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I don't really know much about how you and Jean first, like. Happened. Or what the Barney thing means. Loma turned into a purple dinosaur and vored my head once, though. In space.

[ he misses her. ]

oh, okay. well.

when i got here i didn't really know jean all that well? we came from the same world and all, but I'd just kinda met her & saved the world together and started living in this x-mansion thing. anywy, fast friends here tho. getting used to this world was easier with her around and like, it wasn't even that she was a telepath but just... she got what it felt to feel the way I did about a lot of stuff. social stuff, mutant stuff, whatever stuff.

so a couple months pass and we like, are just close? hanging out. and stuff. and I - I don't know, I'm kinda obtuse, maybe? But we, at the time, were kinda having trouble coping with my dad and Charles getting together and how this place rips people away at... at any moment, y'know? we kinda thought it was stupid to date here. ironic, i know. trust me. i know.

but then i was talking to magnus and how he and alex got together and how sleeping in the same bed or whatever could be misconstrued as more than just friends? and i like. to that date, was literally sleeping with jean all the time. next to her. we - just, you know. friends. it helped with her nightmares and i was used to it from home, i have little sisters. no biggie

but like magnus made me realize that maybe
like
there was something there? so i used barney as a hypothetical name so he wouldn't know im sleeping next to my pseudo-sister and maybe getting feelings for her. but it took a while after that, after halloween, to get the nerve to kiss her and make it official. we were close for a while leading up to that, which is why i think it

think it hurt a lot more when she left, or whatever. but like in retrospect, i was an idiot?? we did af ucking couples costume before we were a couple???? huge flashing signs of peter you are SLOW to pick up on stuff

shit that was a lot

tl;dr, sry

[ it's resigning, if nothing else. a cold splash of water that reminds him even if, by some miracle, everything manages to work out and he falls in love with a contestant and everything's great and neat and nice and wrapped up and perfect, it's-- transient. the very idea of Import My Heart being so popular amongst natives who don't have to deal with the dread of their lives being snatched away by the porter is a bit of a joke. he wonders why Peter decided to be a host, given the nature of the show and his experiences with love here.

it's hard, as ever, to feel like America is the only time he has before his death. so many people feel like their lives here aren't real. ]

Uh - dude?

[ but.

but he and peter sleep together all the time, which helps odin's insomnia. they wore complementary costumes to poe's party - they even dressed alike to fauxhalla's grand opening. he knows, at least, what his own feelings are; physical and subtle and easily pushed out of his mind now that they're on a busy island rather than isolated in peter's apartment. they're there, in any case, and his heart does this weird twinge when he thinks, hey, maybe this can happen twice.

he needs to say something, it's been quiet for too long. ]

I'm sorry. That. I'm making you be here. Amongst. All of this. Romance.

dude, wouldn't be here if i didn't wanna

plus i get all the free food i can eat. it's a decent gig for me. I just wish we could chill more? Maybe we'll still get to. it's just space all over again with people watching and making #PEDINMAXDARK resurge on bwitter. they like her more than paulina, btw

[ that's an easy segue here. a way out, a way to make this conversation all jokes and casual but-- ]

Was that the only time?

[ wait, clarify. ]

Was that the only time you've had feelings like that? For someone. The Jean stuff. That Magnus helped you with. I mean. I mean, wait. Have you ever experienced a similar kind of-- waking realization? That your feelings have been there and then-- you were. Late. To them. Or. ???

Edited 2018-02-10 08:21 (UTC)

dunno?

what d'you mean

Like. I don't know.

[ headache. ]

I don't really know why I asked that. Sorry. I guess I just wanted to know if you've ever been out of touch with your feelings with, like, other girls? Even if it was just-- because you were messing around with them, or-- or if it was just, like. A Jean thing. Because she was special. Does that make sense?

[ that doesn't make sense. he asks debra to get him a capri sun. ]

Nevermind. Sorry. Words are hard. They're putting lipstick on me that's the same exact colour of my lips. Why can't it be, like, blood red?

[Weird chest feeling, hm. A little like when he had that panic attack but much, much milder.]

other chicks i kinda knew had no future, so i didn't really... even try. coffee girl for instance, she was - is ? cute but like, it ain't like we're gonna date for serious or anything. bela was a fling and idk...

need i remind you i make very little friends, nevermind female friends

you think i might have a thing for someone?

i mean, i did make out with leia but i can't remember most of that and i don't think i could EVER face her again irl.

also fight them for blood red. do it.

