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I kinda don't think it will? At this point. I've always been really high maintenance. Even as a friend. I always thought it would be impossible for me to find, like, more than that. And now I've had, like, months of reminders that I'm not, like. Anything? Enough. For someone. Empirically. The dude literally was all like, yeah, I'm in love with you, but I'm choosing someone else, so. Like. Fundamentally. There's something wrong. With me.

[ g o d why does it always come back to this ]

It's just hard to feel like anybody would see me the way that you do. There are four people in existence I could maybe have a future with, if the cards fell the right way. Wait, five. Two are back home. One is Poe, and, y'know. One's you. The heterosexual. And one's Foggy, and that's just because he's great and buys me drinks and yells when I make rooms made of knives. We'd be a sitcom. Imagine it.

Edited 2018-02-10 06:34 (UTC)

[Peter's still got a smile on his face from the stolen glances thing, because he's been feeling that way himself - and despite all his encouraging of Odin that everything here's gonna be great, he kind of wishes they weren't here at all. That instead they could just be chilling in his apartment on a rainy day, letting Rootbeer chase oreos around and watch Netflix or something.

He has a response half typed up when he reads the rest of what Odin's saying and takes a much longer than intended pause. The seed of something lodged in his chest expands and there's a suffocating moment of confusion and panic, his mouth dry because of how he read that. What it means? What it implies.

What it makes Peter consider, in a flashing second. What he doesn't want to confront right now, because it's too difficult and scary and daunting and you know what? Fuck that? He just carries on through:]

haha, you and i'd be a disaster don't u think?

[Shit? That wasn't. A good. Reply.]

but there's nothing wrong with you, ok? I know that's hard to believe and honestly, if the tables were turned here I'd probably be saying the same? But you'd be doing what I'm doing right now, reassuring you that you're something. To me, and to other people.

who are the 2 back home? also like, cisco seems nice - you go on a date with him here yet?

No.

[ he's not really paying attention to his replies. to this conversation as a whole, actually, starting a moment or two ago. he's just sending thoughts out through the network, half-distracted now that his assistants are busying themselves with his tie and fussing over his next appearance. he groans, loudly and internally, which the network feed picks up as hrnrnruuuauauahghghghh, a message almost sent to his entire friends list. whoops. backspace backspace.

he scrubs at his eyes and holds his tattoo while he reads peter's response with the care it deserves. ]

I mean, not really? But I get why you'd think that. Haha. Thanks, though. For having my back. I think the stress of all of this is just getting to me. I keep being scared that this is all, like-- some trick that everyone's in on except for you and me and my family, and that it's all gonna end in a big rejection again. Double down on the Odin Dark's Shitty Public Love Life meme or whatever. Ugh. Inigo's one of them - I told you about him, yeah? A little, at least. The other-- I was thinking of Severa, but she probably wouldn't be up for it. I could have fallen in love with Brady... but he hasn't seen me for six years, so. Yeah. Cisco's really fucking sweet. I haven't hit him up yet, but he made me a mix tape? It was really reassuring and-- just-- nice. I love mix tapes. And he's got THICK THIGHS, MY DUDE. THICK, THICK THIGHS.

[And like that, it's brushed aside and Peter feels a bit of relief. He read into that too much? Yeah, that's - probably it. It still feels weird, like he just ripped a scab off before it healed, so the skin is tender and stinging but he can ignore it.]

mixed tapes are my territory but ok, he's allowed. smart move to woe you, 10/10. was it a good tape?

and trust me on this odin: i will take down the entire production crew single handedly if any one of them tries to set you up for on air failure. I don't give 2 shits if that's what sold most of BB3K. I will fucking destroy them for u. there will be naught but slaughter in my wake if they try

Yeah! It was nice. He did like a cool technology thing so I could just listen to it right on my phone? It was wild. He's wild.

[ he's getting his makeup done, which he hates, because he's never allowed to just go full gothic like he wants to. peter gets a few ptbtbtptbtptbtptbts sent to him while the radio says something about how Odin keeps squirming and won't let us do his makeup and would someone please tell Debra how to get him to sit still. ]

anyway-- yeah. Thank you. I'll help. Throw them in the volcano, or something. Which is real, by the way. You, um. Got a girlfriend or anything? By the way? I haven't really, like. I mean I guess I would know. But I didn't know about Jean? You told Magnus first. Before me. And. I had to. Drag out her name. And. All that.

[The radio chatter's - not so annoying anymore, Peter actually likes it now.]

sounds sweet. share ur tunes with me later, k

and... yeah, not much going on for me in that department. after jean i kinda swore off relationships and shit and i still don't know where I stand, but I think I'm kinda less bitter and hateful about it all now. i made out with like, everyone - yourself included - at christmas and that was messy. the last person i messed around with was bela but like, just kinda for kicks.

(ur hearing this all first over mags. he only knew about jean bc... he helped me realize i was in love w/ her - whole long story, i ever tell you about? how stupid i am at realizing i have feelings for people?)

