shadowglitter | ic contact

What? No, fuck that! Hiding away from scary stuff has always led to your downfall!
Avoiding confrontation despite running headlong into your problems is Poe Dameron's version of the emperor convincing himself he's wearing his finest silks when his dick is totally, super out!
We should be talking about this in person so you know, without a doubt, that I'm not judging you.

Where are you? Nonah, still?

[ HE DOESN'T READ THE REST OF THE MESSAGE AFTER POE EXPLAINS HIS NEW POWER, TOO FOCUSED ON GETTING UNNECESSARILY CONFRONTATIONAL AND MAKING HIMSELF INTO A TERRIBLE PROBLEM ]

no because i'm not at home because i already hurt one person i care about really deeply and i am not doing that again so i'm not even going to tell you where i am until i figure out how not to destroy all my relationships with this stupid thing

and what does this even have to do with my dick? i wasn't even sleeping with him! i was being good!

No, it's...
There's this guy with this ridiculous amount of pride who ends up humiliating himself because-- you know what? Complicated fable. Sounds meaner than I intended it to be, now that I've started spinning it.
Let's lock this up in a chest for later. A mahogany chest. A mahogany chest adorned with the rarest jewels. Jewels which emphatically and conclusively spell out Contents Can Only Be Opened Later When Serious Talks About Relationship Problems Have Been Dutifully Stowed Away clearly over the top.

[ He sighs and scrolls back, rereading what Poe said and finishing the original message. I'm kinda seeing someone makes him feel a little weary, because wow, this really is just retreading old ground that he should have known better than to get into again, but. Bodhi seems more mature than Owain ever was, so he's probably handling it far better. That's, uh. A. Positive.

Poe's pretty emphatic about not seeing him, but that just makes Owain dig his heels in further. ]

Please let me see you.

[ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. ]

this is a really really bad idea, i want that on the record

i'm in de chima

but not here

i'll meet you somewhere else

Whatever, dude. You dumped me, like, three times, I got myself publicly humiliated on national TV and made a huge career out of it and you jerked me off when we were, like, 30,000FT in the air. Can't exactly get any more vulnerable around each other than we already have been.

[ HE SAYS, NAIVELY, LIKE A NAIVE AND STUPID BABY. ]

Plus, I mean - rebellion buddies, right? I still have the pin. You still have my mom's staff, hopefully. It's okay if you don't, but.
If you do - those mean something? A few embarrassing conversations isn't enough to break the Rebels. Or the Shepherds of Ylisse.
You and I are both.

I'm in Maurtia Falls. I don't really leave the city at all, these days. Not many of my friends are left outside of it.
I'll send you directions to somewhere I like to go, okay? Meet me there.

[ he'll stop responding for a while, after this, but he'll send poe directions to a motel he likes, which may be a bad... place... to go, but he doesn't really connect it to any dirty connotations. he just goes there to hang out with the sign because he thinks the bunnies are rad, and he'll be on the roof when poe arrives, his back behind the sign so he won't get seen and subsequently yelled at by the owner for climbing the walls all the time. ]

yeah i still have it [ Even if he'd been half wondering if he should give them to Peter, but he always thought better of it. Or maybe worse of it. He didn't address the first part because haha Owain was so, so wrong, but he didn't want to fight further about it. He'd asked him to come and Poe couldn't say no. ]

i'll be there

[ Luckily he didn't have any strong connotations about motels, either. He and Archie had stayed in one recently and he and 622 had as well and it hadn't been a sexual thing either time. So this was fine? Totally fine.

It took him a trip through the Porter and then a flight over but eventually his carpet could be seen on the horizon, getting closer far too fast until it pulled to a stop just over the sign and he spotted Owain in the shadows. Made sense. He hopped down and started rolling up the carpet. ]

I still think this is a bad idea. [ He looked tired, and he looked sad, but it wasn't the same dark cloud that had hung over him for months. He was stressed and upset but not despairing. It made a difference. ]

But hey.

