be-- tired of that?

I didn't want to come back. Their families should've come back instead of me.

[ owain listens, his stomach twisting into knots. there's guilt, again, over the fear he still has of archie. a fear that instinctively flares up, despite his efforts to will it away, when he talks about-- laughing. owain exhales. ]

It's only been a couple of months. People are still grieving. You're the face of what happened - but that's all you are. More and more people will realize that, in time. It's not selfish to feel weighed down by people hating you for something you're not to blame for.

[ he smiles, weakly, but archie doesn't see it. ]

Um - I think I told you I tried to die back home. [ a nervous glance, like he's scared he's going to make this about him, when that isn't what he wants. ] My dad stopped me. Said that if I died to save someone, I'd lose my chance to save anyone ever again. Said I had to do good with my life. So.

Thinking you shouldn't be here doesn't really do that. There's no good in that. If you think you're-- a black hole, like you're just a negative existence, or-- or something, then you have to find things to do to try and shift that balance into something better. For me, it was the whole Owain Dark act. Change who I was entirely, become someone who had worth in being alive. Maybe for you - you should try and work on forgiving the people who treat you harder than you deserve? Maybe.

You're one of those people. I think. You could start there.

[archie exhales lightly. of course, he hadn't wanted to make owain guilty. he's not even thinking that he might -- he's really not thinking at all. every time he opens his mouth thoughts that he'd been repressing and refusing to think or talk about come out. it's almost involuntary. he looks down at his hands for a moment, seeing the burn marks from arcanine creeping out his sleeve. they're not bad and will likely be completely gone in a couple of months, but... it's a reminder.]

It's been a year, [he says, some form of emotion finally creeping into his voice. it's just... exhaustion. tired. after kyogre, he'd lived in fear of hurting people through his actions again and that's all he's been doing, it feels like.] and I've been trying since I got here. It feels like all I keep doing is hurting people. You know, that house we got trapped in wouldn't have been half as bad if I hadn't had to watch four of my friends die instead of me. I just want my presence to stop being so--

[he stops. thinks for a moment.]

Poisonous.

[damn]

[ Owain listens, and for a time, he feels like that's all he should do. Stay quiet, say "i'm sorry", keep some distance to the situation out of some underlying fear that if he doesn't he'll say the wrong thing. He visibly flinches when Archie calls him poisonous, though, and he knows-- he knows nothing he can say will help, he knows he can't fix this, but it hurts too much to not speak his mind. He loves Archie? He's careful when he lifts his arm forward, worried that Archie might bolt once there's contact like a scared animal afraid of being fed by humans, but he finds Archie's hand and cautiously holds it with his own. ]

You're always focusing on... the bad. On the things you couldn't prevent, the-- the unavoidable things that happened. You internalize all this sorrow and all this pain and you grieve, and when you grieve, you find a way to blame yourself for all the horrible shit you've gone through. You never focus on the good you've done, or the growth you've undertaken, or - or... or that-- that people need you. I need you. I wouldn't need you, if you were just-- just bad for me. Poisonous.

[ he drags his thumb over the side of Archie's hand, and he can feel his ribs ache with the weight of all of this. the knowledge that he won't be able to fix this, the knowledge that he's contributed to Archie feeling like this, in whatever small part. ]

You're not a malicious person. You're being punished enough for the mistakes you've made by carrying all that fucking guilt with you. Punishing yourself even further by painting yourself as just-- just-- a monster? That doesn't do anything.

[he doesn't really react at all when owain takes his hand--it's like holding onto a dead weight before archie belatedly actually reacts to it and holds owain's back. he makes no eye contact, just continues staring a hard hole into the floor in front of him.]

I wish I could, [he says eventually. he knows he's not entirely a drag, but it always feels like the bad he's done vastly outweighs the good. that no matter what he's always never going to be able to get past the bad and he'll never be good enough. that no matter how hard he tries there'll always be something new that he'll fail in and push the good stuff back down even further than it already is.] But right now it feels like I won't be able to move on from it. I can't change my way of thinking about myself when-- even though I wasn't behind the wheel, people still think everything that happened was me. Three people could've got the shot in the day before Magnus did, but they didn't, because it was me.

[he raises a shoulder in a helpless shrug.]

And it goes both ways. Especially for the people in Maurtia Falls whose friends and relatives didn't just get fixed by nanites. The actual cause doesn't matter to them, just who did the actual deed.

[ he's in over his head and he doesn't know how to help, and that's what spurs owain on to just do something. the moment archie starts to squeeze back odin clamps his hand as tight around his as he can, just trying to show that he's fucking here. he's not great, but he's here, and he doesn't think archie's a monster. that's one person, at least. that has to count for something, he thinks. ]

Time can fix - all of this. Time provokes understanding. People don't understand your role in this, not yet, but they will with more distance. You just have to wait it out, and waiting it out requires strength. Pushing through it. The second you break under all of this, the second you sign on to a future that doesn't include the version of you that it deserves.

[ "just who did the actual deed" - that still wasn't archie. that was never archie. that was the relic. ]

You were a victim.

No, they won't. They don't want reasons, they won't see me as anyone other than the guy that murdered their friends and relatives.

[he pulls his knees up to his chest, shaking his head.]

You say that knowing me. What happened has barely been explained to me, let alone anyone who lives in Maurtia Falls.

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th-th-th-three months late [blasts airhorns]

new phone who dis

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