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[He writes four or five versions of this text, none of them come off right, and he gives up. Sends the simplest one.

Owain will understand.]

cassian's back

doesn't remember earth

[ Ah... man. Owain understands, of course he does, but there's a brief lurch to his gut when he reads the message. He wonders if Poe's thinking something like it should've been him who remembered, not you.

He recognizes that thought for what it is, though; an insecurity based on self-loathing, rather than anything based even fractionally within reality, 'cause shit, Poe loves him, he knows that. Poe loves him and he needs him right now. Owain's more than willing to be the shoulder he cries on, if that's what this is. ]

You doing okay? Or - I guess I mean - How are you handling things?

i don't know

[It's honest, but it's also the only thing he sends for a while. There's a couple seconds where Poe is typing... flashes up on the screen, but they disappear. It's a full minute later before the next part of the message comes.]

if he's here, he's not dead

that's one blessing

but damn, i'm tired

Edited 2018-04-02 23:31 (UTC)

[ there's a second where he wonders if it's the right thing to ask or not, ... but. ]

Are you drinking?

[The first reply comes very quickly.]

no

[The second takes a little longer.]

i can't claim that i don't really, really want to

but no

[ well... good. ]

So, okay. Let's look at the good then, yeah? He's back - even if he doesn't remember you, you'll be able to build that back. He's alive, like you said. That's the most important thing.

i know

about the alive anyway

not so sure about the building back

The only thing stopping you is you. There's no reason why you won't be important to one another again if you weren't already before. Can't cut through the darkness if you don't try to be the light. Do you, like... Not want that?

the circumstances are different now

but honestly, i don't know if i do
i'm not going to stop caring about him but

not sure it's really

[He cuts off, mid sentence. He meant to delete it, but he pressed send instead. Oh well. Fuck it.]

this place nearly destroyed him, the first time

and back then i was a hell of a lot better at
fucking
not being destroyed at the same time

doing it all over again?
i'm not sure it wouldn't just make things worse for him
in the long run

less to lose

You promised me you were going to start living life better, though. Right? Part of that means pulling yourself up and being the best version of yourself you can be, with whatever power you have. So, like. Maybe instead of trying to shut yourself away to avoid hurting him, you can try extra hard to be who he needed before he left. Fight hard to be a good influence, rather than run away to avoid being a bad one. I'm sorry. That you feel like you're being destroyed. I know I haven't been here for you enough. Even before what happened. But. Swords are forged in crushing heat and hammered into shape. What might feel like destruction could just be evolution. Don't give up on something good before you've tried it.

[ ... feels like he's saying what he said when he was trying to get poe to confess to finn, so this feels a little bad, but. he's still right. ]

[He had made that promise. He had no fucking idea how to fulfill it, but he'd made it.]

not planning on shutting myself away, it's just
force, owain, if i'd known how to help him before i would have done it

but cass doesn't trust easily, for good reason
the only reason he's giving me the benefit of the doubt at all is because of kay

but if i push friendship on him too hard he's going to buck it off and go hard in the other direction

i can't force this but I've lost any way of letting it happen naturally

so i don't know how the hell to act or do anything

and it's not-
a present tense destruction
i'm trying to pick up the pieces now, is what I meant

i'm not a sword, owain, i'm a pilot
long as i can still fly i'll be fine

You're more of a sword than you know. Also, you're overthinking things. You love the guy. He loved you. If he trusted you before, he can trust you again. You're not a bad person? And if he came from your homeland, I can't imagine he's so fragile he can't handle you accidentally coming on a little too strong. You're all a bunch of badass heroes. He'll be able to survive you. Also, I think Kay would break your legs if you looked like you were about to do something wrong. I mean, like, Penultimate Rhapsody of the Shattered Knee Chorus levels of leg-breaking. He would turn your femurs into dust the second you seemed like you were about to step out of line. That's a boy that don't take shit, you know? Trust him to have your back and help you through reconnecting with Cassian. Cassian's still the same person you once knew. Try to be happy. Really, really try. Fight for it. For me. Or I'll blow myself up again? Ha ha Ha ha ha ha Hahah ah ah ah ah hah ah ha ha ha ha ha

Edited 2018-04-03 07:56 (UTC)

it's not about fragility
cassian doesn't ... trust easily
he'd survive it
but his opinion of me wouldn't
I didn't force friendship on him last time

he's not naturally inclined to have friends
I sort of snuck in the backdoor

but this time he's got access to months of network posts
first Fucking thing he saw of me was probably my last broadcast
he already knows we were friends and that my expectations are different and it's just

Ugh

I wouldn't do anything Kay would shatter my knees over
he's already still mad at me, i think

not funny.

don't joke about that.