[ It takes a while for Poe to show up, but Owain's not in any real hurry. He's just fucking around in his journal when Tate arrives, scrawling names for a project he's working on for a new friend he'd made and looking a little more tired than he usually does. But - peaceful? Pleased to see Poe, regardless of circumstance. ]

Hey. I think this is a great idea.

[ And he doesn't even need someone's crazy truth-telling powers to admit it. He closes his book and shuffles a few inches along, patting the ground next to him. Sit, doofus. There's another smile, and again - Poe doesn't need his powers to see the raw, genuine truth that Owain's just happy to see him. Despite it all. ]

So, um. I don't really know where to start... but maybe we should start by talking about what happened with Bodhi a little more clearly?

[ Poe sighed, and sat down, like always finding it difficult to try to deny Owain anything. ]

I was trying to tell him about - well I was trying to tell him that I was sort of seeing someone, though I thought I'd told him before but he wasn't totally getting it. But he- well he's got a new power, to. He can touch a person and see memories. Things like that.

My weak explanations just didn't match up to actually seeing it, I guess. I don't know totally what he saw, he didn't clarify, but whatever it was, it broke his heart on the fucking spot. Then my power kicked in and he just-

[ But that's where Poe lost his ability to describe it, and he just trailed off. ]

[ Ah. Well - boy. He hopes Bodhi didn't witness Poe having too big of a romantic moment with whoever it is he's seeing now, because that would have fucked Owain up pretty hard, back in the day. Selfishly, he imagines what it would be like if he saw Peter having some big, emotional moment with Jean back before he and Owain were a thing, and he immediately feels like garbage and wants to die. Thankfully, Poe's power hasn't decided to fuck everything up yet, so he keeps quiet.

Hasn't fucked everything up yet.

Not just yet.

Soon, maybe. ]

That's... rough. Maybe I should talk to him.

[ Start a club for people Poe Dameron damaged by being kind of a dick. No offense. Owain leans back on his hands and looks up at the sky, taking a breath and letting himself think through what he wants to say. He has a penchant for rambling at the best of times, let alone with this cool new difficulty spike added to the Game of Normal, Regular Human Conversations that they both have to navigate around together, so. Gotta do his best to even the playing field by using his brains, for once. ]

Who... are you seeing?

I don't know if that would make it better or worse. Pretty sure he'd rather no one knew anything, I just... [ He shrank slightly. ] can't keep it all in, it drives me nuts.

[ There's a pause at the question as he sort of frowns and looks out at the horizon. Does he want to have this conversation with Owain, really?

... Doesn't really matter. Because yeah he probably should. ]

622.

Which - comes with a hell of a lot more complications but... [ He swallowed and shrugged helplessly. ] I don't know. It's good for me, I think. At least I've felt a lot better. Even with the mess. Not that I really know if we're really anything beyond "seeing each other", but.

[ A pause, and then quieter, something he really doesn't mean to say but comes out anyway: ]

I hope so.

[ Owain hits Poe with a sympathetic smile, nudging his shoulder with his own. It's good, that he's found a light in the darkness, like Peter is to him. Someone to finally pull him out of the misery he's been in since... well, all year, really. He deserves it, and Owain's been waiting for what feels like forever to see Poe in high spirits again. Fuck, he really does wish the best for him. ]

Kinda didn't think you'd ever date again after me and Finn.

[ Which-- he didn't mean to say. Wait. He swallows, feeling his cheeks turn red. ]

Maybe that's just me being bitter, though. I've always thought the only reason you didn't date me was because Finn was your soulmate and nobody could compare to him. Not just me. I thought... if you didn't have Finn, you just wouldn't have anyone. Because he was - you know. Finn. The best man you ever knew. Like how if I lost Peter, I'd just... give up. So... maybe I'm just bitter that this is proof it really was just... me. That I wasn't ever supposed to be somebody to you.

[ Wait. ]

I hope that's not what I'm feeling, though? I think I've been pretty good about not being bitter. Battling back the negativity with a sword that screams everything happens for a reason and an axe that shrieks time makes fools of us all and a staff that, in the light of the blood moon, conjures a Level XVIII Destruction Spell of Shadowflare Nightscape Murderstorm that battles back all the horrible thoughts I have about how things should have and could have gone back when there was an untold story wanting to be written.