I should be utilizing your show to get laid but I'm actually finding this to be way more work than I thought it'd be. they put perfumey shit on me earlier? like dude - we're on TV ffs

[ he's said it before, that he thinks it's a mistake for peter to give up. he won't comment on that, not when he's feeling better on his own, but it warms his heart a bit to know he's giving life more of a chance on this.

though it also kind of sucks, because he called jean his best friend once and odin still thinks about that and gets kinda weird. gonna be bad when another girl shows up. ]

I totally boned Bela after space. Like a day after we got back.

[ leaves that there. laughs at the perfumey part, which pisses debra off, who fusses over him again. ]

You never told me about that. You okay to talk about it?

shit wait what are we eski-

she probably wouldn't

ignore that. moving on.

appreciate this

which part do you mean, the messing around with bela or the saga of barney thing with magnus bc i still cringe at myself irl for the latter

I don't really know much about how you and Jean first, like. Happened. Or what the Barney thing means. Loma turned into a purple dinosaur and vored my head once, though. In space.

[ he misses her. ]

oh, okay. well.

when i got here i didn't really know jean all that well? we came from the same world and all, but I'd just kinda met her & saved the world together and started living in this x-mansion thing. anywy, fast friends here tho. getting used to this world was easier with her around and like, it wasn't even that she was a telepath but just... she got what it felt to feel the way I did about a lot of stuff. social stuff, mutant stuff, whatever stuff.

so a couple months pass and we like, are just close? hanging out. and stuff. and I - I don't know, I'm kinda obtuse, maybe? But we, at the time, were kinda having trouble coping with my dad and Charles getting together and how this place rips people away at... at any moment, y'know? we kinda thought it was stupid to date here. ironic, i know. trust me. i know.

but then i was talking to magnus and how he and alex got together and how sleeping in the same bed or whatever could be misconstrued as more than just friends? and i like. to that date, was literally sleeping with jean all the time. next to her. we - just, you know. friends. it helped with her nightmares and i was used to it from home, i have little sisters. no biggie

but like magnus made me realize that maybe
like
there was something there? so i used barney as a hypothetical name so he wouldn't know im sleeping next to my pseudo-sister and maybe getting feelings for her. but it took a while after that, after halloween, to get the nerve to kiss her and make it official. we were close for a while leading up to that, which is why i think it

think it hurt a lot more when she left, or whatever. but like in retrospect, i was an idiot?? we did af ucking couples costume before we were a couple???? huge flashing signs of peter you are SLOW to pick up on stuff

shit that was a lot

tl;dr, sry

[ it's resigning, if nothing else. a cold splash of water that reminds him even if, by some miracle, everything manages to work out and he falls in love with a contestant and everything's great and neat and nice and wrapped up and perfect, it's-- transient. the very idea of Import My Heart being so popular amongst natives who don't have to deal with the dread of their lives being snatched away by the porter is a bit of a joke. he wonders why Peter decided to be a host, given the nature of the show and his experiences with love here.

it's hard, as ever, to feel like America is the only time he has before his death. so many people feel like their lives here aren't real. ]

Uh - dude?

[ but.

but he and peter sleep together all the time, which helps odin's insomnia. they wore complementary costumes to poe's party - they even dressed alike to fauxhalla's grand opening. he knows, at least, what his own feelings are; physical and subtle and easily pushed out of his mind now that they're on a busy island rather than isolated in peter's apartment. they're there, in any case, and his heart does this weird twinge when he thinks, hey, maybe this can happen twice.

he needs to say something, it's been quiet for too long. ]

I'm sorry. That. I'm making you be here. Amongst. All of this. Romance.

dude, wouldn't be here if i didn't wanna

plus i get all the free food i can eat. it's a decent gig for me. I just wish we could chill more? Maybe we'll still get to. it's just space all over again with people watching and making #PEDINMAXDARK resurge on bwitter. they like her more than paulina, btw

[ that's an easy segue here. a way out, a way to make this conversation all jokes and casual but-- ]

Was that the only time?

[ wait, clarify. ]

Was that the only time you've had feelings like that? For someone. The Jean stuff. That Magnus helped you with. I mean. I mean, wait. Have you ever experienced a similar kind of-- waking realization? That your feelings have been there and then-- you were. Late. To them. Or. ???

Edited 2018-02-10 08:21 (UTC)

dunno?

what d'you mean

Like. I don't know.

[ headache. ]

I don't really know why I asked that. Sorry. I guess I just wanted to know if you've ever been out of touch with your feelings with, like, other girls? Even if it was just-- because you were messing around with them, or-- or if it was just, like. A Jean thing. Because she was special. Does that make sense?

[ that doesn't make sense. he asks debra to get him a capri sun. ]

Nevermind. Sorry. Words are hard. They're putting lipstick on me that's the same exact colour of my lips. Why can't it be, like, blood red?

[Weird chest feeling, hm. A little like when he had that panic attack but much, much milder.]

other chicks i kinda knew had no future, so i didn't really... even try. coffee girl for instance, she was - is ? cute but like, it ain't like we're gonna date for serious or anything. bela was a fling and idk...

need i remind you i make very little friends, nevermind female friends

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