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Peter Maximoff. You have come to the right man. Through a keen selection process and with rigorous, rigorous research, I will make the dick of his soul shrivel and die, so struck with grief as it is by the horrible things I'll share with him that he'll never be able to un-know. So it begins.

God, I knew you were a good friend Odin
I love you man? I do. No homo, maybe a little homo, sadly i've got a girlfriend homo

All I need is a little homo to get me through the day. Just knowing there's a glimmer of homo in your well is enough to quench my thirst. Does this count as the favor I said you could cash in on? Can we talk about your girlfriend now?

no, i'm saving that favor - i promise it won't be as bad as i could've been tho

you can ask (1) one question and only one

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I have so many questions though... like how you got together, or what this means, or-- all sorts of things. I guess if I can only ask one, um. Are you happy? 'Cause at the end of the day that's all I really care about.

Maybe I'll talk more in space. Probably not because it'd be on live television but at some point maybe

and well
yeah

I am. In a weird it doesn't feel real I really don't wanna fuck it up kinda way.

We probably shouldn't do it in space. Especially because I need you to get involved in a love triangle plot with me for ratings, so... You know. Gotta keep that relationship hush hush if you wanna be in the run for some biiiig money. I can understand that. I think you'll be okay, though. You're bright and funny and anyone would be lucky to know you, let alone lucky enough to call you theirs. Get your BOYFRIEND ON, SON.

triangle with you and poe?

& Thanks, man. I don't care if you talk about it to Magnus btw or w/e to get it out of your system but like, it's low key right now. My dad doesn't know, etc. We're just testing out how it's going and I'd just rather not see it on the network before I get the chance to bring it up myself, y'dig?

give me a false name if you feel yourself wanting to talk about me otherwise, k?

Nnnno. I don't want Poe involved in it. There are others. We'll figure it out. Dude, I won't talk about it at all. You asked me not to so I won't. I'm stupid but that's just because I need, like, firm direction sometimes. And you're giving it to me. Your secret's safe.

I gotta check in with J but if she's cool with it, I may be in. But I get to throw drinks at you at least twice

also you're cool man. thanks.

Okay! Let me know what she says and then also ask her when she wants to be introduced to me which I imagine is very soon probably. Given that I'm your family and all. Not that it's any big deal. It's no big deal. Just would've thought you'd respect your family enough to include them a little more is all. Early days or no. Just would've thought it.

> backs up to the part where my actual dad doesn't know
> pauses

i'm sorry ma-ma, i promise to introduce you to her eventually

I mean I think I was pretty clear when I said I thought you would've respected your family more. Really you're just backing up my point. That you don't respect us. But hey, what do I know. All I did was let you suck on my breast for two years. Siphoning my energy like the little vampire you are. I sold my fucking Toyota Camry for you to go to space camp but it's cool. You don't need to introduce me to your girlfriend. Oh. Oh, I feel dizzy.

this is getting too real
how do you tap into this shit
i'm tripping over adolescent guilt like this is the minefield mine own birth mother laid out for me

christ i'll do the chores all week just - just stop the stinkeye. please. mom. please.

It's because I'm a genius and everybody loves me. Can we talk more about J-chan yet even though you just said no? 'Cause I'm dying inside knowing there's a part of you that's away from me. I won't do anything weird with the information or whatever, I just want to be a part of your life. The favor's still on the table and it can be as bad as you want if you give me this advance payment.