[ He runs his fingers through his hair. So this is how Poe's power works. Weirdly - he still doesn't think meeting up was a bad idea. ]

Or something. Shadowflare isn't very good. Shadowbolt, maybe. [ Hoo, boy. He laughs, and it's sweet like a bell. ] But - yeah. I guess that's not the case. You're dating someone new. Not pining over Finn. You're breaking new hearts. Filling new ones with your warmth. Not saying what you used to say about how there's no point in settling down, given that this world takes everyone away. Which is... amazing. Really great. That's all I've wanted to hear from you since he left.

[ He exhales, slowly. ]

Talking a lot. I'm happy for you. Worried, obviously - especially about Bodhi. I wish you would just... [ Ugh, he shakes his head. I wish you would stop hurting people isn't what he means, exactly. ]

I'm happy for you. And... talking a lot.

[ Owain is talking a lot, but Poe just sits quietly through it. He could tell by the flush that it wasn't something Odin would have said on his own, but--

Huh. He feels pretty okay with it. Like he might be able to clear something up, maybe. Finally. A year later. ]

I wasn't planning on it. Dating again. Really wasn't something I wanted or thought was worthwhile.

I don't think I have a soulmate. You? Yeah, I think you do. I think that's just how you love people, with everything you have, with absolutely every atom and dedication and-- [ He paused, but it wasn't his power that made him continue. He just thought he should. ] Man, I was bitter as hell about it. To have all that attention on you and then to lose it to someone else? It hurt like hell and I deserved it. But.

I don't know. In a weird way I think it worked out best. I think you're a lot happier than you ever would have been with me. And I'm honestly glad about that. Not even bitter, anymore.

But me- I don't love the same way you do. I don't think. It's like- it spreads out and touches everything. You were someone to me. You are. I just don't know how to pull myself down to a single point like that, a single person. I'm trying, though. I tried with Finn because he asked me to. Nothing or All In. So, All In.

But I was never great at it. And then I lost him anyway.

So yeah, I was - it was hard to see what the point was. Getting my feelings everywhere and hurting everyone when all I wanted to do was care about them. Better to just... Not.

[ He paused, frowning at his feet. ]

But then I just sort of fell into it again. And all my arguments about it felt really, really dumb, suddenly.

He's dead, back home. So if I care about him and he cares about me, who the hell am I do deny him something that he literally never got in his lifetime? And I thought - okay, not going to mess it up like last time. Nobody else, not if I'm doing this, or until he tells me otherwise.

[ There was a longer pause, but a pregnant one, trying to find the words. ]

I thought I'd confirmed Bodhi didn't see me that way. But I was wrong. And he's dead back home, too.

I don't know any way to do this that doesn't hurt somebody.

Edited 2018-12-03 17:55 (UTC)

[ It only took a year for them to sit down and talk without one of them losing their shit over something small. Who knew. There's a nervous flicker in Owain's chest when Poe starts talking, but honestly - none of this is new information. He knows Poe loves the way he does, and he knows there were... a few rough seas to traverse, after he and Peter ended up together, but.

It's weird, hearing it all put out there. Hearing Poe say he was bitter. Not feeling like either of them are on egg shells around each other. It's nice? Feels like old times. It's the way Poe says I think you have a soulmate that hooks him in. ]

I mean... that's Peter. I'd do anything - give up everything - just to hold his hand for a while. It feels different with him, than it ever did with you. Every day is just...

[ Perfect. Even now, nine or ten months into their relationship, Peter is perfect, and he always will be. Owain doesn't say as much, but even just saying Peter's name gets him misty and giddy, a shine in his eyes that he hurriedly wipes away with a stupid little laugh that he tries to stifle but can't. He loved Poe, but it was never perfect, even at its best. Poe is a hurricane, and that's difficult for anyone to contain, let alone some hopeful, romantic kid desperate to experience love for the first time. An orphan enraptured by the storm who thought he was special enough to survive it.

It's a dead horse, but neither of them ever actually needed each other. ]

Ah, man. Sorry.