You still talk to coffee girl?

[ focusing on the wrong thing. ]

It doesn't really matter? What I think?

[ there's a mild burst of nerves in his chest that aren't really aimed at anything but make it difficult to type. ]

I asked because I wanted to know if it had happened. Any other time. Not. Because I have, some. Like. Insight.

i talked to her before my bday, haven't since. i think my coffee doused days are on a decline.

if i did, would you care? im confused and hungry but i threw out my lunch and now im regretting it

Oh, okay.

[ a bit too long before he realizes he should say sorry. can't fit it in now and still sound natural. ]

I'd care, yeah. Dumb question. Dumb and stupid question from a dumb and stupid guy. Want me to ask one of the crew to get you something?

Edited 2018-02-10 08:53 (UTC)

nah i dont want debra getting mad at me again, ill survive

if i feel the urge to spill feelings, you'll be the first to know, k champ? you owe me the same in return, k? less as host, more as bro. i wanna know if you start falling in love or w/e, k?

I'm firing Debra. Out of a cannon. Into the sun. But. Yeah, okay.

[ he hesitates. a few things he could say here. ]

I think. I think when it happens, it'll be a surprise? Like. Like, all at once, it'll be like-- oh, so it's you. I don't know how else it'd work for me otherwise. So I might not-- be able to tell you when I start falling in love, but I could tell you when it actually, like, happens? Completely. Someone'll kiss me and it'll hit me like a truck and I'll just be, like, super gone.

Edited 2018-02-10 09:02 (UTC)

gotcha.

did u know there's a whole fucking cabinet here of oreos? im in fucking heaven. i think i can live off of these til debs leaves me alone. i need to do some weird promo gestures - theyre probably gonna ask you for them too. where you like, sweep your hand really dramatically??? did they do that with you already?

but yeah. keep me updated. on things. im a shitty host i need the inside scoop

[ he reacts a little too physically, as he always does, at the mention of oreos. swallows and goes a little red. he pushes debra and the makeup team away from him and starts pacing around the room, which 100% gets reported via radio chatter through an exasperated debra. who then complains about wiping all his makeup off and how she's tired of these import jobs and how she didn't get into producing to work makeup. ]

That's cool. I should go?

[That gives Peter pause. Frowning, confused pause.]

do you have to?

[ brief hesitation. ]

No.

[ he's gotta figure out how to spin this - saying he should leave only to take it back because peter asked him to. gotta make it casual. blame it on debra, maybe.

maybe.

or. ]

If it were up to me, we'd never stop talking? Day in and day out. Constant call, like, all the time. You'd be in my ear and even if we were far away doing different things we could just zone out and hear each other's day, and like-- give each other updates. Like, ah, shit! I totally stepped in mud just now!, and then I'd laugh and call you stupid and we'd go back to being quiet for a while, doing our own thing. Is that nice or weird? I can't really tell. Half the time.

[Peter looks down at his hands and lets out a huffing breath, cheek puffed out almost comically because wow? Wow. What is this. What is this? His skin feels hot and he wants to crawl out of his shirt, curl up in bed and drown under the sheets or in the shower because he feels like there's something burning up in him all of a sudden. And the smoke is threatening to choke him from the inside out.

This isn't good. No, no, no, no, no.]

kinda sounds like what we do
only with no filter on either of us taking a leak
that part's kinda weird, maybe like
realistically there's some periods of muting going on
otherwise
id be behind that

[ odin laughs, quiet and happy, cutting through the nervous energy of his pacing. debra's walkie talkie picks it up, and it goes straight to peter's ear. ]

Okay. So. Do you want to try that? For a day? Not while we're on the show, because, like, the cameras would be able to eavesdrop if we were on voice. But-- Like, when we're back home? 'Cause, like, I've actually been thinking about this for a while? Every now and then I'll think of something funny and I'll want to tell you about it but then I forget to because I get distracted by something dumb. Or, like, I'll remember, and I'll send it to you, but then we only talk for like an hour and I sit there once we're done all, like, "fuck, I miss him, we didn't talk enough but I don't know what to say anymore to keep this going naturally". But then. But then, like, we'll talk for hours. Sometimes. And it still, like. It sort of always feels like I never talk to you enough? Even when I'm sleeping over. But.

[ hesitation, again. ]

Yeah. I don't know what I'm saying? All this mental text-y stuff is bad for filtering or whatever.

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