Edited 2018-04-03 10:17 (UTC)

I just... I don't think your relationship with him begins and ends with his memory of you. He's fundamentally the same man you fell in friend-love with. You found a way to be together before, you'll find a way to be together again. I know this might sound hollow, with all the anger coming your way recently - but people feel good having you as a friend. You're the airborne knight in black! And orange. A brilliant pumpkin hue tied together with the solid inky darkness of the deepest, scariest waters, all wrapped up in a handsome and slightly conceited package. Don't sell yourself short. People are lucky to have you in their lives, regardless of whether or not you've had a hard time recently. You can bounce back from your last broadcast. You can bounce back from anything. You're gonna be good. You make people happy. Sadfrown McNo-trust is going to love you as much as he ever did. Okay? Don't stress out so much over how to talk to him - just talk to him.

And -- Sorry. I know. I won't. I'm sorry. I don't know how to talk about it still. What happened. I haven't told anyone what happened. Just... yeah. Sorry. Still navigating. Let's not talk about that right now.

he might be the same, but i'm not sure i am

i don't know

not totally sure i can believe you, bud, pretty literally have been assured that my friendship costs more than it's worth
maxwell actually cursed at me
"void take you". i'm pretty sure it means the same thing in his world as it would in mine.

and that's not a death you wish on someone lightly

deserved? but still not an idle curse

i'm going to do my best to make it up to everyone but that doesn't mean everyone will want it

i didn't tell peter

i'm not going to force a conversation about it, owain, just don't fucking joke about it again

[ owain's quiet, leaving the conversation about what happened in the past for a little while longer. they'll... get to that. he wants to say he was affected by what happened more than anyone else, so if he thinks poe's friendship doesn't cost more than it's worth, that should say something? but. sounds like he'd just be guilting poe, so he leaves it. ]

Maxwell would've just been upset... it was hard, watching what happened. That's all. Worst case scenario - even if you've burned a few bridges here - you haven't burned any with Cassian. Okay, okay. Listen. Forget everything that's happened for the past few months for a second. Forget all the extenuating circumstances and just... answer this. Do you want to be close to Cassian again?

[Poe rubs his face with a sigh. Forget extenuating circumstances, huh?]

does earth count as extenuating circumstances?

i don't know

maybe

i think so

Then, like.

[ a pause. ]

You've just lost a lot. Finn, Leia. People from home. Connections you've made. You nearly lost me, man. I died in your arms. You've finally got something back. Someone. Maybe not how you know them, but they're... them. He's him. You know? I just know you deserve happiness. I wish you could see that, the way I see that. I don't want you to shut yourself off just because you aren't happy with who you are right now. You both deserve to be in each other's lives. To have someone you can rely on. Don't shatter this before you've got a chance to make it whole.

i'm not going to shatter anything

i just

no
you're right

just not sure how many times i can do this, you know?

if the same things happen
if it goes the same way

how many times can i watch him destroy himself
or watch earth destroy him

That's why I'm saying, like - try to be the person he needs. Try to be there for him? You're not destined to fuck this up. You're not destined to blow everything up. You're not as harmful of an influence as you think you are. Similarly, he's not destined to be destroyed. Fate is far more chaotic than that. Just go into this trying to be the best version of yourself you can be for him. Things don't have to be permanent to count, you know? Even if he's only here for a while again, you could make him happy. That has to be worth something, if he's already seen so much sorrow.

yeah

you're right

just really hate the porter sometimes, you know?

glad you're back, though

thanks, owain

A matter such as this is a mere trifle for the great and noble hero, Owain Dark. Let me know how things go with him, yeah?

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flightforfreedom - 2018-04-13 16:28 (UTC) - Expand

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