[ Talking a lot again. He rubs his eyes on the heels of his palms again and lets out a breath he's been holding since last December, taken in in the yard outside of Poe's place in Nonah, where he told him he and Finn were concrete and Owain begged him to let him be a part of it. He... doesn't want to give Poe bad advice - especially not advice that would hurt Bodhi or 622 - but it's hitting him for the first time that Poe's more of a victim in all this than he's ever really given him credit for. ]

Okay, big guy. Time for some tough questions. Whipping out the big guns. These big guns. [ He sits up a little straighter, rolling his shoulders and drawing up his sleeves. He flexes his biceps, kissing each one for luck. The big guns. ]

Does 622 want you to go all in, like Finn and I did? Does Bodhi, for that matter?

[ Poe turned his head to give Owain and amused look. ]

Yeah, I know he is. Hell, I pegged it way before any of you did but you guys were in denial city at the time so I didn't press it. But I'm honestly glad. [ He paused, wet his lips, and then reached into his breast pocket to draw out the remains of Lissa's staff. ]

Look. I'll keep these, as long as you ask me to, and I'll always, always have your back, but -

I think they are probably his.

[ Owain's first instinct is to say hey, don't and push the fragments of Lissa's staff back, but his voice doesn't quite come out. It's - true, that Lissa's staff might better belong to Peter, but... it's... difficult. He looks at Poe, treating this gesture with the weight it deserves. ]

It's... it's true that I gave you that as a... a romantic gesture. I was desperate, and you were important to me, and I wanted more than anything to protect you the way mom and dad always did for me. I wanted to show you I can be heroic? Noble. Capable of giving you the most important thing I had. Something I needed. But it was selfish. I thought if I showed you how much I loved you, how much I was willing to give you, you would... [ Ugh. ] I thought I'd be able to win you. Like you were a prize I could snatch away from Finn if I just...

[ Found a gesture big enough to do it. He looks at Poe, then the staff. He takes the pieces of wood back, slowly, and carefully rolls them in his fingers. ]

You gave me the Rebel pin because the Rebellion is a part of you, and it represents what you fight for. The staff represents my family - it represents the Shepherds. I want you to be a part of the Shepherds, but maybe giving you this was the wrong way to do it. Maybe I should make you something new. Something better. Something specifically designed and created for you. Your own pin. I could make one for Lucina, too. And myself. A way to carry them with us here, away from Ylisse. A show of support for people long gone from me.

[ If... Poe would like that. He looks at Poe, cautiously hoping he'd still want to be a part of Owain's life in such a way. He looks away before he can figure out if he would or not, staring at his feet. ]

I don't regret giving this to you, though. Honestly, the only regret I have about our relationship is that I wasn't a switch before Peter and I started fucking, so I never got to feel you top me. Unless Peter lets me bring you in for a threesome, I probably never will, which sucks, because I want it.

[ He sighs, dragging his thumb over the wood, then immediately realizing what he just said in front of the broken remains of his dead mother's weapon. Shit, wait. ]

Wow, this is a bad power.

[ He had turned his head, offering Owain a warm smile, and he had been about to say "Yeah, I'd like that", when Owain continued.

He couldn't help it - he burst into a laugh, deep and relieved and genuine. When he got himself back together to reply, he just grinned. ]

Think that one is going to have to stay in the realm of fantasy fodder. You say threesome but it would be me eating chips while you two melted into goo at each other. So I'll pass, thanks. But you definitely are missing out.

[ It was teasing, and fond, and so very close to how he used to sound on nights where he climbed through Owain's window.

He leaned back, looking up at the sky for a moment, a knot that had been tangled in him for over a year finally releasing. Still a hell of a lot, but - one less. ]

As for All In... I don't know. 622 has never - where he comes from, how he was raised - they were never supposed to have anything like that. He doesn't totally get it. So it's not like seeing someone who already has a set idea of what a relationship is supposed to be, who already has their own dreams about it that they are trying to fill out. He... He's figuring it out. I'm trying not to influence it too much. If he ends up deciding we aren't anything - well, then we aren't anything, and I'll deal with that. But I think it's gotta be his choice. It would be way too easy for me to make that choice for him, you know? So I'm - I'm trying not to push it.

[ Did it suck? Yeah, a bit. But it was part of 622's conditioning and Poe wasn't risking losing him by pushing him too fast. ]

As for Bodhi... [ The smile faded into something far more worried. ] I don't know. But he was pretty damn upset with what he saw.

[ Haha.. ha.. haaaaaa. Okay, alright, Owain laughs, too. Ugh, he's not even wrong. ]

You'd do all your sexy hair-flips and cocky smirks and we'd ignore you in favor of getting into a fist fight over the difference between a square and a rectangle. Something stupid like that.

[ He's all smiles, when he talks about Peter. Bright and illuminating, like the sun, any trace of embarrassment gone. They're not here to talk about his relationship with Peter - Poe specifically wanted to avoid it, not that Owain knows that - but he turns into schoolboy with a crush whenever he thinks about him. He curls his knees up to his chest and rests his chin against them, hiding his face a little. ]

Then he'd smile or he'd laugh or he'd say my name and my body would feel like it was being struck by lightning. [ Ugh, fuck, he wipes his eyes again. ] He's everything to me, man.

[ Gettin' gross over here. Owain takes a few minutes to just be blissfully happy, thinking about that asshole he's so in love with, then leans back into the wall again and lets himself watch the clouds drift by overhead. He calms down, and he listens, and he feels his stomach ache. He doesn't know a lot about 622, other than what Poe's told him before, but he sure as fuck sounds a lot like Finn, in certain regards. Earlier, he might have been suspicious - asked Poe if this guy was just supposed to be a replacement - but, well. He knows Poe doesn't think like that. ]

You kind of have a type, huh. Innocent boys with good hearts. The soft and the loyal.

[ aaaaa paaause. Owain scratches his fingers through his hair. He had other serious, pressing questions to ask, but... how does he even start, after all of this. ]

Would you... [ Fuck, okay, this is a difficult question to navigate. He shifts, folding his legs, facing Poe. ]

Would you be with Bodhi, if he and 622 were both alright with it? Or... do you not feel that way about him? Or - is it not even something you're thinking about, because you want to try being all in again, assuming 622 wants to be something at all?

[ He didn't really want to hear it, but it - it's weird. It doesn't hurt like it used to. He feels more amused than he feels bitter. There is a bitterness there but it's a bittersweetness, and it's almost more related to Odin's age than anything else.

He'd seen enough of war back home and never really got to have his youth. He deserved it, here. And he deserved love. And he was getting both.

So it was... good. Weird. But good. ]

It's a type, sure. [ He falls silent for a minute. Bodhi had asked him if he was projecting Finn onto 622, and he still didn't know that he wasn't, but - he was pretty sure he wasn't.

He was pretty sure this was something else. Or it was by now, anyway. He doesn't turn inward when Odin does, still looking up at the sky full of stars that he still barely recognised. ]

I am really, really trying hard not to think about that. [ Carefully. ] They deserve more than that. Right?

I think...

[ It's a loaded question, and - again - he doesn't want to give Poe bad advice, but advice is all he knows. He tilts his head, looking at Poe almost critically. ]

You know, it's probably too late to bring this up... but I'm pretty sure you could have avoided all of your problems if you said "hey, I don't want to limit myself to one romantic partner, and if you can't deal with that, maybe we shouldn't be together" the second someone starts showing interest in you. Kind of a... "if you love me, then you've gotta love me for who I am" deal.

You should be able to have a relationship that makes you feel fulfilled. Settling down doesn't work - it didn't for Finn, and it wouldn't have for me, and maybe it won't for 622, either. You're just going to make yourself miserable and whoever you're with is gonna get all insecure, 'cause they'll inevitably feel like they're not enough for you. But.

[ Sssslow shrug. ]

That's just... incompatibility. You should be with people who love just as much as you do. You should be with people who understand the way you feel, because they feel the same way. It's not an issue of deserving, it's an issue of compatibility.

Can't keep trying to change who you are, man. Transmutation is a mythical art.

Never had really been an opportunity to make conditions like that. If I even could in the first place. I just...

[ He trailed off a second, frowning. Eventually, slowly, he continued: ]

My parents managed it. Yours did. My dad never even looked at another person after my mom died. That's what everyone wants, right? That kind of love? I mean- I think in the majority of cases with imports that's impossible - present company excluded - but I've always had the feeling that was what everyone wanted.

Seems pretty selfish to try demanding more than that. Especially when they - especially when its not like they have more time, back home. Why not give them what they want, as long as they can have it?

And besides, even if both of them were interested hypothetically - they are - it's more complicated than that.

[ Lissa was royalty who knew she had to get married one day and until he joined the Shepherds, Lon'qu treated himself like a living object who only existed to be owned and used by whoever bought him. Poe's parents seemed to have a pretty rare love, and Owain's a fucking weirdo. It's a bad comparison to make on every level, so. He just shrugs with one shoulder. ]

It's just what you're used to. You don't want that. Hell, I've met other people here who dated more than one person at a time. You just... haven't had that compatibility. You keep falling in love with people who need loyalty.

[ Poe calls it complicated and he doesn't pry, but. He doesn't see how that matters, really. Owain slumps down against the wall until he's basically horizontal. ]

I think it's kind of unfair to start a relationship by "giving the other person what they want". Even if you like this guy - and even if he likes you back - love isn't supposed to hold its hand with pity. Sacrificing what you want and who you are to make someone happy isn't noble. It's stupid. And kind of cruel. [ A pause. ] And cowardly. Which I say with all the love in the world, but. Being afraid of hurting people is half the reason why you keep hurting them.

[ Poe turns his head to give Owain a bit of a look. Mildly: ]

You could have stopped at "stupid".

[ He turned his attention back to the skyline, frowning. ]

It's not- it's not a fear. It's a duty. It's not about not wanting to hurt them, it's - I owe them as much happiness as I can manage to muster. It's the only way I've really figured out how to make sense of this place.

Rather than sit here and wait for a war that I can't touch except by the grace of the Porter, I can... [ He looked faintly embarrassed. ] ... Reward heroes.

[ listen, the dragon of truth and brutal honestly doesn't just speak from owain's heart, it roars with an unshakeable passionate intensity. poe gives him a look and owain just kind of smiles apologetically. ]

I love you? Don't be mad.

[ But then Poe starts talking like a stupid idiot again, and Owain sighs. He's not frustrated, exactly, but he's close to it, and he's not as good at hiding that feeling as he'd like to be. "Dating an unsatisfied and martyred version of me is a reward", says Poe Dameron without any trace of irony or self-awareness. ]

Bodhi and this 622 guy are more than just heroic people with tragic lives back home. You can't just think of them as heroes. [ he knows all about forgetting heroes are more than just heroes. he has been there. he's been there with poe, even. ]

You're not going to be able to reward anyone by doing this. This isn't a reward. This is turning a potential relationship into a bandaid, or a distraction. You're taking something that should be fulfilling and wonderful on its own right and turning it into a prize and a gesture.

[ Poe didn't say anything for a minute, frowning to himself. Was that what he was doing? ]

I don't think I... I don't think that's what I meant. I'm -- no, I don't think that's right.

[ But he was finding it difficult to explain otherwise. ] I'm not- it's not a sacrifice. I want to. I want to be there. But I can't just- its not like I fall for everyone, Odin, and having to give him up just because I don't work how I'm supposed to sounds like way more of a stupid sacrifice. I can at least try to be the man I need to be.

[ He sighed. ]

I'm not making any sense.

But there's no... "supposed to" with this? You're the only person who thinks you need to be someone else. You're not thinking this through, you've just... reacted to all the heartache you've seen and been through with your gut. You've entrenched yourself in this idea that you need to fix yourself because you've been thinking like that for so long.

[ which he can relate to! he can relate to that really well! that's what owain was like during the entire war. owain sighs, reaching his hand out to lightly punch poe on the thigh. ]

Listen...

[ how can he explain how stupid poe's being. he hesitates, then asks another rough question. help him out here, truth-power. ]

Would you have been with both me and Finn, if he'd let you?

ic contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)